Long Distance Relationships

I never used to think long distance relationships work. I would go from one relationship to another, trying my best to make it work, through the ups and downs, and then I move away...(it's usually me who moves). I think to myself, that's it, it's the end. Somehow, the guy usually says, who knows, it might work. Well, I would think to myself, maybe..but I seriously doubt it. The reason I have a boyfriend is to have a companion by my side, when I have my ups and downs. Not putting my sweat into making it work. Bearing in mind, I was very young when I started dating, I had my whole life and career ahead of me. How could I take relationships seriously?

[in the case of some people who might read this blog, who happens to be my ex-boyfriend, do forgive me, I do hope you understand, and I did truly love you then]

One of the major factors of me not believing in long distance relationships (or serious relationships in general) is my father. He used to say to me, "long distance never work, in the whole of my lifetime, I have never seen a long distance relationship work, except for one, your uncle and auntie..." . See, my uncle and auntie dated a long time and then they got married and had 3 children. Now their children are all grown up and they're having the time of their lives travelling nowadays. There was a phase in their lives when the auntie had to continue her studies overseas..but hey, they survived it! Not to mention the inter-racial marriage! This, I guess is a one-off thing.

Back to me constantly moving away from my then boyfriends. I would usually give some period of time for the relationship to work, with a very small percentage of hope and faith that it might work, even though my head says it is pointless. It would usually last a few months, and my record is over one year. And then, the time came for me to move on. You may be wondering what causes me to move on. If I had to go back and see what it was, I would probably say, at the time, I didn't want anyone to hold me back to all my life potentials. Not necessarily romantically, but more towards being successful in building my career and life in general. I used to say to one of my boyfriends (of course I broke his heart saying so), "I see this relationship as a benefit, not a necessity," and somehow, that statement was true for a very long time.

Now that I am engaged, to a man that I am having yet another long distance relationship with (the irony), I feel fine. Going back to the days of our courtship, I remember saying this to him, "I'm going back to my university after this, then comes graduation and first job. What happens next? I don't know. But how can you be so sure we can still be together after all those life changes?" He answered, " Who knows, it might work...(manalah tau...)". That remark made me thinking. Who knows? But regardlessly, being skeptical as I am, I still put the idea aside. There was too much ahead of me to be settling for this idea.

So what was it that made it work? Was it his determination or mine? Was it the fact that we went through so much that it made us grow fond of each other? Or was it the fact that, I opened my heart to the possibility of having him by myside for all eternity, and not worry about my so-called life potentials?

Whatever it was, somehow I believe it was fate (takdir & jodoh). It was meant to be, that whatever happened between us the past few years, it just made our bond stronger, regardless of being far away from each other. I always told my single friends, you'll know they're the one when everything falls into place too easily, and it feels like they're the one. Believe it or not, it exists, even the outside factor may not be as ideal as you would imagine.

So do long distance relationships work? They will, if both of you know, that you love each other that much. And both want it to work. Of course it will take alot of courage, determination, and most importantly, trust. Trust that you and your partner, would never in this world, do anything purposely to hurt each other, no matter what it looks like. So if you do not have any of the essence above, then, just stay away from long distance relationships, as you will break more hearts than you can handle, even your own.

Saya Anak Malaysia JUGA!!

Not an entry by me, but I'd like to keep this article as I love it and I'm sure alot of us can relate to this:

The Star Online

Monday August 31, 2009
Hello, stranger!
By PHILIP GOLINGAI

Peninsular Malaysians could do their part by learning more about their ‘cousins’ in Sabah.

OH, you’re not an Indian. I always thought you were an Indian,” an avid reader of The Star said when I was first introduced to him in a cafe in Bangsar a few years ago.

“Huh?” I said, almost choking on my cafe latte. “How did you come to that conclusion?”
Philip Golingai and Vera on their wedding day in Penampang in 2007. Inset: Their daughter Apsara. – Photo by ANNA RINA

“Golingai does not sound like a Malay or Chinese name therefore you must be an Indian,” explained the 30-something man from peninsular Malaysia.

In his challenged mind, there were only three races in Malaysia. And consequently he failed to consider the “dan lain lain” (others) in his racial profiling of my surname.

If he did, he might have thought outside the box (or in the Malaysian context - outside the coconut shell) and come to the realisation that a Golingai might be a Bajau, Bidayuh, Iban, Kadazandusun, Rungus or Sandakanite.

I made up the last race. There’s no Sandakanite race. Nevertheless, there are Malaysians who think Sandakanite is an indigenous ethnic group from Sabah.

And since we are on the topic of race, let me share a conversation I have from time to time with orang semenanjung (people from Peninsular Malaysia).

Uncle: “Where are you from?”

Me: “Sabah.”

Uncle: “You must be an Iban.”

Me: “No, I’m a Kadazandusun.”

Uncle: “Oh, Pairin punya orang (Datuk Joseph Pairin Kitingan’s people).”

Me: “Yes.”

(FYI: Malaysian Ibans are predominantly found in Sarawak, Sabah’s neighbour.) Yes, there are orang semenanjung who are katak dalam tempurung (a frog inside a coconut shell) when it comes to basic knowledge about their fellow compatriots living in the island of Borneo.

Recently, sabahforum.com, an online forum to discuss issues related to Sabah, enquired: “What are the funny questions asked about Sabah?” Its readers’ responses are typical questions a Sabahan encounters in Peninsular Malaysia.

“Do you visit Malaysia often?”, “Is the ringgit used in Sabah?”, “Did you come to Malaysia by train?” and - the all time classic - “Do you live in trees?”

But to be fair, not all orang semenanjung are ignoramus. There are some who have intimate knowledge of all things Sabah. For example, my Penangite colleague knows where to find the best char kway teow in Kota Kinabalu and why a non-Sabahan politician keeps going to Sabah.

One of the biggest misconceptions Malaysians have of Sabah is when the state joined Malaysia. I must confess that I too was ignorant of how Malaysia was formed. Either I slept through my secondary school history class or the history books overemphasised Merdeka (August 31, 1957, the day Malaya gained its independence).

My introduction to Malaysia 101 was during the height of Parti Bersatu Sabah’s “Sabah for Sabahans” campaign in the 1980s. Pairin’s PBS harped on the 20-point agreement (including safeguards on matters of immigration, religion, language and education) signed when North Borneo (as Sabah was known then), Sarawak, Singapore and Malaya formed Malaysia on Sept 16, 1963.

The sore point for many Sabahans is August 31, 1957 and not Sept 16, 1963 is emphasised during National Day celebrations. In that birthday snub, they feel that Sabah’s contribution to the formation of Malaysia has been neglected.

And to answer a question which has become a mini-debate in sabahforum.com, Malaysia is 46-years-old and not 52.

I’m four years younger than Malaysia. And I’ve lived about half of my life in the Klang Valley. I like to joke with Sabahans back home that I’m working and living in the capital of Malaysia to reap the benefits of being a Malaysian.

Currently, I’m working and living in Bangkok. And the favourite question Thais would ask me especially when they see Apsara, my 10-month-old baby who resembles a Manga doll, is: “Are you Japanese?” When I answer, “Malaysian”, the typical reply from Bangkokians is “Malay?”

If I have the patience, I will explain that Malaysia consists mainly of Malay, Chinese and Indians. And if I have the time, I will explain about Malaysia’s “dan lain lain”.

“The Kadazandusuns and Iban of Borneo are like the hilltribes,” I explained, referring to the indigenous communities such as Akha, Lahu or Karen living along Thailand’s northern borders.

And through my conversation with them I realised that Bangkokians too have their racial stereotypes. They look down on the hilltribe communities as they think they are not Thai but people from Thailand’s northern neighbours.

And some of them think that the hilltribe communities live in trees.

Sometimes we learn to appreciate the peace in Malaysia from the outside. And I’ve done that during my assignments to cover religious and ethnic conflict in Malaysia’s immediate neighbours - Protestants vs Muslims in Poso, Sulawesi in Indonesia, Catholics vs Muslims in Cotabato, Mindanao in Philippines and Muslims vs Buddhists in southern Thailand.

When I hear the gripping stories from the victims of religious and ethnic violence, it makes me think what would happen if Sabah was not part of Malaysia.

Of course, we can still work on creating better understanding and real knowledge among Malaysians on both sides of the big pond so that we can bridge our differences and become truly 1Malaysia. But still, I can honestly say with love and pride: Three cheers to Malaysia. And, as we say it in Sabah - Aramai ti! (let’s be merry!).

Philip Golingai is The Star’s Thailand correspondent and the editor of Asia News Network, an alliance of 21 Asian newspapers.

****************************************************************************

Well, now comes my part of the story. Some of the most stupid questions or remarks asked were; What currency is used in Sabah? Or When did you move to Malaysia? (Sabah is still Malaysia -.-")

Ever since I moved to Peninsular Malaysia, I have never stopped getting these remarks. They just ring at the back of my head, but over the years I have learnt to keep myself from giving a sarcastic remark (because I don't believe in embarrassing people).

In the first few days of my university during induction, people often stared at me and started speaking English to me and ask where do you come from, Vietnam? And when I reply, no, I'm from Sabah, they always say, oh, no wonder... I received this quite a few times and started to get curious myself. Why do people always say no wonder? I decided to ask a friend, and she said that, it's because I look different. I'm not chinese, nor am I Malay, hence what Philip was saying in the article, why didn't they think of the 'other Malaysians'? Why does it always have to be, you're either Malay, Chinese, Indian or you're international. What if you have a Portugese heritage? Or Iban, Kadazan, Dusun...or what Philip referred to as Sandakanite, one of them is Sungai, which most people think is probably just a joke. It's a real ethnic, and I'm IT! Seriously, my birth certificate says so.

Having a Borneo background, I have always had the opportunity to learn about new cultures, traditions and ethnicity. Not one wedding is the same to the next wedding I attend to in Sabah. I will always be amazed with new things I discover from one wedding to the next. It's a fusion of traditions united together and personally, I feel that people who refuse to see, learn and believe that the world is a wide place have a lot to loose. Especially those that are rigid to think, things should only be, or are only as they are.

I remember in my primary school days. My ethnic background is Sungai and since I lived in Kota Kinabalu, people were not very well aware of this ethnicity. The kids used to laugh at me everytime the teacher points it out. But when I go back to Sandakan, Sungai is a very common ethnicity. It shows how large Sabah is. Mind you, I still do get the jokes on that to this day, everytime I say my ethnicity is Sungai. They would usually say, Are you sure it's not laut? (Sungai=River, Laut=Sea).

When I went to college in Labuan, I learnt some major new things. Sarawak! Little did I know, growing up in Sabah, that Sarawak is as rich in culture and ethnics as it is in Sabah! There is bahasa melayu Sarawak, which I learnt to speak almost fluently over the years. And I'm pretty sure my Sarawakian counterparts also learnt about Sabahans! I remember some of us talking saying that either Sabah or Sarawak malay language sounds abit like Malayan (term used for Peninsular Malaysia). In fact, we were trying to speak a common language to be understood by each other, which is what we know from the TV, melayu semenanjung.

Speaking of calling Peninsular Malaysia, Malaya, this is the argument. On 31st of August 1957, MALAYA became independent, not MALAYSIA. Malaysia was formed in 1963, which in turn makes Sabahans feel that it's pointless to celebrate 31st August. To make it worse, 16th September is not even commemorated! We Sabahans have grown a slight dislike towards the West of Malaysia because of this imbalance, when in fact if we wanted to compare the cross-sectional area of the land and possibly the population, us East Malaysians consist of probably half of what Malaysia is. Nevertheless, I can see that it is slowly improving. The government TV channels have already started to have documentaries on East Malaysia, and we are also being recognised now in Parliament and the entertainment world. All there is left to do is for us, especially our friends in West Malaysia, to become less ignorant, and more aware on our existence and contribution for our country, as what we call as Malaysia.

Not MALAYA, not BORNEO, but MALAYSIA.......