My Baby Arrival Wishlist

Would it be wrong to have a baby wishlist? I saw this post once from an acquaintance. She put a wedding wishlist, or rather the opposite of the wishlist. Things she does not need as a wedding gift. See in the US, weddings gifts are more organised where they get to register at a store and register what gifts they would like and guests can get gifts that they registered. I was saying to dear hubby, why couldn't we do the same? He says, coz it'll be too rude, considering our culture here in the east. It's the same as when my family moved to the UK, we had to get used to the culture of opening the present in front of the person who gave the present to see their expression. But here in Malaysia, we give the gift, and they open at their own time to save from 'embarrassment'. I guess that's what hubby meant when he said it'll be too rude.


Well moving along, I'll just take the risk of writing up a wishlist anyhow. My sister said this to me, what are the things you 'want' but don't need? Coz the things you need you'll eventually get, but the things you want but don't need, it'll be a great gift.

Here goes, some of the things we still don't have:

1) Sterilizer and warmer combo set by Little Bean

2) Travel playpen mattress and pillows set (or latex mattress & pillow - it is a wishlist haha)

3) Cloth diapers (lots and lots of nice boyish designs)

4) Stroller - Quinny Zapp Extra or Halford Zuzz 4

5) Car seat - a bigger car seat that can be used for years

6) Baby monitor

7) Diaper/changing bag that hubby can carry

8) Baby sling

9) Any toys for newborn onwards

10) What to expect - the first year book ( I already bought a baby journal thing)


Well, I can't think of anymore *wishlist* items. People have asked, what we don't already have so the above list stands for now, as we don't plan to buy it anytime soon (maybe after baby is one month old?).


Can't wait :)

Labour Fears

I google about alot of things. Not just facts and information. Sometimes when I am going through something I google on how to cope with certain things so I can find forums and articles on how to manage such experiences. Here's the thing. I am facing tremendous fear and phobias on going into labour and giving birth. I tried to google it but the articles I found didn't seem to help. Its telling me everything I already know by reading my pregnancy book over and over again. Plus I subscribe to an online pregnancy club thingy which gives me great articles on everything there is to know about pregnancy and having a baby. I can say I am pretty well informed. I am also surrounded by recent mothers as well as very experienced mothers. All will tell me, it's normal to fear it but the fear will go away once labour starts and you'll just want it over and done with. Here's the thing with me.

Number one. I have (had) a fear of doctors, clinics, hospitals, needles, tubes, blood, and anything that can pierce through my skin. Hence my choice of career which has nothing to do with biology. I had an episode of prolapsed disc but thank God no needles or piercing through my skin was necessary. Only the giant MRI machine which involved me going through a giant hole and it is very loud. THANK GOD they only had to scan my lower back, thus my head came out the other end, phew! Over the years I have avoided going to clinics and getting the needle, as I really, really hate doctors and needles. Then I became pregnant. Seeing the doctor every month and then it became more frequent towards the end. OK. That was not so bad. I had company every time, BUT! I had to pee in a cup, got needles, blood checked etc. Ultrasound was not so bad. I guess this soothed my fear of anything medicine. Now comes the time where I will be having a BABY out of my below OMG! Some people asked me why I did not opt for a c-sect considering I have placenta previa (partial). Depsite the doc recommending I have quite a high chance of success with normal birth, I am really afraid to go under the knife. I mean, c'mon, the lights, the aprons, gloves, knife to cut me open. The PREP! Needles again, tubes, EVERYWHERE. Its like being in one of the SAW movie (only comparing to the fear I have). OK, do you get it now, I am a coward when it comes to this. So now, with all the pains, I don't want to be injected on my spine to relieve my pain! But what if the pain is too much? And then the thought of episotomy (I can't spell it)?

Number two. My body is going to change. Of course it has changed, but I don't know whether its going to back to its normal size. I can;t imagine how it will be. My skin? My flabs. Hahah. I guess it's every girl's nightmare.

Number three. My life is about to change. So many things have happened to me in my lifetime. Not to over dramatise. My father will say, your life was not that bad. Well he was not separated, first from his father, then his mother later on in life, and being forced to accept strangers into their family and have to put up with the bickering of both parents. Plus, being the eldest meant I have had to set good example to my siblings, so they won't be bitter with everything. Enough of that bitterness in the past, I am now happy. Well, I don't know if I consider myself being unhappy in the past. I don't think I was unhappy, but I was just angry alot during my childhood and teenage years. On being happy, my life was pretty exciting and I had to make some interesting choices in life. Now this choice, was pretty common (having a baby). It happens worldwide and throughout the history of mankind. It's the most common thing, but It's stupid how this is the one that managed to scare me. What sort of parent will I be? I can't do the normal things I used to do now. What if don't get accepted for the job transfer? What if I do? What nursery/daycare will I choose? What if I become a bad mother? What if my baby falls sick? You know, Back when I was 15, my mum decided to send me back to Malaysia, while she stayed in the UK. She was going to put me up with my uncle and his family. She was not in good terms with my father and I hadn't seen him in years. I didn't remember what kind of person he was. And I was 15 – rebellious and angry. Of course my father fought to get me. After much disagreement and 'non'-discussions, my mother finally asked me, where do you want to be? And I answered, I want to be with my own father. And that was that. I was bold and brave and faced my decision. It made me into the person I am today and of course, now everyone is in great terms J. If I were to recall, when it was time to choose my unis, I chose the ones outside of Sabah (without my parent's knowledge) as I wanted to be away and independent. I got into a uni in Sarawak. I remember being alone, and I had a single room with no roommates. I survived, but then after a month, I took another leap and was accepted into UTP in Perak. And I knew absolutely NO ONE there. I survived. For my internship, I took one that required me to rent a house, get a bus every morning and go overseas, as opposed to getting one where I could live at home and have transport. I survived. AND met my husband J. Then, I took up a job in Terengganu. I felt brave then on my first night there. I didn't cry or anything. On each and every single one of these events, I did not shed any tears on the first day. And THIS. The most common thing in the whole wide world, giving birth, I am scared sh*t that I have nightmares. Somehow, I know I will have the strength but I am still scared.

Does this entry make me feel better? I guess a little. For now. I think it'll be so much better once my mother arrives tomorrow night.

My PUG!

OK this is gonna be a lame entry. I have received my car quite a while ago, but just wanted to share it with the world! Although, since I am on a long break from work, I don't drive it alot these days. The first day that I received it, it was thinking, I can't believe, I finally have a Peugeot in my driveway! It's in my wishlist. I've always wanted a Peugeot, just didn't know which one. Somehow, some people question my decision with this car, but heck I don't really care, I love it nevertheless J. Now, just waiting for my parents to come and of course the baby's going home trip. Well here's a preview.

Roller coaster adrenaline rush

I wish whatever goes through my head in the middle of the night (or throughout the night) could be recorded and saved in the form of a blog. These days, I have great ideas to blog but I never get around to actually sitting down and typing it. I have read in articles and books that the final weeks of the pregnancy will be the longest of the whole pregnancy. Somehow I only half believed what was written, as before I reached 36 weeks, my days were going alot faster in comparison with the when I first started bedrest. How wrong I was and how true the articles were. When my doctor's appointment for 36 weeks came, I was excited to hear from the doctor, my baby will have reached full term and will no longer grow. She mentioned the baby was estimated to weigh 3kgs. Sounds ok, abit on the big side, but as long as the baby does not grow any bigger, it should be able to go through (my) canal pretty well (I hope). Then the day after the doctor's appointment came. It felt like the clock ticks ever so slowly, in combination with the increasingly boring TV programs, ever so swollen feet, 20 trips to the bathroom per day (day AND night), insomnia during the night and unable to get up during the day, and then, the bottom of my tummy started to feel the pressure of the baby descending. When the baby descends, it means I will feel like I'm carrying a football down there. Not quite all the way yet, but because it has started (menstrual cramp like cramps around my back and tummy), it has become increasingly difficult for me to get comfortable. It is not comfortable to walk, sit, lie down, stand up, you name it. Maybe I should just jump into a pool and float. But then I'd be wet and be needing to pee. People say you'd be missing to see your feet, but in fact, I can see my feet fine...but I can't reach to touch them. And there is one area I definitely can't see beyond the bulging tummy, need I say what?

Needless to say, even the weekly doctor's appointments couldn't come fast enough. See I am overwhelmed with the feelings of anxiety waiting for my beloved baby's arrival, but the at the same time, I am also nervous (more like freaking out) at the thought of labour and recovering from it. Awhile ago, I thought, every mother goes through it, why couldn't I? As the day comes closer, either it seeming faster or slower, I can feel my heart beating sometimes, telling my how terrified I actually am at the thought of having a baby burst out of me and possibly being ripped and sewn back together, and the thought or post partum, of having to look after the baby and at the same time being in so much pain I couldn't even walk (and be bleeding at the same time). I have had funny thoughts in my mind in the middle of the night, in the event of a fright, a human reaction will be to fight or flight. I thought, oops, too late to go for the second option, flight, as the baby is inside me and baby needs to come out. I also had thoughts of, ok maybe giving birth is not for me, let me watch other people go through it, and maybe I'll never have to go through it? Oh dear, again, too late, baby is coming, whether you like it or not. Oh please don't judge me, I am a mere mortal, and I am freaking out! I'm sure when the time comes I will be fine (will I?). My mother says, its only at first you feel scared, but when the time actually comes, you'll only want it over and done with.

I remember waking up my husband one night just to tell him that I was freaking out. I described the feeling to him as, being strapped in a very scary and high roller-coaster, at that split moment just before the drop, and you changing your mind about going on the ride, but hey, you're already strapped in and it's just waiting to drop. I guess that's my lesson, the only thing I have to do is figure out how to vent out that fear so the feeling of fear be vent out without you passing out. Usually, when I feel that fear on a roller coaster (I am scared of height to top everything off), I will always feel I'd cry and pass out or something. As if my lungs would burst and my heart will come out of my mouth. But I always managed to vent it out and start to enjoy myself my just screaming on top of my lungs! Of course once the ride was over, I would think..never again..

How lame. I wish I didn't feel this way but I do.