Becoming a Mother

It's been a month of sleepless nights and healing. Or otherwise known as confinement. The ever growing concern over my child has caused me to loose sleep..voluntarily. He has been a very well behaved newborn the past weeks. Only making requesting for attention when he's hungry or wet.

*[please be warned, entry contains gory & icky details about giving birth]

The water leaking

It was another one of those insomniac experience for an almost due pregnant lady. As usual, I did not remember how or when I eventually fell asleep. I woke up in the morning with pain , that I so recognise over the years in my life. It was period pain. I knew a contraction feels like period pain. I got up and walked over to where my husband was sleeping. I told him, I felt pain. He didn't quite get up from that info. So I told him, I wanted to get up, shower and have breakfast, if I am going into labour today. I'm going to need the energy, and I couldn't bear the thought of not having time to shower or brush my teeth. So that I did. I ate my normal peanut butter and jelly sandwich, with a glass of water. Very light food. I double checked my already packed labour bags and zipped them up ready to be brought to the hospital. I woke my husband up and told him, the pain hasn't come back, but he should just get ready for work in case of false alarm. I waited and waited. No more pain. My husband was ready to go to work, but I told him, he had to wait another half hour in case I go into labour. So we sat in front of the sofa watching tv when I felt a small gush of fluid come out from the bottom, uncontrollably. Gosh, what was that? Had I peed myself? I went to the toilet. Nothing else came out. Then I changed, and sat back on the sofa. All of the sudden, another bigger gush of fluid came the same way in did before. I rushed to the toilet, thinking, this can't be good. I checked, and I had a bloody show on my panty liner. I knew it was time to go to the hospital but I hesitated. Somehow, I was not ready to give birth then. My mum was coming that night. I was looking forward to resting that day too. My husband called his mother just to double confirm my symptoms. Yup, I was leaking and in need to go to the hospital.

The Doctor's diagnosis

We went in to see the doctor first. After checking my opening, I had zero dilation but my water broke. So my doctor, Dr N gave me two options. Emergency caesarean section or induced labour. We went for emergency c-sect, as we could not predict what would happen due to my placenta previa if we were to induce labour. My water was running out fast. I was sent over to labour room and told to change. The nurse told me to take off everything underneath and change into the hospital gown. Owh, not the normal one, the surgery one, which was green. I told the nurse, urm, couldn't I keep my underwear on? I was leaking. She says, it was fine as she would put a cover on the bed. So I was told to climb on the 'labour' bed. It was quite high, given that I had a huge tummy to hold and I was leaking! I told the nurse, I couldn't get on the bed, and she said, to do it slowly. I was remembering in our prenatal classes, how they mentioned, the bottom of the bed came off when labour comes and the baby is about to come out. As I lay on the labour bed, I looked around to all the details of the labour room. The corner where the rubber gloves and supplies are, the place where the baby would be placed.. I was really trying to figure out where the bottom part of the bed would come off and where the leg hanger thing would be placed. I couldn't figure it out.

The Labour Room wait

My husband went downstairs to settle the paperwork for my checking into the hospital. After I changed, the nurse propped me up with the machine (gosh, at this point of time, I can't remember what any of these equipments were called-I memorized them before birth!). The machine that monitors my contractions and child's heartbeat. After half hour, the nurse came back and checked on the monitor. Apparently I had to be on it longer as the baby was so active that the heartbeat monitoring was not consistent. As the nurse was about to take off the monitor, she went to check on something. When she came back, she said, the doctor wanted the monitor to be on all the time, so she left it on. The monitor had some long paper on which the stats would be printed on. I asked the nurse, how's the data? She mentioned, to her it was fine, but sometimes some doctors are fussy about the data, that it had to be perfect. Well, what do I know. She asked me, whether I could feel some contractions. True, I could feel some period pain like cramps, but I didn't realise those were contractions! I was stuttering, and I asked the nurse, err I can feel cramps, are those contractions? Hahah..it was funny. My husband was back by then. I could see how panicky he looks, but he tries to stay calm. I was starting to feel my contraction pains getting worse and worse as the hours went by. By the time they wheeled me into the operation theatre observation area, the pain was more intense that I had to hold the bed to withstand the pain. But nothing above my monthly period pains! I don't know, maybe it should feel worse.

Before the surgery

Here's the thing. Remember how I had something to eat so that I would have some energy to 'push'? Well, apparently I was not going to be doing any pushing that day. It was funny how because I ate, I was not able to give birth that morning, at say immediately, as soon as I saw the doctor (around 10.30am). Instead, I had to be wheeled in at 3.30pm, as that was exactly 6 hours after I ate (I ate around 9.30am). If I wasn't in pain and wet, I would've laughed then. I did laugh a little in my head and thought, owh great, that peanut butter sandwich did me harm instead of good..My intentions were good though! Somehow, the doctors changed my time to an earlier time, at 2pm. When I was in the observation room, I saw the anasthesian. He was asking me which anaesthesia I would prefer for the surgery. He explained to me, there were two options, General Anaesthetic, or Spinal. Spinal is similar to epidural, whereas GA puts me to sleep. We had issues with both, thus I think the doc is telling me to make my own decision (but I was somewhat in pain?). The issue with spinal was the fact that I have a history of prolapsed disc. Of course the doctor asked some things that I really didn't know the answer of. It was some medical stuff about my back, and I just gave him a blank face. How I wish I brought my MRI scans then. And the thing with GA is, I ate in the morning and if I were to go in to the operation theatre at 2pm, the doc said, the time was too borderline, as it was not even 6 hours after my meal. So... in the end I just went ahead and 'OK'ed the spinal. OK. The doctor did tell me, with spinal, I would be awake. That thought scared me so I asked, err couldn't my husband go in? I mean, they would be cutting me up and feeling everything that's happening, and I'd be alone? Come on! But my O&G doc said no, since I had anterior placenta previa, there would be too much blood. Ok, maybe I shouldn't really think about it too much. And as I was finally wheeled into the OT leaving my husband behind, I did what I do everytime I come face to face with a nerve wrecking experience, such as talking or performing on stage. My head goes blank, and my eyes just observe. It's a miracle how my head can go blank when it mattered. My head NEVER goes blank, even when I go to sleep. I have had experience where I understood an engineering equation by falling asleep while studying! [back in uni days of course]

The Surgery

Mind and thoughts blank. Eyes observe. Which meant, no opinions, no thoughts. Well maybe a little. I thought, the nurse/intern doc (I don't know, he wore a blue outfit) was super cute [sorry hubby..just my thoughts]. And the thing is, he got to see more that what my husband would ever see (he saw my internals too). I was wheeled into the OT by two guys, one of them was the cute one. As I arrived in the room, there were more men. I thought, where are all the ladies? No one wants to work in an OT? Well, they stopped my bed next to the operation table, which was quite thin and it was black. They told me to move to the table by myself. I had trouble moving as I had the tube in my urinary (owh, I forgot to tell the story of inserting the urine tube..pain!!). The guys helped me and told me to lie down. See this is the part I have trouble remembering. Too many things were happening all at once, and then they injected me with a tranquilizer. The anaesthecian, Dr T came in abit later and started to brief me about everything that's happening, starting with the tranquilizer. As soon as that kicked in, it was just all hazy to me. I do remember, them telling me to sit up, which was quite hard, as the table was tilted abit (head lower than feet). I also told the men, I needed help as my head was heavy, so one of the guys held both of my shoulders to keep me up. I barely remember how Dr T told me that they were going to inject my spine. To be honest, either I don't remember, or I just didn't feel anything when they injected my spine. At that point of time, I saw LIMBO.. If you have seen the movie INCEPTION, that's what I felt. I was in limbo. I saw, my world was turning into black and white blocks which eventually transformed itself into some stairs. Some people were running up the stairs and I was shouting at these people, but somehow I could not reach them. Of course everything was slurred and I was only a small percentage aware of what was happening. And then I heard Dr T's voice. Only then I realise I was lying down again and saw the round lights, in the OT. I thought, OMG, I am being cut open. I heard Dr T's voice, continuously briefing me and bringing me back into consciousness. He said, if you feel anything just let me know. Right then, I thought I was going to puke. I wanted to tell Dr T but the message from my brain to my mouth went ever so slowly. Eventually I was able to slur the words, "I ...fffeel sssick". Then I heard Dr T said, they'll give me something for that. I wanted to listen in to what the doctors were saying, in case there were any complications. I heard Dr N's voice and some other woman's voice. I could be mistaken, but to this day, I did not know who that other woman Dr N was talking to. All I heard clearly during the operation (apart from Dr T's briefing) was artery this artery that. Just the word artery.

The Baby

Dr T said, "ok, now the baby's coming out, so they are going to push hard on your stomach, you will feel some pushes and tugs but you won't feel pain". Yup, there was a massive push and tug. Whoosh & thud! And then, there it was....Uweeekkk!!! My baby's cry! I heard it! My head was very heavy and I was very slow, but I heard my baby's cry and I looked around, where was the baby? Dr T said, your baby's out, they're just cleaning him. I remembered, the baby's table was to my right and so I turned. There he was, all wet, slimy and bloody. His head was turned towards me and he was no longer crying. The nurses were cleaning him. His eyes were open and his mouth was pouting for some reason. Of course he looked somewhat blue and he has a lot of hair! His hands were up to his chin. I was thinking, is my baby confirmed a boy? As soon as the nurses were done cleaning him a bit and lifted him up, he cried again, loudly! The nurse came.

"Puan Munira, congratulations, you have a baby boy!" She showed me his thing. Hahah, to think that was the first thing she showed me. "Ok, come kiss the baby" and so I kissed the baby, twice. He smelled sweet. And wet. The nurse also showed me the baby's tag, and that they're the same as mine, just to prove that it was indeed my baby. The nurse took my baby away and I suddenly thought..my husband! I tried to talk. I said, my husband, my husband, where is my husband? Dr T told me not to worry as they will bring my baby to see my husband.

After the surgery

After that, was them closing me up and cleaning me. I saw Dr N briefly, talking to me. She said, "OK Munira, everything went fine, they're just cleaning you up, but I'm sure you won't feel a thing". I was not able to move my bottom part at all, even though I was conscious. So they did everything for me. They moved me to the bed, and wheeled my bed to the observation area. I don't know how long I was there, but I just kept drifting to sleep. Dr T and Dr N saw me and talked to me. Dr N mentioned, I would not be able to see the baby until about 4 hours after. I just took the information in, but was not able to respond normally. I started to feel really cold and started shivering a little. Later when they wheeled me into my ward, I was shivering even more and my brother mentioned, I was scratching ALOT. I just found out, those were side effects of the spinal anaesthesia. Shivering and itchiness. Boy, it was really itchy! Nevertheless, I was glad it was over and both of me and my baby was safe and sound.

The pain

Well, the same day as the operation, of course I did not feel anything as I was still under anaesthesia. Dr N told me, I would start to feel throbbing pain once the anaesthesia wears off, which would be later that night. She told me what my painkiller options were but to withstand the pain as much as I could. Thank God, I did not need extra painkillers. And in terms of pain management, I was glad, my mother was there guide me. She told me everything there was to know about c-sect after pain, and what to expect.

I was expected to get down from my bed the next day. See, I remember my sister asked me, was it the worse pain you've ever felt in your life, worse than that incident when you back 'snapped'? and I answered, nope, that was not the worse pain, my back incident was more painfull. I guess this is what you call pain management. When I took my first step off the bed, it did feel like the bottom half of my body fell off or something and my tears were about to drop. But I pushed myself with each step to go to the toilet. Yes, it was pretty horrendous. But it was not the worse pain I ever felt. It kinda felt stinging as opposed to just pure pain. It didn't help that when I went to the toilet to pee, I had to pee in a bowl thing and I had lots of blood to manage. ALOT of blood. I am glad I read my pregnancy and labour book thoroughly as everything I saw was not a surprise. The pain was still there for a week, but with each day and more movement, the pain subsided. By day 7, I was able to walk normally. By day 14, I could've sworn I didn't feel the pain at all. It was just the odd occasion of stinging sensation, not at the outside wound, but on the inside. They did have to cut through alot to get the baby out, I guess. Now, at day 29, I've forgotten what the pain felt like, except f course, that first step off the bed, and I am just looking after my wound.

The fear?

So in the end, what did I learn? Was all my pre-labour fears irrational? To be honest, I was scared at ALL the things that I mentioned before as they happened. But my head just went blank, and it felt like I was floating above the scene and just observed what happened. For one, they injected one large needle on my left wrist while I was in labour room. OMG, I felt like I was about to pass out when I saw the needle. I just looked away, and hey, they didn't feel so bad. But I had to ask the nurse, can I move my wrist? [since you put a giant ass metal inside it] and she said, of course no problem. And then there was the urine tube. Arrgghhh! Never Again! The nurse gave me the option of inserting the tube there and then, or in the OT after they gave me anaesthesia. Of course I chose the latter. But then Dr N came and when the nurse told her about it, Dr N said, owh no. Just do it down here, It's a momentary pain. I thought ok then here goes! And NO, my head did not go blank. It went ballistic and it was so PAINFUL! NEVER AGAIN! I was almost in tears SOB SOB.

My body changing? I am still living it now. I look in the mirror, I don't remember what my tummy used to look like. But I do know, it looks horrible now L. I've seen the pictures other mothers posted on BabyCentre of their post birth tummy, non looked as bad as mine. Mine is the worse case scenario for stretchmarks! I didn't think I could develop stretchmarks so close to my due date. They only appeared in 8^th – 9^th month of pregnancy!

My life changing? Of course it has. For now it still feels great. I haven't started work yet so I don't know how much it will change. As of now..despite the pain I felt, the stretchmarks and sleepless nights... being a mother rocks! J