Two days ago I went to watch ‘2012’ the movie. For the first time ever, I went to watch a movie, by myself. It felt weird at first, as what you would see in one of those TV ads, the person sits by himself watching a movie, then starts laughing but looked to the left and right, and there was no one to laugh with. I actually did feel like that. As I saw my friends later on that night, apparently most of them have done the same thing! See, my training session finished earlier than I expected. I was supposed to meet my friends around 8 to 830pm that night. So I had 3 hours to spare. I hadn’t seen 2012, when in fact a lot of people I know have watched the movie. I wanted to know what it was all about. I saw reviews on facebook, it made us think to repent etc etc. Regardless of the religion of the person, a lot of my friends were saying that. And then one of my friends said, it reminds me of Noah’s Ark. Or was it my brother who said that? Nevertheless, as I watched the movie, I realized, they were building ships, not spaceships. It was the catch of the movie I guess. Then I heard a friend say, its supposed to be the end of days, then why are there survivors??
This question has given me an inspiration to write this blog somehow. I know lately my blog has been boring. I was trying too hard to be interesting but it just became hard and I just stopped writing. Heck, I even stopped reading! Even after I finally found my ‘party of one’ book. Back to the end of days. Upon finishing the movie, I thought to myself, in such situations, where would I want to be, and who would I want to be with? What would I want to see before my final breath? Of course, I wouldn’t be ‘the president’ or Italy’s prime minister, leading the ‘last’ prayer. But it is a good deed to be doing upon facing our deaths. A friend said, I would love to be the little family hugging each other, accepting their death. Yes, it is a good thought that you could face the end, in the arms of your loved ones. I tried putting myself in such situations. Being with my loved ones. There’s my fiance’, my brother. But I live in Terengganu. My fiance’ and brother are in KL. Then there’s my sister, mother and father. My father has his own little family. My sister is with my mother. With all these complications, I thought, well maybe I should just face it alone, with God, I hope.
Comes to my next little thought. Where, I couldn’t imagine. No one really knows how death is going to feel like. It could hurt, it could feel of nothing, no one alive knows that. And yet, everyone alive WILL face it. Of course it is scary. The unknown is scary. So I was thinking, death is going to come nevertheless. So the end of days, is just death in multiples? If we were thinking individually. Is it so bad? You may beg to differ. I am just sharing my thoughts. Would you, as an individual, choose to accept the consequences around, or would you, actually fight to live? In this case, religions and beliefs have their own teachings. I will not discuss on that. We saw in 2012, that little family chose to fight for their lives, and they survived! Whereas those who stayed and prayed, did not. I know this topic may be controversial. I have had this thought all my life. God determines our fate. At the same time, tells us to fight for our lives and make a difference. It’s just a movie. But I saw the value. It could be the end of days. But none of us really know when is the apocalypse is going to happen. As told in Noah’s ark story, God cleaned up earth. But these species on the ark survived. It was not the end of days yet. The 2012 movie depicted almost the same message.
Millions of years ago, dinosaurs became extinct because they could not survive the earth’s surface changing. The earth’s plates moved and continents were changed. This is what happened in the 2012 movie. It was showing, how humans were intelligent enough to survive such catastrophe! Is it possible? There was a riddle asked during an office event. Which species or animal that can fly, but they have NO WINGS? And guess what the answer is. HUMANS! Human beings are intelligent enough to fly even without evolving wings. They can swim, and submerge underwater without fins. They can dig holes so deep like a mole. They can find resources and turn it into unimaginable things. Yes, ants can carry items so much heavier than its own body weight. But humans can build skyscrapers! Humans can build machineries!
We have seen various movies, where humans escape the apocalypse by going into space and so on. But the 2012 movie, I don’t know. It seems feasible. Nah, only God the Almighty knows for sure. As for me….I only have my humble thoughts to share. God is Great.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Long Distance Relationships
I never used to think long distance relationships work. I would go from one relationship to another, trying my best to make it work, through the ups and downs, and then I move away...(it's usually me who moves). I think to myself, that's it, it's the end. Somehow, the guy usually says, who knows, it might work. Well, I would think to myself, maybe..but I seriously doubt it. The reason I have a boyfriend is to have a companion by my side, when I have my ups and downs. Not putting my sweat into making it work. Bearing in mind, I was very young when I started dating, I had my whole life and career ahead of me. How could I take relationships seriously?
[in the case of some people who might read this blog, who happens to be my ex-boyfriend, do forgive me, I do hope you understand, and I did truly love you then]
One of the major factors of me not believing in long distance relationships (or serious relationships in general) is my father. He used to say to me, "long distance never work, in the whole of my lifetime, I have never seen a long distance relationship work, except for one, your uncle and auntie..." . See, my uncle and auntie dated a long time and then they got married and had 3 children. Now their children are all grown up and they're having the time of their lives travelling nowadays. There was a phase in their lives when the auntie had to continue her studies overseas..but hey, they survived it! Not to mention the inter-racial marriage! This, I guess is a one-off thing.
Back to me constantly moving away from my then boyfriends. I would usually give some period of time for the relationship to work, with a very small percentage of hope and faith that it might work, even though my head says it is pointless. It would usually last a few months, and my record is over one year. And then, the time came for me to move on. You may be wondering what causes me to move on. If I had to go back and see what it was, I would probably say, at the time, I didn't want anyone to hold me back to all my life potentials. Not necessarily romantically, but more towards being successful in building my career and life in general. I used to say to one of my boyfriends (of course I broke his heart saying so), "I see this relationship as a benefit, not a necessity," and somehow, that statement was true for a very long time.
Now that I am engaged, to a man that I am having yet another long distance relationship with (the irony), I feel fine. Going back to the days of our courtship, I remember saying this to him, "I'm going back to my university after this, then comes graduation and first job. What happens next? I don't know. But how can you be so sure we can still be together after all those life changes?" He answered, " Who knows, it might work...(manalah tau...)". That remark made me thinking. Who knows? But regardlessly, being skeptical as I am, I still put the idea aside. There was too much ahead of me to be settling for this idea.
So what was it that made it work? Was it his determination or mine? Was it the fact that we went through so much that it made us grow fond of each other? Or was it the fact that, I opened my heart to the possibility of having him by myside for all eternity, and not worry about my so-called life potentials?
Whatever it was, somehow I believe it was fate (takdir & jodoh). It was meant to be, that whatever happened between us the past few years, it just made our bond stronger, regardless of being far away from each other. I always told my single friends, you'll know they're the one when everything falls into place too easily, and it feels like they're the one. Believe it or not, it exists, even the outside factor may not be as ideal as you would imagine.
So do long distance relationships work? They will, if both of you know, that you love each other that much. And both want it to work. Of course it will take alot of courage, determination, and most importantly, trust. Trust that you and your partner, would never in this world, do anything purposely to hurt each other, no matter what it looks like. So if you do not have any of the essence above, then, just stay away from long distance relationships, as you will break more hearts than you can handle, even your own.
[in the case of some people who might read this blog, who happens to be my ex-boyfriend, do forgive me, I do hope you understand, and I did truly love you then]
One of the major factors of me not believing in long distance relationships (or serious relationships in general) is my father. He used to say to me, "long distance never work, in the whole of my lifetime, I have never seen a long distance relationship work, except for one, your uncle and auntie..." . See, my uncle and auntie dated a long time and then they got married and had 3 children. Now their children are all grown up and they're having the time of their lives travelling nowadays. There was a phase in their lives when the auntie had to continue her studies overseas..but hey, they survived it! Not to mention the inter-racial marriage! This, I guess is a one-off thing.
Back to me constantly moving away from my then boyfriends. I would usually give some period of time for the relationship to work, with a very small percentage of hope and faith that it might work, even though my head says it is pointless. It would usually last a few months, and my record is over one year. And then, the time came for me to move on. You may be wondering what causes me to move on. If I had to go back and see what it was, I would probably say, at the time, I didn't want anyone to hold me back to all my life potentials. Not necessarily romantically, but more towards being successful in building my career and life in general. I used to say to one of my boyfriends (of course I broke his heart saying so), "I see this relationship as a benefit, not a necessity," and somehow, that statement was true for a very long time.
Now that I am engaged, to a man that I am having yet another long distance relationship with (the irony), I feel fine. Going back to the days of our courtship, I remember saying this to him, "I'm going back to my university after this, then comes graduation and first job. What happens next? I don't know. But how can you be so sure we can still be together after all those life changes?" He answered, " Who knows, it might work...(manalah tau...)". That remark made me thinking. Who knows? But regardlessly, being skeptical as I am, I still put the idea aside. There was too much ahead of me to be settling for this idea.
So what was it that made it work? Was it his determination or mine? Was it the fact that we went through so much that it made us grow fond of each other? Or was it the fact that, I opened my heart to the possibility of having him by myside for all eternity, and not worry about my so-called life potentials?
Whatever it was, somehow I believe it was fate (takdir & jodoh). It was meant to be, that whatever happened between us the past few years, it just made our bond stronger, regardless of being far away from each other. I always told my single friends, you'll know they're the one when everything falls into place too easily, and it feels like they're the one. Believe it or not, it exists, even the outside factor may not be as ideal as you would imagine.
So do long distance relationships work? They will, if both of you know, that you love each other that much. And both want it to work. Of course it will take alot of courage, determination, and most importantly, trust. Trust that you and your partner, would never in this world, do anything purposely to hurt each other, no matter what it looks like. So if you do not have any of the essence above, then, just stay away from long distance relationships, as you will break more hearts than you can handle, even your own.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
Saya Anak Malaysia JUGA!!
Not an entry by me, but I'd like to keep this article as I love it and I'm sure alot of us can relate to this:
The Star Online
Monday August 31, 2009
Hello, stranger!
By PHILIP GOLINGAI
Peninsular Malaysians could do their part by learning more about their ‘cousins’ in Sabah.
OH, you’re not an Indian. I always thought you were an Indian,” an avid reader of The Star said when I was first introduced to him in a cafe in Bangsar a few years ago.
“Huh?” I said, almost choking on my cafe latte. “How did you come to that conclusion?”
Philip Golingai and Vera on their wedding day in Penampang in 2007. Inset: Their daughter Apsara. – Photo by ANNA RINA
“Golingai does not sound like a Malay or Chinese name therefore you must be an Indian,” explained the 30-something man from peninsular Malaysia.
In his challenged mind, there were only three races in Malaysia. And consequently he failed to consider the “dan lain lain” (others) in his racial profiling of my surname.
If he did, he might have thought outside the box (or in the Malaysian context - outside the coconut shell) and come to the realisation that a Golingai might be a Bajau, Bidayuh, Iban, Kadazandusun, Rungus or Sandakanite.
I made up the last race. There’s no Sandakanite race. Nevertheless, there are Malaysians who think Sandakanite is an indigenous ethnic group from Sabah.
And since we are on the topic of race, let me share a conversation I have from time to time with orang semenanjung (people from Peninsular Malaysia).
Uncle: “Where are you from?”
Me: “Sabah.”
Uncle: “You must be an Iban.”
Me: “No, I’m a Kadazandusun.”
Uncle: “Oh, Pairin punya orang (Datuk Joseph Pairin Kitingan’s people).”
Me: “Yes.”
(FYI: Malaysian Ibans are predominantly found in Sarawak, Sabah’s neighbour.) Yes, there are orang semenanjung who are katak dalam tempurung (a frog inside a coconut shell) when it comes to basic knowledge about their fellow compatriots living in the island of Borneo.
Recently, sabahforum.com, an online forum to discuss issues related to Sabah, enquired: “What are the funny questions asked about Sabah?” Its readers’ responses are typical questions a Sabahan encounters in Peninsular Malaysia.
“Do you visit Malaysia often?”, “Is the ringgit used in Sabah?”, “Did you come to Malaysia by train?” and - the all time classic - “Do you live in trees?”
But to be fair, not all orang semenanjung are ignoramus. There are some who have intimate knowledge of all things Sabah. For example, my Penangite colleague knows where to find the best char kway teow in Kota Kinabalu and why a non-Sabahan politician keeps going to Sabah.
One of the biggest misconceptions Malaysians have of Sabah is when the state joined Malaysia. I must confess that I too was ignorant of how Malaysia was formed. Either I slept through my secondary school history class or the history books overemphasised Merdeka (August 31, 1957, the day Malaya gained its independence).
My introduction to Malaysia 101 was during the height of Parti Bersatu Sabah’s “Sabah for Sabahans” campaign in the 1980s. Pairin’s PBS harped on the 20-point agreement (including safeguards on matters of immigration, religion, language and education) signed when North Borneo (as Sabah was known then), Sarawak, Singapore and Malaya formed Malaysia on Sept 16, 1963.
The sore point for many Sabahans is August 31, 1957 and not Sept 16, 1963 is emphasised during National Day celebrations. In that birthday snub, they feel that Sabah’s contribution to the formation of Malaysia has been neglected.
And to answer a question which has become a mini-debate in sabahforum.com, Malaysia is 46-years-old and not 52.
I’m four years younger than Malaysia. And I’ve lived about half of my life in the Klang Valley. I like to joke with Sabahans back home that I’m working and living in the capital of Malaysia to reap the benefits of being a Malaysian.
Currently, I’m working and living in Bangkok. And the favourite question Thais would ask me especially when they see Apsara, my 10-month-old baby who resembles a Manga doll, is: “Are you Japanese?” When I answer, “Malaysian”, the typical reply from Bangkokians is “Malay?”
If I have the patience, I will explain that Malaysia consists mainly of Malay, Chinese and Indians. And if I have the time, I will explain about Malaysia’s “dan lain lain”.
“The Kadazandusuns and Iban of Borneo are like the hilltribes,” I explained, referring to the indigenous communities such as Akha, Lahu or Karen living along Thailand’s northern borders.
And through my conversation with them I realised that Bangkokians too have their racial stereotypes. They look down on the hilltribe communities as they think they are not Thai but people from Thailand’s northern neighbours.
And some of them think that the hilltribe communities live in trees.
Sometimes we learn to appreciate the peace in Malaysia from the outside. And I’ve done that during my assignments to cover religious and ethnic conflict in Malaysia’s immediate neighbours - Protestants vs Muslims in Poso, Sulawesi in Indonesia, Catholics vs Muslims in Cotabato, Mindanao in Philippines and Muslims vs Buddhists in southern Thailand.
When I hear the gripping stories from the victims of religious and ethnic violence, it makes me think what would happen if Sabah was not part of Malaysia.
Of course, we can still work on creating better understanding and real knowledge among Malaysians on both sides of the big pond so that we can bridge our differences and become truly 1Malaysia. But still, I can honestly say with love and pride: Three cheers to Malaysia. And, as we say it in Sabah - Aramai ti! (let’s be merry!).
Philip Golingai is The Star’s Thailand correspondent and the editor of Asia News Network, an alliance of 21 Asian newspapers.
****************************************************************************
Well, now comes my part of the story. Some of the most stupid questions or remarks asked were; What currency is used in Sabah? Or When did you move to Malaysia? (Sabah is still Malaysia -.-")
Ever since I moved to Peninsular Malaysia, I have never stopped getting these remarks. They just ring at the back of my head, but over the years I have learnt to keep myself from giving a sarcastic remark (because I don't believe in embarrassing people).
In the first few days of my university during induction, people often stared at me and started speaking English to me and ask where do you come from, Vietnam? And when I reply, no, I'm from Sabah, they always say, oh, no wonder... I received this quite a few times and started to get curious myself. Why do people always say no wonder? I decided to ask a friend, and she said that, it's because I look different. I'm not chinese, nor am I Malay, hence what Philip was saying in the article, why didn't they think of the 'other Malaysians'? Why does it always have to be, you're either Malay, Chinese, Indian or you're international. What if you have a Portugese heritage? Or Iban, Kadazan, Dusun...or what Philip referred to as Sandakanite, one of them is Sungai, which most people think is probably just a joke. It's a real ethnic, and I'm IT! Seriously, my birth certificate says so.
Having a Borneo background, I have always had the opportunity to learn about new cultures, traditions and ethnicity. Not one wedding is the same to the next wedding I attend to in Sabah. I will always be amazed with new things I discover from one wedding to the next. It's a fusion of traditions united together and personally, I feel that people who refuse to see, learn and believe that the world is a wide place have a lot to loose. Especially those that are rigid to think, things should only be, or are only as they are.
I remember in my primary school days. My ethnic background is Sungai and since I lived in Kota Kinabalu, people were not very well aware of this ethnicity. The kids used to laugh at me everytime the teacher points it out. But when I go back to Sandakan, Sungai is a very common ethnicity. It shows how large Sabah is. Mind you, I still do get the jokes on that to this day, everytime I say my ethnicity is Sungai. They would usually say, Are you sure it's not laut? (Sungai=River, Laut=Sea).
When I went to college in Labuan, I learnt some major new things. Sarawak! Little did I know, growing up in Sabah, that Sarawak is as rich in culture and ethnics as it is in Sabah! There is bahasa melayu Sarawak, which I learnt to speak almost fluently over the years. And I'm pretty sure my Sarawakian counterparts also learnt about Sabahans! I remember some of us talking saying that either Sabah or Sarawak malay language sounds abit like Malayan (term used for Peninsular Malaysia). In fact, we were trying to speak a common language to be understood by each other, which is what we know from the TV, melayu semenanjung.
Speaking of calling Peninsular Malaysia, Malaya, this is the argument. On 31st of August 1957, MALAYA became independent, not MALAYSIA. Malaysia was formed in 1963, which in turn makes Sabahans feel that it's pointless to celebrate 31st August. To make it worse, 16th September is not even commemorated! We Sabahans have grown a slight dislike towards the West of Malaysia because of this imbalance, when in fact if we wanted to compare the cross-sectional area of the land and possibly the population, us East Malaysians consist of probably half of what Malaysia is. Nevertheless, I can see that it is slowly improving. The government TV channels have already started to have documentaries on East Malaysia, and we are also being recognised now in Parliament and the entertainment world. All there is left to do is for us, especially our friends in West Malaysia, to become less ignorant, and more aware on our existence and contribution for our country, as what we call as Malaysia.
Not MALAYA, not BORNEO, but MALAYSIA.......
The Star Online
Monday August 31, 2009
Hello, stranger!
By PHILIP GOLINGAI
Peninsular Malaysians could do their part by learning more about their ‘cousins’ in Sabah.
OH, you’re not an Indian. I always thought you were an Indian,” an avid reader of The Star said when I was first introduced to him in a cafe in Bangsar a few years ago.
“Huh?” I said, almost choking on my cafe latte. “How did you come to that conclusion?”
Philip Golingai and Vera on their wedding day in Penampang in 2007. Inset: Their daughter Apsara. – Photo by ANNA RINA
“Golingai does not sound like a Malay or Chinese name therefore you must be an Indian,” explained the 30-something man from peninsular Malaysia.
In his challenged mind, there were only three races in Malaysia. And consequently he failed to consider the “dan lain lain” (others) in his racial profiling of my surname.
If he did, he might have thought outside the box (or in the Malaysian context - outside the coconut shell) and come to the realisation that a Golingai might be a Bajau, Bidayuh, Iban, Kadazandusun, Rungus or Sandakanite.
I made up the last race. There’s no Sandakanite race. Nevertheless, there are Malaysians who think Sandakanite is an indigenous ethnic group from Sabah.
And since we are on the topic of race, let me share a conversation I have from time to time with orang semenanjung (people from Peninsular Malaysia).
Uncle: “Where are you from?”
Me: “Sabah.”
Uncle: “You must be an Iban.”
Me: “No, I’m a Kadazandusun.”
Uncle: “Oh, Pairin punya orang (Datuk Joseph Pairin Kitingan’s people).”
Me: “Yes.”
(FYI: Malaysian Ibans are predominantly found in Sarawak, Sabah’s neighbour.) Yes, there are orang semenanjung who are katak dalam tempurung (a frog inside a coconut shell) when it comes to basic knowledge about their fellow compatriots living in the island of Borneo.
Recently, sabahforum.com, an online forum to discuss issues related to Sabah, enquired: “What are the funny questions asked about Sabah?” Its readers’ responses are typical questions a Sabahan encounters in Peninsular Malaysia.
“Do you visit Malaysia often?”, “Is the ringgit used in Sabah?”, “Did you come to Malaysia by train?” and - the all time classic - “Do you live in trees?”
But to be fair, not all orang semenanjung are ignoramus. There are some who have intimate knowledge of all things Sabah. For example, my Penangite colleague knows where to find the best char kway teow in Kota Kinabalu and why a non-Sabahan politician keeps going to Sabah.
One of the biggest misconceptions Malaysians have of Sabah is when the state joined Malaysia. I must confess that I too was ignorant of how Malaysia was formed. Either I slept through my secondary school history class or the history books overemphasised Merdeka (August 31, 1957, the day Malaya gained its independence).
My introduction to Malaysia 101 was during the height of Parti Bersatu Sabah’s “Sabah for Sabahans” campaign in the 1980s. Pairin’s PBS harped on the 20-point agreement (including safeguards on matters of immigration, religion, language and education) signed when North Borneo (as Sabah was known then), Sarawak, Singapore and Malaya formed Malaysia on Sept 16, 1963.
The sore point for many Sabahans is August 31, 1957 and not Sept 16, 1963 is emphasised during National Day celebrations. In that birthday snub, they feel that Sabah’s contribution to the formation of Malaysia has been neglected.
And to answer a question which has become a mini-debate in sabahforum.com, Malaysia is 46-years-old and not 52.
I’m four years younger than Malaysia. And I’ve lived about half of my life in the Klang Valley. I like to joke with Sabahans back home that I’m working and living in the capital of Malaysia to reap the benefits of being a Malaysian.
Currently, I’m working and living in Bangkok. And the favourite question Thais would ask me especially when they see Apsara, my 10-month-old baby who resembles a Manga doll, is: “Are you Japanese?” When I answer, “Malaysian”, the typical reply from Bangkokians is “Malay?”
If I have the patience, I will explain that Malaysia consists mainly of Malay, Chinese and Indians. And if I have the time, I will explain about Malaysia’s “dan lain lain”.
“The Kadazandusuns and Iban of Borneo are like the hilltribes,” I explained, referring to the indigenous communities such as Akha, Lahu or Karen living along Thailand’s northern borders.
And through my conversation with them I realised that Bangkokians too have their racial stereotypes. They look down on the hilltribe communities as they think they are not Thai but people from Thailand’s northern neighbours.
And some of them think that the hilltribe communities live in trees.
Sometimes we learn to appreciate the peace in Malaysia from the outside. And I’ve done that during my assignments to cover religious and ethnic conflict in Malaysia’s immediate neighbours - Protestants vs Muslims in Poso, Sulawesi in Indonesia, Catholics vs Muslims in Cotabato, Mindanao in Philippines and Muslims vs Buddhists in southern Thailand.
When I hear the gripping stories from the victims of religious and ethnic violence, it makes me think what would happen if Sabah was not part of Malaysia.
Of course, we can still work on creating better understanding and real knowledge among Malaysians on both sides of the big pond so that we can bridge our differences and become truly 1Malaysia. But still, I can honestly say with love and pride: Three cheers to Malaysia. And, as we say it in Sabah - Aramai ti! (let’s be merry!).
Philip Golingai is The Star’s Thailand correspondent and the editor of Asia News Network, an alliance of 21 Asian newspapers.
****************************************************************************
Well, now comes my part of the story. Some of the most stupid questions or remarks asked were; What currency is used in Sabah? Or When did you move to Malaysia? (Sabah is still Malaysia -.-")
Ever since I moved to Peninsular Malaysia, I have never stopped getting these remarks. They just ring at the back of my head, but over the years I have learnt to keep myself from giving a sarcastic remark (because I don't believe in embarrassing people).
In the first few days of my university during induction, people often stared at me and started speaking English to me and ask where do you come from, Vietnam? And when I reply, no, I'm from Sabah, they always say, oh, no wonder... I received this quite a few times and started to get curious myself. Why do people always say no wonder? I decided to ask a friend, and she said that, it's because I look different. I'm not chinese, nor am I Malay, hence what Philip was saying in the article, why didn't they think of the 'other Malaysians'? Why does it always have to be, you're either Malay, Chinese, Indian or you're international. What if you have a Portugese heritage? Or Iban, Kadazan, Dusun...or what Philip referred to as Sandakanite, one of them is Sungai, which most people think is probably just a joke. It's a real ethnic, and I'm IT! Seriously, my birth certificate says so.
Having a Borneo background, I have always had the opportunity to learn about new cultures, traditions and ethnicity. Not one wedding is the same to the next wedding I attend to in Sabah. I will always be amazed with new things I discover from one wedding to the next. It's a fusion of traditions united together and personally, I feel that people who refuse to see, learn and believe that the world is a wide place have a lot to loose. Especially those that are rigid to think, things should only be, or are only as they are.
I remember in my primary school days. My ethnic background is Sungai and since I lived in Kota Kinabalu, people were not very well aware of this ethnicity. The kids used to laugh at me everytime the teacher points it out. But when I go back to Sandakan, Sungai is a very common ethnicity. It shows how large Sabah is. Mind you, I still do get the jokes on that to this day, everytime I say my ethnicity is Sungai. They would usually say, Are you sure it's not laut? (Sungai=River, Laut=Sea).
When I went to college in Labuan, I learnt some major new things. Sarawak! Little did I know, growing up in Sabah, that Sarawak is as rich in culture and ethnics as it is in Sabah! There is bahasa melayu Sarawak, which I learnt to speak almost fluently over the years. And I'm pretty sure my Sarawakian counterparts also learnt about Sabahans! I remember some of us talking saying that either Sabah or Sarawak malay language sounds abit like Malayan (term used for Peninsular Malaysia). In fact, we were trying to speak a common language to be understood by each other, which is what we know from the TV, melayu semenanjung.
Speaking of calling Peninsular Malaysia, Malaya, this is the argument. On 31st of August 1957, MALAYA became independent, not MALAYSIA. Malaysia was formed in 1963, which in turn makes Sabahans feel that it's pointless to celebrate 31st August. To make it worse, 16th September is not even commemorated! We Sabahans have grown a slight dislike towards the West of Malaysia because of this imbalance, when in fact if we wanted to compare the cross-sectional area of the land and possibly the population, us East Malaysians consist of probably half of what Malaysia is. Nevertheless, I can see that it is slowly improving. The government TV channels have already started to have documentaries on East Malaysia, and we are also being recognised now in Parliament and the entertainment world. All there is left to do is for us, especially our friends in West Malaysia, to become less ignorant, and more aware on our existence and contribution for our country, as what we call as Malaysia.
Not MALAYA, not BORNEO, but MALAYSIA.......
Sunday, August 02, 2009
The Path Not Taken
This title sounds familiar. I think it was one of the literature subjects we had to study in school for the English subject. It fails me when I try to recall what it was. Was it a short story? Was it a poem? The actual title was, The Road Not Taken. Nevertheless, the title explains the context of what is told within the literature content. Need I tell you what I am about to blabber?
See, there are a so many points of my life, if I had not made that choice, life would be very different today. Of course, I can't reveal all here, but what I can tell is those that had lead me to where I am now, on this bed, in this small town, doing what I do now.
Growing up, most people would experience life without much choice for themselves. Especially in this community, the parents are most likely to make those life choices for you. Even so, I think I contributed to some of those decisions made by my parents. Had I not decided to sneak out that one cold night, I would not have been caught, had I not been caught, I wouldn't have moved to the other side of the world. Had I not moved, I would not have gone through the school that lead me to go to college, and next, achieved that scholarship, that was responsible for the job I am currently doing. Some may beg to differ as to these series of events happening. That one night, may or may not have determined my current position now. It's scary to think about really.
If I were to point out another event in my life, where my decision at that point of time would have changed the course of my life, I would pick one of my favourites, which led to my current love life. It was an extremely hard process, one decision had to be made after another. Pick a point, decision to choose the company to do my internship. I had four offers at that time, even the mother company of my sponsor. How did I make that decision? I had two factors influencing me. The distance from my then boyfriend and the excitement that job offered. The interviewer told me I would be travelling and have my own assignments. Whereas other companies, didn't even bother to see or call me first. Of course the other choices had its own advantages. I would be living at home and wouldn't have had to go through the hardship of renting an apartment and chasing buses that are usually already full most of the time with only the internship allowances that I had.
Yes, I chose the hardship, knowing myself, being an insatiable being when it comes to life achievements and self satisfaction, knowing I did that by myself. My first main factor collapsed right before my eyes, my then boyfriend left me for someone else and if I were to think about it, my second factor were merely a distant experience, as I am currently working in a different industry. Had I chosen my mother company I would have had the chance to learn more on our facilities earlier. Despite these main factor failing me, I can see that, had I not made that decision, I would not be engaged to the person that is perfect for me now. This ring on my finger holds a value to that decision I made years ago.
Speaking of life choices, I can see how it trails to how it has shaped my life path now. Although, one choice that I made makes me wonder to this day. Had I chosen the path not taken, would I have more drive in my life now? Would it have destroyed everything else that was stable in my life, for the sake of self-satisfaction? Had I declined that offer, would I be happier doing what I have passion for, or would I have made the worse decision of my life?
I have lived my life, choosing the braver choice, jumping off the cliff, only to be greeted with the greatest thrill of my life. Have I grown wiser that I chose the safer choice in the end? I can't say that I regret that decision. But deep in me, I can feel a longing, to know what life would have been like, had I chosen that path in life. Would I be happier? Would I be more successful? Would I have had to pay a larger price in other aspects of my life?
Those who know me well, will know what offer I am referring to. To this day, I sometimes lay at night, thinking, what if, I had gone with my heart then. Would I have fulfilled my life desires, or at least being in the right path towards it? Because now, I feel safe.....but empty inside
See, there are a so many points of my life, if I had not made that choice, life would be very different today. Of course, I can't reveal all here, but what I can tell is those that had lead me to where I am now, on this bed, in this small town, doing what I do now.
Growing up, most people would experience life without much choice for themselves. Especially in this community, the parents are most likely to make those life choices for you. Even so, I think I contributed to some of those decisions made by my parents. Had I not decided to sneak out that one cold night, I would not have been caught, had I not been caught, I wouldn't have moved to the other side of the world. Had I not moved, I would not have gone through the school that lead me to go to college, and next, achieved that scholarship, that was responsible for the job I am currently doing. Some may beg to differ as to these series of events happening. That one night, may or may not have determined my current position now. It's scary to think about really.
If I were to point out another event in my life, where my decision at that point of time would have changed the course of my life, I would pick one of my favourites, which led to my current love life. It was an extremely hard process, one decision had to be made after another. Pick a point, decision to choose the company to do my internship. I had four offers at that time, even the mother company of my sponsor. How did I make that decision? I had two factors influencing me. The distance from my then boyfriend and the excitement that job offered. The interviewer told me I would be travelling and have my own assignments. Whereas other companies, didn't even bother to see or call me first. Of course the other choices had its own advantages. I would be living at home and wouldn't have had to go through the hardship of renting an apartment and chasing buses that are usually already full most of the time with only the internship allowances that I had.
Yes, I chose the hardship, knowing myself, being an insatiable being when it comes to life achievements and self satisfaction, knowing I did that by myself. My first main factor collapsed right before my eyes, my then boyfriend left me for someone else and if I were to think about it, my second factor were merely a distant experience, as I am currently working in a different industry. Had I chosen my mother company I would have had the chance to learn more on our facilities earlier. Despite these main factor failing me, I can see that, had I not made that decision, I would not be engaged to the person that is perfect for me now. This ring on my finger holds a value to that decision I made years ago.
Speaking of life choices, I can see how it trails to how it has shaped my life path now. Although, one choice that I made makes me wonder to this day. Had I chosen the path not taken, would I have more drive in my life now? Would it have destroyed everything else that was stable in my life, for the sake of self-satisfaction? Had I declined that offer, would I be happier doing what I have passion for, or would I have made the worse decision of my life?
I have lived my life, choosing the braver choice, jumping off the cliff, only to be greeted with the greatest thrill of my life. Have I grown wiser that I chose the safer choice in the end? I can't say that I regret that decision. But deep in me, I can feel a longing, to know what life would have been like, had I chosen that path in life. Would I be happier? Would I be more successful? Would I have had to pay a larger price in other aspects of my life?
Those who know me well, will know what offer I am referring to. To this day, I sometimes lay at night, thinking, what if, I had gone with my heart then. Would I have fulfilled my life desires, or at least being in the right path towards it? Because now, I feel safe.....but empty inside
Friday, July 24, 2009
The Loner's Manifesto
We do not require company. The opposite: in varying degrees, it bores us, drains us, makes our eyes glaze over. Overcomes us like a steamroller. Of course the rest of the world doesn't understand.
Someone says to you, "Let's have lunch." You clench. Your sinews leap within you, angling for escape. What others thrive on, what they take for granted, the contact and confraternity and sharing that gives them strength leaves us empty. After what others would call a fun day out together, we feel as if we have been at the Red Cross, donating blood.
Excerpt from Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto by Annelli Rufus
Someone says to you, "Let's have lunch." You clench. Your sinews leap within you, angling for escape. What others thrive on, what they take for granted, the contact and confraternity and sharing that gives them strength leaves us empty. After what others would call a fun day out together, we feel as if we have been at the Red Cross, donating blood.
Excerpt from Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto by Annelli Rufus
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
No facebook-No TV
Why? Because 60% of my free time consists of these two. The other 40% would probably be going out, or extra sleep. 60% of my FREE TIME. Free time is defined by time spent doing other than working, sleeping, travelling and being in the bathroom. Plus, I am getting obsessed with facebook. AND the TV. Okay, TV, since I pay for it, I can watch it, but I need limitation on the hours. Tonight, a NO. TV only on weekends and Desperate Housewives night. How long do I keep this up? Maybe a month. I want to have time to rest and to explore things I have been intending to explore. If I spend too much time on these time consuming activities, I am going to miss out on life! So here's a start..
NO FACEBOOK
NO TV
as a start...for TONIGHT..
then I will play it day by day.....
NO FACEBOOK
NO TV
as a start...for TONIGHT..
then I will play it day by day.....
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
I don't have 'my girls'!
I want to put in this entry before I sleep tonight. But it's a wee bit too private to publish as it poses one of my insecurities. Then again, I don't want to waste a long piece of writing ;)
See my whole life, I have been secluding myself from the world for a reason unknown even to myself. There is a possibility that if I talk to a psychiatrist he would know why I do such things. As I would recall growing up, I didn't always used to be so. Going as far back as I can remember, I was in Primary 1 and 2, I had this girl who forced me to be her bff. If I didn't do exactly as she told me too, I would get some kind of a beating from her. And somehow, I remember her name till this day. In short, I was bullied. It carried on for 2 years till Primary 2. One day, I stood up against her that one time that she scratch me all over my face and head. I fought back that time and I remember her not bullying me again and even changed school! I honestly don't remember why she changed school.
My memory can zoom forward to a place and time that I became this bitchy girl in primary school. That must have been primary 4 or 5. I don't know how or why I have managed to establish a gang of girls and managed to create a so-called opposing gang that we would have a fight with [not physically of course]. I remember creating a 'hate' short story that I wrote about the other girls from the other possey. This somehow got out and got in the hands of my teacher and then I was called to the disciplinary teacher's room and was punished? I can't remember how, but I do remember that the disciplinary teacher was hot *batter eyelashes*. I was in primary school, and yet I was already feeling attracted to the teacher!
Well, my life took a turn in that same year. I moved overseas. There I had to start life again. I know I was young, but it has made a dent in my memory on how 'weird' the people there perceived me, and how I was..once again..bullied. The girl who befriended me, just wanted to lash out on her supposedly bff, saying that she has a new bff. [owh well, I dated her elder brother years later...so I couldn't care less ahah]. Somehow or rather, I managed to snap out of the ugly awkward duckling phase. I got real friends [or ONE true friend]. Then came secondary school.
Year 8 and 9. I don't why the memory is so vague for me, but I do remember being very secretive of my personal life. I had lunch with people from different classes, and hung out with different people outside. I never really had a 'posey' as you would call it [except for the primary school incident]. Then came this phase of my life that I was a 'bad' girl and hung out with 'the greebos'. People with hooded jackets and walk with their heads down. How I ended friends with them, I'm still wondering. I think I remember, I just casually talked to this stranger while walking to school because I was curious about something [or someone]. Which leads me to think, am I friendly, or am I just forward? I discovered a whole other life then, and there was an incident that some parts of my life was leaked around school. That was the first time that people started to know what I was about. Not to mention, I did make good impressions with my teachers then.
My life took another turn at this point. Back to Malaysia. Yet another awkward phase of my life. People are more friendly I guess and I made a different set of friends in no time, although I was very quiet..I think. See the problem with me is, I can't maintain to be in-touch with people once they are far away from me. It's sad really. With this group of friends, I had a long running friendship, relationship and activities. Even so, I kept myself away most of the time and only became close after school was over! It lasted so long, but lately, when we all started working and getting married, somehow it just started to drift...or I started to drift..
Came university days. Again, I attracted different sets of people, but what intrigue me most was, I had one or two very good friends, and that was that. And I led a totally different life from them. I wanted them to have other friends too. [Hey, writing this has rooted my problem]. I don't know what it was that made me that way. Part of the reason is probably because, I went to that Uni alone..I didn't know anyone. But with that being said, I went to primary school, & secondary school alone too. I was fine then. A few years down the line, still the same ol' same ol'. Internship..even then I didn't make great friends! Final year, and then first job.
First job. I made great friends then. But they were not girlies! Yet again another set of guy friends. Did alot of things together. That was fun. And yet, life took another turn within the same year. I changed jobs and moved states altogether. I didn't expect anything. And guess what.....nothing happened! Yes, I met great work colleagues and all, but...........knowing myself, I need to be an outsider. I need to find friends outside the circle.
Well, this entry has the purpose of putting my mind as ease when I am thinking, I do not have 'girlies' nor a posey, which makes it hard for me to do a hen night etc. I have many many different sets of friends, many of which are guys and heck, most of my other girlies are married..Sigh...how did my life end-up this way?
See my whole life, I have been secluding myself from the world for a reason unknown even to myself. There is a possibility that if I talk to a psychiatrist he would know why I do such things. As I would recall growing up, I didn't always used to be so. Going as far back as I can remember, I was in Primary 1 and 2, I had this girl who forced me to be her bff. If I didn't do exactly as she told me too, I would get some kind of a beating from her. And somehow, I remember her name till this day. In short, I was bullied. It carried on for 2 years till Primary 2. One day, I stood up against her that one time that she scratch me all over my face and head. I fought back that time and I remember her not bullying me again and even changed school! I honestly don't remember why she changed school.
My memory can zoom forward to a place and time that I became this bitchy girl in primary school. That must have been primary 4 or 5. I don't know how or why I have managed to establish a gang of girls and managed to create a so-called opposing gang that we would have a fight with [not physically of course]. I remember creating a 'hate' short story that I wrote about the other girls from the other possey. This somehow got out and got in the hands of my teacher and then I was called to the disciplinary teacher's room and was punished? I can't remember how, but I do remember that the disciplinary teacher was hot *batter eyelashes*. I was in primary school, and yet I was already feeling attracted to the teacher!
Well, my life took a turn in that same year. I moved overseas. There I had to start life again. I know I was young, but it has made a dent in my memory on how 'weird' the people there perceived me, and how I was..once again..bullied. The girl who befriended me, just wanted to lash out on her supposedly bff, saying that she has a new bff. [owh well, I dated her elder brother years later...so I couldn't care less ahah]. Somehow or rather, I managed to snap out of the ugly awkward duckling phase. I got real friends [or ONE true friend]. Then came secondary school.
Year 8 and 9. I don't why the memory is so vague for me, but I do remember being very secretive of my personal life. I had lunch with people from different classes, and hung out with different people outside. I never really had a 'posey' as you would call it [except for the primary school incident]. Then came this phase of my life that I was a 'bad' girl and hung out with 'the greebos'. People with hooded jackets and walk with their heads down. How I ended friends with them, I'm still wondering. I think I remember, I just casually talked to this stranger while walking to school because I was curious about something [or someone]. Which leads me to think, am I friendly, or am I just forward? I discovered a whole other life then, and there was an incident that some parts of my life was leaked around school. That was the first time that people started to know what I was about. Not to mention, I did make good impressions with my teachers then.
My life took another turn at this point. Back to Malaysia. Yet another awkward phase of my life. People are more friendly I guess and I made a different set of friends in no time, although I was very quiet..I think. See the problem with me is, I can't maintain to be in-touch with people once they are far away from me. It's sad really. With this group of friends, I had a long running friendship, relationship and activities. Even so, I kept myself away most of the time and only became close after school was over! It lasted so long, but lately, when we all started working and getting married, somehow it just started to drift...or I started to drift..
Came university days. Again, I attracted different sets of people, but what intrigue me most was, I had one or two very good friends, and that was that. And I led a totally different life from them. I wanted them to have other friends too. [Hey, writing this has rooted my problem]. I don't know what it was that made me that way. Part of the reason is probably because, I went to that Uni alone..I didn't know anyone. But with that being said, I went to primary school, & secondary school alone too. I was fine then. A few years down the line, still the same ol' same ol'. Internship..even then I didn't make great friends! Final year, and then first job.
First job. I made great friends then. But they were not girlies! Yet again another set of guy friends. Did alot of things together. That was fun. And yet, life took another turn within the same year. I changed jobs and moved states altogether. I didn't expect anything. And guess what.....nothing happened! Yes, I met great work colleagues and all, but...........knowing myself, I need to be an outsider. I need to find friends outside the circle.
Well, this entry has the purpose of putting my mind as ease when I am thinking, I do not have 'girlies' nor a posey, which makes it hard for me to do a hen night etc. I have many many different sets of friends, many of which are guys and heck, most of my other girlies are married..Sigh...how did my life end-up this way?
Wednesday, July 08, 2009
"Speechless"
Your love is magical, that's how I feel
But I have not the words here to explain
Gone is the grace for expressions of passion
But there are worlds and worlds of ways to explain
To tell you how I feel
But I am speechless, speechless
That's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away and nothing is for real
When I'm with you I am lost for words, I don't know what to say
My head's spinning like a carousel, so silently I pray
Helpless and hopeless, that's how I feel inside
Nothing's real, but all is possible if God is on my side
When I'm with you I am in the light where I cannot be found
It's as though I am standing in the place called Hallowed Ground
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away and nothing is for real
I'll go anywhere and do anything just to touch your face
There's no mountain high I cannot climb
I'm humbled in your grace
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am lost for words and nothing is for real
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away, and nothing is for real
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am lost for words and nothing is for real
Speechless
Your love is magical, that's how I feel
But in your presence I am lost for words
Words like, "I love you."
But I have not the words here to explain
Gone is the grace for expressions of passion
But there are worlds and worlds of ways to explain
To tell you how I feel
But I am speechless, speechless
That's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away and nothing is for real
When I'm with you I am lost for words, I don't know what to say
My head's spinning like a carousel, so silently I pray
Helpless and hopeless, that's how I feel inside
Nothing's real, but all is possible if God is on my side
When I'm with you I am in the light where I cannot be found
It's as though I am standing in the place called Hallowed Ground
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away and nothing is for real
I'll go anywhere and do anything just to touch your face
There's no mountain high I cannot climb
I'm humbled in your grace
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am lost for words and nothing is for real
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away, and nothing is for real
Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am lost for words and nothing is for real
Speechless
Your love is magical, that's how I feel
But in your presence I am lost for words
Words like, "I love you."
Friday, July 03, 2009
Star-struck!
Star-struck
Adjective Fascinated or greatly impressed by famous people, especially those connected with cinema or theatre
I got the idea for the title from a friend of mine who wrote about another star. I wanted to write this blog to let go of the death of my star.
Back when I was living in the
And then came a point of my life that everything changed. I was at another part of the world and life was hard to adjust to. Of course I had to grow out of the obsession. I have never been obsessed with any other star, as was I obsessed with him. Of course, there were other stars that I was just star-struck with. But usually, I couldn’t care less of their personal lives. They reserve that right for themselves. It applies to my star, but he was the only one that I cared to find out where he was born, grew up, who were his wives, and who were his children.
And then came the day that he died. I was at my mother’s house. I remember while I was half asleep, when my siblings were hustling about wanting to switch on the TV, is it true? Is it true? He died! I was thinking, it had to come, everyone dies! But then when my mother was telling me, “Nira, he has died, your dearest has died! [Kesayangan mu sudah mati]”, it struck me. Somehow I felt a block in my heart. What is this I am feeling? I needed to know what happened. I was waiting for the news all day long. I was quiet no matter what my mother was saying. “ Nda kau menangis, Munira? Kau
The day passed. As I was driving home with my siblings late that night, I confessed to my sister, “You know, in fact I am devastated by his death. But I can’t cry because of what Umi has been saying all day long, that I loved him. I didn’t want to seem lame by crying”. “Well, you won’t be lame if you cry now,” she replied. I am thinking, no, I can’t still. But I kept my emotions buried as the week passed. I wouldn’t stop listening to his songs. Then came one night that I burst out crying. I called my fiancé’ about it. Of course he didn’t know what to do with me. He found it weird but of course, being a dear he didn’t say that. It was me that said, you must find this weird…and he said yes! Hahah...but I understood. I found it weird too. As I mentioned before, usually, when I like a star, I couldn’t care less for the personal life. But with him, I don’t know…I am...what you may say…STAR STRUCK
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Irrational Childhood Fears
There's an episode in the all-time favourite sitcom 'Friends' that Ross and Rachel revealed their irrational childhood fears. Ross suggested that he would take Emma (their daughter together) to the nearby park to play on the swings. Rachel revealed her irrational fear of 'swings'. The story behind it was that her hair was stuck on the swings and her mother had to cut her hair out. "It was uneven for weeks!".
It had been raining the past few days. It was ok during the weekdays as I would be tired getting home from work and I wouldn't even have the energy to give it any thoughts. It started last night that the satellite TV (Astro) started to go blank due to the rain. It was raining and then came the thunderstorm. It occurred to me that I was alone, and I will be alone for a three day weekend here..eerie..well usually, I am not the type of person that can easily be scared of by ghastly ghoulies. But guess what... I have an irrational childhood fear of..... Heavy Rain!!
I told you, even the title states "irrational". WHy you ask? It's the repetitive loud noise that comes with it, the cold, the unexpected lightning & thunder, it just gives me the creeps. The sound of the raindrops on the roof, on the balcony, tapping on the window (it taps the window!) and most of the time in Malaysia, the rain really does pour you'd think it was hailing stones!
My imagination runs wild with all those horror stories that you've watched when you were a child. Tapping window; sticks from branches of the tree tapping the window and the tree somehow comes alive.... and there isn't even any tree outside my window..argghh. Raindrops on the roof; little devil's minions with green eyes throwing rocks on my roof! Lightning; well I don't think this is irrational, fear of getting struck by lightning, or even any of my electronic appliances. Thunder; generally, I think about how God is made at me. We have our parent's version of being angry, loud voice that scares us..for me, thunder is God being angry....and I get scared.
I remember being a young girl, lying awake staring outside the window. I saw the shapes and pattern of the lightning striking the ground. I'd lie there wide awake thinking, God is angry and he is going to punish us. We would switch off all appliances and go straight to bed, but there was no way that I could sleep till it was over. My heart would beat fast as I lie on my side with my eyes wide open. I couldn't close my eyes as my imagination runs when I can't see. It was better that I saw exactly what was in front of me, than having it drawn inside my head for me. And even today, the exact same thing still happens to me, except, I pretend that I'm not scared....
Well, I do have other childhood irrational fears, among which, is the fear of stepping over dark drains, getting close or even swim in dark waters (even pools)....I'll save those for other entries :o)
It had been raining the past few days. It was ok during the weekdays as I would be tired getting home from work and I wouldn't even have the energy to give it any thoughts. It started last night that the satellite TV (Astro) started to go blank due to the rain. It was raining and then came the thunderstorm. It occurred to me that I was alone, and I will be alone for a three day weekend here..eerie..well usually, I am not the type of person that can easily be scared of by ghastly ghoulies. But guess what... I have an irrational childhood fear of..... Heavy Rain!!
I told you, even the title states "irrational". WHy you ask? It's the repetitive loud noise that comes with it, the cold, the unexpected lightning & thunder, it just gives me the creeps. The sound of the raindrops on the roof, on the balcony, tapping on the window (it taps the window!) and most of the time in Malaysia, the rain really does pour you'd think it was hailing stones!
My imagination runs wild with all those horror stories that you've watched when you were a child. Tapping window; sticks from branches of the tree tapping the window and the tree somehow comes alive.... and there isn't even any tree outside my window..argghh. Raindrops on the roof; little devil's minions with green eyes throwing rocks on my roof! Lightning; well I don't think this is irrational, fear of getting struck by lightning, or even any of my electronic appliances. Thunder; generally, I think about how God is made at me. We have our parent's version of being angry, loud voice that scares us..for me, thunder is God being angry....and I get scared.
I remember being a young girl, lying awake staring outside the window. I saw the shapes and pattern of the lightning striking the ground. I'd lie there wide awake thinking, God is angry and he is going to punish us. We would switch off all appliances and go straight to bed, but there was no way that I could sleep till it was over. My heart would beat fast as I lie on my side with my eyes wide open. I couldn't close my eyes as my imagination runs when I can't see. It was better that I saw exactly what was in front of me, than having it drawn inside my head for me. And even today, the exact same thing still happens to me, except, I pretend that I'm not scared....
Well, I do have other childhood irrational fears, among which, is the fear of stepping over dark drains, getting close or even swim in dark waters (even pools)....I'll save those for other entries :o)
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Best Years of My Life
Two two new jobs, two new homes, new car (well not so new), a degree and a fiance'....I gained it all in the space of a few months. 2008 will be the year that is remembered throughout my life, what more can I ask for.
See, I started this entry last year, in the attempts to restart my writing hobby. I used to write in my diary when I was younger, and it all converted to the form of a blog as the internet technology advanced. It went very well, I had a few readers and those readers knew how my life was turning out and even when they see me, they asked if I was ok, despite the fact that I rarely left my room in college. Well, that was the contradicting factor that led to the disposal of my blog site. I wanted to be very private, keeping to myself, not talking to others. But I was talking to the world by writing in my blog and expressing all there is to express. The irony somehow led to my depression and at times I felt confused and enraged at all the sympathy I was getting. I didn't want sympathy for others. I was feeling the masochism in me of wanting others to hurt me, when all they offered was love and care.
The life changes that I have had to face were getting overwhelming for me that I constantly broke down and cried. Of course through the hard times there are a few faces that I remember..or more like voices. I was alone and all the people that I loved and cared to have around me were far away, but none the less, were there for me. Voices that said, why oh why would you do that to yourself, telling the whole world how stupid you are, sharing how weak your heart is. No one should know that, only those who care and those who love you will appreciate you, and stand by you through the thick and thin, no matter how bad the situation can get. Those are the only people that should be hearing all the anguish, depression and sadness that you are going through. He was right, he was right. I knew deep in my heart that these words were true. Why should I talk about my pain and suffering, I should be talking of my trophies and achievements!
See that was the intention of this entry originally. Somehow, through the triumphs of my life, I find it hard to sit and type. I was always too busy to cherish the moment. Until the time comes again, for me to reach the bottom of the wheel of life. At the bottom, that I start to feel resentment, for not cherishing those triumphants of my life. That I start to regret not holding on tight enough. Through those times, that feeling sorry for myself leads me to sit down and publish my fears and weakness...my vunerability....
So what lead me to do this entry? Its the start of gratefulness that I feel for how complete my life is. Its the realisation on how resentment shouldn't be the only channel for me to share my creativity. It's there, but it would be such a waste to not to share it with the world. I'm slowly getting there. Pretty soon, I'll be where I am meant to be, minus the depression and vunerability. As for the 'other' life problems? Well, it's not MY life. I'm used to it. NO SWEAT :)
See, I started this entry last year, in the attempts to restart my writing hobby. I used to write in my diary when I was younger, and it all converted to the form of a blog as the internet technology advanced. It went very well, I had a few readers and those readers knew how my life was turning out and even when they see me, they asked if I was ok, despite the fact that I rarely left my room in college. Well, that was the contradicting factor that led to the disposal of my blog site. I wanted to be very private, keeping to myself, not talking to others. But I was talking to the world by writing in my blog and expressing all there is to express. The irony somehow led to my depression and at times I felt confused and enraged at all the sympathy I was getting. I didn't want sympathy for others. I was feeling the masochism in me of wanting others to hurt me, when all they offered was love and care.
The life changes that I have had to face were getting overwhelming for me that I constantly broke down and cried. Of course through the hard times there are a few faces that I remember..or more like voices. I was alone and all the people that I loved and cared to have around me were far away, but none the less, were there for me. Voices that said, why oh why would you do that to yourself, telling the whole world how stupid you are, sharing how weak your heart is. No one should know that, only those who care and those who love you will appreciate you, and stand by you through the thick and thin, no matter how bad the situation can get. Those are the only people that should be hearing all the anguish, depression and sadness that you are going through. He was right, he was right. I knew deep in my heart that these words were true. Why should I talk about my pain and suffering, I should be talking of my trophies and achievements!
See that was the intention of this entry originally. Somehow, through the triumphs of my life, I find it hard to sit and type. I was always too busy to cherish the moment. Until the time comes again, for me to reach the bottom of the wheel of life. At the bottom, that I start to feel resentment, for not cherishing those triumphants of my life. That I start to regret not holding on tight enough. Through those times, that feeling sorry for myself leads me to sit down and publish my fears and weakness...my vunerability....
So what lead me to do this entry? Its the start of gratefulness that I feel for how complete my life is. Its the realisation on how resentment shouldn't be the only channel for me to share my creativity. It's there, but it would be such a waste to not to share it with the world. I'm slowly getting there. Pretty soon, I'll be where I am meant to be, minus the depression and vunerability. As for the 'other' life problems? Well, it's not MY life. I'm used to it. NO SWEAT :)
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Mental Block
why is it that i cannot write anymore?
why is it that i cannot read anymore?
why is it that i am spending too much time watching TV?surfing? or even reading pointless mails.. shopping!! i am not spending valuable time anymore but i am wasting time in the name of 'releasing stress' when i know for a fact that all of these items are adding on to my stress in the long run. TV = wasted time=unable to complete chores. net = wasted time + added anxiety finding things out knowing how obsessive i can become.shopping = depleting income = less revenue = double the stress.
my thoughts are no longer on free flow. is it the job? or responsibility or are these 'hobbies' consuming most of my time and energy that my brain capacity is depleting?
need to increase brain capacity as my job demands for my brain capacity to be larger.
why is it that i cannot read anymore?
why is it that i am spending too much time watching TV?surfing? or even reading pointless mails.. shopping!! i am not spending valuable time anymore but i am wasting time in the name of 'releasing stress' when i know for a fact that all of these items are adding on to my stress in the long run. TV = wasted time=unable to complete chores. net = wasted time + added anxiety finding things out knowing how obsessive i can become.shopping = depleting income = less revenue = double the stress.
my thoughts are no longer on free flow. is it the job? or responsibility or are these 'hobbies' consuming most of my time and energy that my brain capacity is depleting?
need to increase brain capacity as my job demands for my brain capacity to be larger.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Itchy finger
My fingers are itching to type...but my brain is not flowing words....what happened to me? I'm having a block. Please do come back words! Used to write beautifully...words used to flow like rapids going downstream. I could go on for hours non-stop and words just came and put themselves together beautifully.
Now, seriously, 3 sentences, then I'm out. -.-
Like now~
Argghhh
Now, seriously, 3 sentences, then I'm out. -.-
Like now~
Argghhh
Friday, March 13, 2009
I'm Back~
It has been AWHILE~
reading my previous blogs, gosh I was going through a crisis! I used to write wonderful blogs, until I became enraged somehow. But these times are the best times to actually express yourself. I used to have followers, now, I am not sharing my blog, just yet. Not until I can write properly again. I'm trying. It should be good to be able to vent out again. I don't mean to make it public, but it's great to be able to access it anywhere. As a friend once said, what is the point of airing your laundry in public, in the form of a blog! So, there are ways to do this blogging, without airing your dirty laundry. And I am going to start doing it. PLUS I can improve my written English. Just as well coz I became the President of Language Club in my company (I feel like a school kid).
Let's see how it goes. Just the beginning. Time to analyse and rejuvenate. (and practice my spelling).
reading my previous blogs, gosh I was going through a crisis! I used to write wonderful blogs, until I became enraged somehow. But these times are the best times to actually express yourself. I used to have followers, now, I am not sharing my blog, just yet. Not until I can write properly again. I'm trying. It should be good to be able to vent out again. I don't mean to make it public, but it's great to be able to access it anywhere. As a friend once said, what is the point of airing your laundry in public, in the form of a blog! So, there are ways to do this blogging, without airing your dirty laundry. And I am going to start doing it. PLUS I can improve my written English. Just as well coz I became the President of Language Club in my company (I feel like a school kid).
Let's see how it goes. Just the beginning. Time to analyse and rejuvenate. (and practice my spelling).
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