Two two new jobs, two new homes, new car (well not so new), a degree and a fiance'....I gained it all in the space of a few months. 2008 will be the year that is remembered throughout my life, what more can I ask for.
See, I started this entry last year, in the attempts to restart my writing hobby. I used to write in my diary when I was younger, and it all converted to the form of a blog as the internet technology advanced. It went very well, I had a few readers and those readers knew how my life was turning out and even when they see me, they asked if I was ok, despite the fact that I rarely left my room in college. Well, that was the contradicting factor that led to the disposal of my blog site. I wanted to be very private, keeping to myself, not talking to others. But I was talking to the world by writing in my blog and expressing all there is to express. The irony somehow led to my depression and at times I felt confused and enraged at all the sympathy I was getting. I didn't want sympathy for others. I was feeling the masochism in me of wanting others to hurt me, when all they offered was love and care.
The life changes that I have had to face were getting overwhelming for me that I constantly broke down and cried. Of course through the hard times there are a few faces that I remember..or more like voices. I was alone and all the people that I loved and cared to have around me were far away, but none the less, were there for me. Voices that said, why oh why would you do that to yourself, telling the whole world how stupid you are, sharing how weak your heart is. No one should know that, only those who care and those who love you will appreciate you, and stand by you through the thick and thin, no matter how bad the situation can get. Those are the only people that should be hearing all the anguish, depression and sadness that you are going through. He was right, he was right. I knew deep in my heart that these words were true. Why should I talk about my pain and suffering, I should be talking of my trophies and achievements!
See that was the intention of this entry originally. Somehow, through the triumphs of my life, I find it hard to sit and type. I was always too busy to cherish the moment. Until the time comes again, for me to reach the bottom of the wheel of life. At the bottom, that I start to feel resentment, for not cherishing those triumphants of my life. That I start to regret not holding on tight enough. Through those times, that feeling sorry for myself leads me to sit down and publish my fears and weakness...my vunerability....
So what lead me to do this entry? Its the start of gratefulness that I feel for how complete my life is. Its the realisation on how resentment shouldn't be the only channel for me to share my creativity. It's there, but it would be such a waste to not to share it with the world. I'm slowly getting there. Pretty soon, I'll be where I am meant to be, minus the depression and vunerability. As for the 'other' life problems? Well, it's not MY life. I'm used to it. NO SWEAT :)
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