The Loner's Manifesto

We do not require company. The opposite: in varying degrees, it bores us, drains us, makes our eyes glaze over. Overcomes us like a steamroller. Of course the rest of the world doesn't understand.

Someone says to you, "Let's have lunch." You clench. Your sinews leap within you, angling for escape. What others thrive on, what they take for granted, the contact and confraternity and sharing that gives them strength leaves us empty. After what others would call a fun day out together, we feel as if we have been at the Red Cross, donating blood.

Excerpt from Party of One: The Loner's Manifesto by Annelli Rufus

No facebook-No TV

Why? Because 60% of my free time consists of these two. The other 40% would probably be going out, or extra sleep. 60% of my FREE TIME. Free time is defined by time spent doing other than working, sleeping, travelling and being in the bathroom. Plus, I am getting obsessed with facebook. AND the TV. Okay, TV, since I pay for it, I can watch it, but I need limitation on the hours. Tonight, a NO. TV only on weekends and Desperate Housewives night. How long do I keep this up? Maybe a month. I want to have time to rest and to explore things I have been intending to explore. If I spend too much time on these time consuming activities, I am going to miss out on life! So here's a start..

NO FACEBOOK

NO TV

as a start...for TONIGHT..

then I will play it day by day.....

I don't have 'my girls'!

I want to put in this entry before I sleep tonight. But it's a wee bit too private to publish as it poses one of my insecurities. Then again, I don't want to waste a long piece of writing ;)

See my whole life, I have been secluding myself from the world for a reason unknown even to myself. There is a possibility that if I talk to a psychiatrist he would know why I do such things. As I would recall growing up, I didn't always used to be so. Going as far back as I can remember, I was in Primary 1 and 2, I had this girl who forced me to be her bff. If I didn't do exactly as she told me too, I would get some kind of a beating from her. And somehow, I remember her name till this day. In short, I was bullied. It carried on for 2 years till Primary 2. One day, I stood up against her that one time that she scratch me all over my face and head. I fought back that time and I remember her not bullying me again and even changed school! I honestly don't remember why she changed school.

My memory can zoom forward to a place and time that I became this bitchy girl in primary school. That must have been primary 4 or 5. I don't know how or why I have managed to establish a gang of girls and managed to create a so-called opposing gang that we would have a fight with [not physically of course]. I remember creating a 'hate' short story that I wrote about the other girls from the other possey. This somehow got out and got in the hands of my teacher and then I was called to the disciplinary teacher's room and was punished? I can't remember how, but I do remember that the disciplinary teacher was hot *batter eyelashes*. I was in primary school, and yet I was already feeling attracted to the teacher!

Well, my life took a turn in that same year. I moved overseas. There I had to start life again. I know I was young, but it has made a dent in my memory on how 'weird' the people there perceived me, and how I was..once again..bullied. The girl who befriended me, just wanted to lash out on her supposedly bff, saying that she has a new bff. [owh well, I dated her elder brother years later...so I couldn't care less ahah]. Somehow or rather, I managed to snap out of the ugly awkward duckling phase. I got real friends [or ONE true friend]. Then came secondary school.

Year 8 and 9. I don't why the memory is so vague for me, but I do remember being very secretive of my personal life. I had lunch with people from different classes, and hung out with different people outside. I never really had a 'posey' as you would call it [except for the primary school incident]. Then came this phase of my life that I was a 'bad' girl and hung out with 'the greebos'. People with hooded jackets and walk with their heads down. How I ended friends with them, I'm still wondering. I think I remember, I just casually talked to this stranger while walking to school because I was curious about something [or someone]. Which leads me to think, am I friendly, or am I just forward? I discovered a whole other life then, and there was an incident that some parts of my life was leaked around school. That was the first time that people started to know what I was about. Not to mention, I did make good impressions with my teachers then.

My life took another turn at this point. Back to Malaysia. Yet another awkward phase of my life. People are more friendly I guess and I made a different set of friends in no time, although I was very quiet..I think. See the problem with me is, I can't maintain to be in-touch with people once they are far away from me. It's sad really. With this group of friends, I had a long running friendship, relationship and activities. Even so, I kept myself away most of the time and only became close after school was over! It lasted so long, but lately, when we all started working and getting married, somehow it just started to drift...or I started to drift..

Came university days. Again, I attracted different sets of people, but what intrigue me most was, I had one or two very good friends, and that was that. And I led a totally different life from them. I wanted them to have other friends too. [Hey, writing this has rooted my problem]. I don't know what it was that made me that way. Part of the reason is probably because, I went to that Uni alone..I didn't know anyone. But with that being said, I went to primary school, & secondary school alone too. I was fine then. A few years down the line, still the same ol' same ol'. Internship..even then I didn't make great friends! Final year, and then first job.

First job. I made great friends then. But they were not girlies! Yet again another set of guy friends. Did alot of things together. That was fun. And yet, life took another turn within the same year. I changed jobs and moved states altogether. I didn't expect anything. And guess what.....nothing happened! Yes, I met great work colleagues and all, but...........knowing myself, I need to be an outsider. I need to find friends outside the circle.

Well, this entry has the purpose of putting my mind as ease when I am thinking, I do not have 'girlies' nor a posey, which makes it hard for me to do a hen night etc. I have many many different sets of friends, many of which are guys and heck, most of my other girlies are married..Sigh...how did my life end-up this way?

"Speechless"

Your love is magical, that's how I feel
But I have not the words here to explain
Gone is the grace for expressions of passion
But there are worlds and worlds of ways to explain
To tell you how I feel

But I am speechless, speechless
That's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away and nothing is for real
When I'm with you I am lost for words, I don't know what to say
My head's spinning like a carousel, so silently I pray

Helpless and hopeless, that's how I feel inside
Nothing's real, but all is possible if God is on my side
When I'm with you I am in the light where I cannot be found
It's as though I am standing in the place called Hallowed Ground

Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away and nothing is for real
I'll go anywhere and do anything just to touch your face
There's no mountain high I cannot climb
I'm humbled in your grace

Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am lost for words and nothing is for real

Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away, and nothing is for real

Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am lost for words and nothing is for real

Speechless
Your love is magical, that's how I feel
But in your presence I am lost for words
Words like, "I love you."

Star-struck!

Star-struck

Adjective Fascinated or greatly impressed by famous people, especially those connected with cinema or theatre

I got the idea for the title from a friend of mine who wrote about another star. I wanted to write this blog to let go of the death of my star.

Back when I was living in the UK, I had this obsession with a star. I would listen to his songs day and night, write out all the lyrics of his songs in my little notebook, and buy all his magazines, so I can paste his posters on the wall. True enough, I remember one side of my wall was posted ceiling to floor (or where my bed starts) with his posters, from all his concerts, or just photo shoots. I did a drawing of his face and worked very hard at it. It really did look like him. My mother didn’t mind, because I am guessing that she too was a fanJ. It came to a point that my siblings too loved listening to his songs; I played it enough for them to love him. I remember feeling gutted because he went to Malaysia in 1997….while I was in the UK! Nevertheless, I reserved myself till maybe I will be able to afford to see him.

And then came a point of my life that everything changed. I was at another part of the world and life was hard to adjust to. Of course I had to grow out of the obsession. I have never been obsessed with any other star, as was I obsessed with him. Of course, there were other stars that I was just star-struck with. But usually, I couldn’t care less of their personal lives. They reserve that right for themselves. It applies to my star, but he was the only one that I cared to find out where he was born, grew up, who were his wives, and who were his children.

And then came the day that he died. I was at my mother’s house. I remember while I was half asleep, when my siblings were hustling about wanting to switch on the TV, is it true? Is it true? He died! I was thinking, it had to come, everyone dies! But then when my mother was telling me, “Nira, he has died, your dearest has died! [Kesayangan mu sudah mati]”, it struck me. Somehow I felt a block in my heart. What is this I am feeling? I needed to know what happened. I was waiting for the news all day long. I was quiet no matter what my mother was saying. “ Nda kau menangis, Munira? Kau kan nda berenti dulu dengar lagu nya”. My sister was saying, “ I think I started to like to listen to him because of Munira.” “Yeah, me too!” my brother added. Everyone was talking about him all day long. “Mana nda, kalau kamu dalam perut lagi Umi sudah hari-hari dengar lagu nya tu dulu!”. Well, that’s probably why. I was serenaded with his songs even before I understood what it was.

The day passed. As I was driving home with my siblings late that night, I confessed to my sister, “You know, in fact I am devastated by his death. But I can’t cry because of what Umi has been saying all day long, that I loved him. I didn’t want to seem lame by crying”. “Well, you won’t be lame if you cry now,” she replied. I am thinking, no, I can’t still. But I kept my emotions buried as the week passed. I wouldn’t stop listening to his songs. Then came one night that I burst out crying. I called my fiancé’ about it. Of course he didn’t know what to do with me. He found it weird but of course, being a dear he didn’t say that. It was me that said, you must find this weird…and he said yes! Hahah...but I understood. I found it weird too. As I mentioned before, usually, when I like a star, I couldn’t care less for the personal life. But with him, I don’t know…I am...what you may say…STAR STRUCK