I want to put in this entry before I sleep tonight. But it's a wee bit too private to publish as it poses one of my insecurities. Then again, I don't want to waste a long piece of writing ;)
See my whole life, I have been secluding myself from the world for a reason unknown even to myself. There is a possibility that if I talk to a psychiatrist he would know why I do such things. As I would recall growing up, I didn't always used to be so. Going as far back as I can remember, I was in Primary 1 and 2, I had this girl who forced me to be her bff. If I didn't do exactly as she told me too, I would get some kind of a beating from her. And somehow, I remember her name till this day. In short, I was bullied. It carried on for 2 years till Primary 2. One day, I stood up against her that one time that she scratch me all over my face and head. I fought back that time and I remember her not bullying me again and even changed school! I honestly don't remember why she changed school.
My memory can zoom forward to a place and time that I became this bitchy girl in primary school. That must have been primary 4 or 5. I don't know how or why I have managed to establish a gang of girls and managed to create a so-called opposing gang that we would have a fight with [not physically of course]. I remember creating a 'hate' short story that I wrote about the other girls from the other possey. This somehow got out and got in the hands of my teacher and then I was called to the disciplinary teacher's room and was punished? I can't remember how, but I do remember that the disciplinary teacher was hot *batter eyelashes*. I was in primary school, and yet I was already feeling attracted to the teacher!
Well, my life took a turn in that same year. I moved overseas. There I had to start life again. I know I was young, but it has made a dent in my memory on how 'weird' the people there perceived me, and how I was..once again..bullied. The girl who befriended me, just wanted to lash out on her supposedly bff, saying that she has a new bff. [owh well, I dated her elder brother years later...so I couldn't care less ahah]. Somehow or rather, I managed to snap out of the ugly awkward duckling phase. I got real friends [or ONE true friend]. Then came secondary school.
Year 8 and 9. I don't why the memory is so vague for me, but I do remember being very secretive of my personal life. I had lunch with people from different classes, and hung out with different people outside. I never really had a 'posey' as you would call it [except for the primary school incident]. Then came this phase of my life that I was a 'bad' girl and hung out with 'the greebos'. People with hooded jackets and walk with their heads down. How I ended friends with them, I'm still wondering. I think I remember, I just casually talked to this stranger while walking to school because I was curious about something [or someone]. Which leads me to think, am I friendly, or am I just forward? I discovered a whole other life then, and there was an incident that some parts of my life was leaked around school. That was the first time that people started to know what I was about. Not to mention, I did make good impressions with my teachers then.
My life took another turn at this point. Back to Malaysia. Yet another awkward phase of my life. People are more friendly I guess and I made a different set of friends in no time, although I was very quiet..I think. See the problem with me is, I can't maintain to be in-touch with people once they are far away from me. It's sad really. With this group of friends, I had a long running friendship, relationship and activities. Even so, I kept myself away most of the time and only became close after school was over! It lasted so long, but lately, when we all started working and getting married, somehow it just started to drift...or I started to drift..
Came university days. Again, I attracted different sets of people, but what intrigue me most was, I had one or two very good friends, and that was that. And I led a totally different life from them. I wanted them to have other friends too. [Hey, writing this has rooted my problem]. I don't know what it was that made me that way. Part of the reason is probably because, I went to that Uni alone..I didn't know anyone. But with that being said, I went to primary school, & secondary school alone too. I was fine then. A few years down the line, still the same ol' same ol'. Internship..even then I didn't make great friends! Final year, and then first job.
First job. I made great friends then. But they were not girlies! Yet again another set of guy friends. Did alot of things together. That was fun. And yet, life took another turn within the same year. I changed jobs and moved states altogether. I didn't expect anything. And guess what.....nothing happened! Yes, I met great work colleagues and all, but...........knowing myself, I need to be an outsider. I need to find friends outside the circle.
Well, this entry has the purpose of putting my mind as ease when I am thinking, I do not have 'girlies' nor a posey, which makes it hard for me to do a hen night etc. I have many many different sets of friends, many of which are guys and heck, most of my other girlies are married..Sigh...how did my life end-up this way?
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