Labour Fears

I google about alot of things. Not just facts and information. Sometimes when I am going through something I google on how to cope with certain things so I can find forums and articles on how to manage such experiences. Here's the thing. I am facing tremendous fear and phobias on going into labour and giving birth. I tried to google it but the articles I found didn't seem to help. Its telling me everything I already know by reading my pregnancy book over and over again. Plus I subscribe to an online pregnancy club thingy which gives me great articles on everything there is to know about pregnancy and having a baby. I can say I am pretty well informed. I am also surrounded by recent mothers as well as very experienced mothers. All will tell me, it's normal to fear it but the fear will go away once labour starts and you'll just want it over and done with. Here's the thing with me.

Number one. I have (had) a fear of doctors, clinics, hospitals, needles, tubes, blood, and anything that can pierce through my skin. Hence my choice of career which has nothing to do with biology. I had an episode of prolapsed disc but thank God no needles or piercing through my skin was necessary. Only the giant MRI machine which involved me going through a giant hole and it is very loud. THANK GOD they only had to scan my lower back, thus my head came out the other end, phew! Over the years I have avoided going to clinics and getting the needle, as I really, really hate doctors and needles. Then I became pregnant. Seeing the doctor every month and then it became more frequent towards the end. OK. That was not so bad. I had company every time, BUT! I had to pee in a cup, got needles, blood checked etc. Ultrasound was not so bad. I guess this soothed my fear of anything medicine. Now comes the time where I will be having a BABY out of my below OMG! Some people asked me why I did not opt for a c-sect considering I have placenta previa (partial). Depsite the doc recommending I have quite a high chance of success with normal birth, I am really afraid to go under the knife. I mean, c'mon, the lights, the aprons, gloves, knife to cut me open. The PREP! Needles again, tubes, EVERYWHERE. Its like being in one of the SAW movie (only comparing to the fear I have). OK, do you get it now, I am a coward when it comes to this. So now, with all the pains, I don't want to be injected on my spine to relieve my pain! But what if the pain is too much? And then the thought of episotomy (I can't spell it)?

Number two. My body is going to change. Of course it has changed, but I don't know whether its going to back to its normal size. I can;t imagine how it will be. My skin? My flabs. Hahah. I guess it's every girl's nightmare.

Number three. My life is about to change. So many things have happened to me in my lifetime. Not to over dramatise. My father will say, your life was not that bad. Well he was not separated, first from his father, then his mother later on in life, and being forced to accept strangers into their family and have to put up with the bickering of both parents. Plus, being the eldest meant I have had to set good example to my siblings, so they won't be bitter with everything. Enough of that bitterness in the past, I am now happy. Well, I don't know if I consider myself being unhappy in the past. I don't think I was unhappy, but I was just angry alot during my childhood and teenage years. On being happy, my life was pretty exciting and I had to make some interesting choices in life. Now this choice, was pretty common (having a baby). It happens worldwide and throughout the history of mankind. It's the most common thing, but It's stupid how this is the one that managed to scare me. What sort of parent will I be? I can't do the normal things I used to do now. What if don't get accepted for the job transfer? What if I do? What nursery/daycare will I choose? What if I become a bad mother? What if my baby falls sick? You know, Back when I was 15, my mum decided to send me back to Malaysia, while she stayed in the UK. She was going to put me up with my uncle and his family. She was not in good terms with my father and I hadn't seen him in years. I didn't remember what kind of person he was. And I was 15 – rebellious and angry. Of course my father fought to get me. After much disagreement and 'non'-discussions, my mother finally asked me, where do you want to be? And I answered, I want to be with my own father. And that was that. I was bold and brave and faced my decision. It made me into the person I am today and of course, now everyone is in great terms J. If I were to recall, when it was time to choose my unis, I chose the ones outside of Sabah (without my parent's knowledge) as I wanted to be away and independent. I got into a uni in Sarawak. I remember being alone, and I had a single room with no roommates. I survived, but then after a month, I took another leap and was accepted into UTP in Perak. And I knew absolutely NO ONE there. I survived. For my internship, I took one that required me to rent a house, get a bus every morning and go overseas, as opposed to getting one where I could live at home and have transport. I survived. AND met my husband J. Then, I took up a job in Terengganu. I felt brave then on my first night there. I didn't cry or anything. On each and every single one of these events, I did not shed any tears on the first day. And THIS. The most common thing in the whole wide world, giving birth, I am scared sh*t that I have nightmares. Somehow, I know I will have the strength but I am still scared.

Does this entry make me feel better? I guess a little. For now. I think it'll be so much better once my mother arrives tomorrow night.