“Do you still have feelings for her?”
“Of course I do, it doesn’t just go away, just like that..”
“Then if you think that way, how can you say you don’t have feelings for me anymore..at all?”
….
“Do you know who is the person who has the greatest impact in my life? It’s not my mother or my sister, or anyone else, it’s you Munira.”
“Then do you still love me?”
Silence..
“Yes, of course I do, but I didn’t want to tell you that, because we can’t be together. I can’t be with you, there are some things about you I just can’t accept”
What is it Mr. Y? What is it that you can’t accept about me? Could you please tell me? I looked through another door, at myself, lying on the hotel bed, on the phone. Arggh, this is just too painful, I walked on in search of another door.
“But what about my birthday? How can this happen a week before my birthday?? It’s not fair…” I was in tears..I recognize this scene. At the restaurant near my apartment. It was September 15th, his dad’s birthday. The night of the official break up.
“I loved you so much, I would’ve done anything in the world for you, I really would.. I can’t handle this,” almost collapsing in the elevator.
“I know, I know..yes I know…” He hugged me so tightly that I couldn’t breathe. “I have to go now, Munira, you have to be strong and take care of yourself.”
I was in so much tears I couldn’t see properly, I walked out of the elevator. I didn’t look back. I heard the elevator close and walked quickly towards my apartment before anyone saw me. I opened the door and saw my brother in the living room. He just looked at my bummed up face and didn’t say anything. I sunk into the mini sofa that we bought for the house. Feeling more vulnerable than ever. Feeling empty and hollow, feeling so lost inside.
“I think I’ve finally let him go,” My brother was still quiet, just looking at me. More tears rolled down my eyes.
I can’t live through this episode again, I don’t want to. I remember not eating for 2days straight. Swallowing food was a big challenge, if I don’t puke it up again. I remember not being able to even enter my room as I felt as if the walls would just collide with me in between. I remember, not being able to pack my luggage for my next trip, to Thailand, I remember, going to the last resort of calling my dad, telling him what’s wrong with me, as I was in so much pain, I had to hear my dad’s voice, even if it meant he would scold me. I remember my brother sticking by my side, all weekend, even when he had his own life, but he stuck by me, because he knew I needed him then, more than ever. I am thankful to God that I have my brother by my side throughout this process. He would change his plans for me so I won’t be alone at home. I remember all this too well, as it was not even a month ago. It’s too painful.
I walked past so many doors without even taking a glance at them. I was sure those doors would still have him behind them. No, I can’t see his face again, enough! It was too painful to walk out of that elevator. That was the last I ever saw of him and I don’t want anymore nonsense about him. I need to keep walking. I walked on and on and on, until the muscles of my calves started to have the burning sensation, but I kept walking anyway. The human muscle is capable of more than this, I thought, so I will keep walking. When is this corridor ever going to end?
Tbc….
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