Whatever.... [the sad ramblings of a young confused girl] part ii

9:20 PM 10/21/2007

Kick ass job? Kick ass robot? Kick ass pointer? Kick ass life? Well don’t get too ahead of yourself there girl get to know yourself first before you can do any of that. Now you know for sure that you’re not the partying type girl, you're a hygiene conscious girl but your lazy, you're close to god but people don’t know that. That is why you can’t do horrible stuff coz you don’t want to disappoint god. You went back to your family during Raya and you felt guilty for not trying your best to impress your father and mother. How disappointed they will be. You feel the need to make them proud. you have to much influence outside of you and you have just recently discovered all these opinions you have received has caused you to be confused with yourself so now you know how to balance it out. Just know what you believe in and stick to it! Later own umi will say that you don’t have your own principals. You do girl, even amri says so. You shouldn’t be like this; you're a tough girl who believes in herself so don’t be confused anymore. You stopped smoking years ago, and now you feel you need to stop coz you r noticing that you fingers are turning yellow. For now you have a goal, dun go back to sabah, regretting that you did not do your best the last month of your studies. You’ve been studying your whole life! This is your last chance. You’re not about to fall for a guy's stupidity! enough nonsense for now girl, you've calmed down so get on with your work.

THE ULTIMATE POWER IS CONTROL OVER ONE'S OWN MIND, BODY AND SOUL.

Once you achieve that, you are able to control anyone or ANYTHING you want. coz your response is usually what limits you, but if you are able to control your response, you are able to manipulate everythg around you. god gave you this power, its up to you to use it. I know girl, you are obsessed with the superhuman concept ever since you were little, now, and you get to practice it.

Whatever.... [the sad ramblings of a young confused girl]

1:56 AM 8/13/2007

Life is to exist and to survive. There is no such thing as a worthless human being nor is there such a thing as a worthwhile human being so stop trying to be neither.. I have become this person with no purpose no goal no motivation but to just survive whatever I have to go through in this life. I have no vocabulary, no art to interest, I've become empty, become undecided, unable to talk, unable to function, couldn’t care less, unproductive...whatever...huhuh...well what do I do from here on? It really doesn’t matter, as long as the money comes rolling in every month, I'm fine with it :D

What? Ambition? What? Family? What? Love? F*** that, to hell with that... don't really care... The only thing that matters now is my existence and my survival...in the end thats all that matters...how I survive this whole race, this whole battle this whole war...the last man standing is always the winner...so don't worry, I will be the last one standing, above all. I will be the survivor, I will be the one to live to tell the tales...tales of how I became emotionless, how I became cold...how the whole thing is just another tale to amuse others...stop trying to beat others, stop trying to prove something to others...just amuse yourself...amuse yourself.. F*** moral values, f*** opinions... f*** everythg...just do what you have to do when you have to do them.. F*** emotions... just get rid of them will you...look at this world as an object, as a subject as a variation, maths problem, stop trying to achieve something impossible.. Go for whatever that’s reachable in front of you, go anywhere beyond that, your just making a circus....hahaha...words, you don’t have it anymore... you've lost it all, you've lost touch of everything.. Know why? Coz u were too aggressive...too greedy that you wanted to be good at everything wanted to grow up faster than you should...well...now you actually did it.. For god sakes, your only 23 n already sick of life...lost vitality to life....it doesn’t matter Munira...there’s a reason why god put u on this earth...one of those reasons is to survive through it all.. Feel lucky enough to have been able to see the world this way...

Owh my dear God thank you for this...the gift of life you've given me, the gift of culture you've given me. The gift of art you’ve given me, to be born in this era, in this time....thank you...my life will be an amusement to the day I die...THAT's my goal...I love you god. For giving me this gift...

My sweet sweet life.....I'm fine...I'm seriously, fine...and I'm feeling...the adreneline...of going through this motion....

My Horoscope

The Bottom Line

Keep an eye out for unusual symbols -- they'll point the way to a new beginning.

In Detail

Keep an eye out for any unusual symbols or signs today -- because they could point the way to a bright new beginning for you and a certain special someone. It's getting close to the time to move forward, but don't be in a rush to get going today -- things need to happen more slowly this time, so remember to play it cool. By making this thing stretch out, you are proving that this is important for you ... sending this type of message will set the tone for the entire adventure.

Well, I don’t believe in horoscopes or fortune telling, and according to my religion I’m not suppose to anyway. But u get horoscopes in friendster everyday, and I like to read them coz sometimes they do give good advice. Today’s horoscope somewhat means something to me. Keep an eye out for unusual symbols? I hadn’t seen any symbols today except for maybe symbols on road signs. But when I opened up my friendster account and looked up my friends, I noticed that there is one person’s profile that I never fail to look at everytime. That person can be counted as one of my close friends since secondary school and guess what, I have liked that person since I first met him. U know what, even though I liked him so much, I never thought he’d even look twice at me as the type of people he dates are just out of my range so that kinda made me stay aside and keep him as a friend regardlessly. I was always waiting for him to become single but when he finally does become single I chicken out and don’t know what to do. I had this thought of just confessing to him today just to see what he would say and how he would react but then again I had a second thought. Maybe not..maybe I shouldn’t ruin the friendship that we already have. Although I have had quite a number of boyfriends since I met him, but it never stopped me from admiring him everytime I see him or his pictures. There is just something inside of him that draws me to him and theres the sexyness of NOT being able to get him! I don’t know if this is just a stupid crush or something worth getting into. And I don’t even trust to tell anyone about it. Haha suddenly I feel like a school kid.

Hey, I know I was just heartbroken, but wadaya know, I heal fast!..nah not really, as I said earlier, the horoscope reading today meant a lot to me, and it said -- they'll point the way to a new beginning.. So my guess is, I’m just trying to move on, no harm in venturing out in something new..instead of sulking on the past. Plus I’ll never get him anyway, but miracles do happen…chill everyone k. ;)

Boulevard of broken dreams part ii

“Do you still have feelings for her?”

“Of course I do, it doesn’t just go away, just like that..”

“Then if you think that way, how can you say you don’t have feelings for me anymore..at all?”

….

“Do you know who is the person who has the greatest impact in my life? It’s not my mother or my sister, or anyone else, it’s you Munira.”

“Then do you still love me?”

Silence..

“Yes, of course I do, but I didn’t want to tell you that, because we can’t be together. I can’t be with you, there are some things about you I just can’t accept”

What is it Mr. Y? What is it that you can’t accept about me? Could you please tell me? I looked through another door, at myself, lying on the hotel bed, on the phone. Arggh, this is just too painful, I walked on in search of another door.

“But what about my birthday? How can this happen a week before my birthday?? It’s not fair…” I was in tears..I recognize this scene. At the restaurant near my apartment. It was September 15^th, his dad’s birthday. The night of the official break up.

“I loved you so much, I would’ve done anything in the world for you, I really would.. I can’t handle this,” almost collapsing in the elevator.

“I know, I know..yes I know…” He hugged me so tightly that I couldn’t breathe. “I have to go now, Munira, you have to be strong and take care of yourself.”

I was in so much tears I couldn’t see properly, I walked out of the elevator. I didn’t look back. I heard the elevator close and walked quickly towards my apartment before anyone saw me. I opened the door and saw my brother in the living room. He just looked at my bummed up face and didn’t say anything. I sunk into the mini sofa that we bought for the house. Feeling more vulnerable than ever. Feeling empty and hollow, feeling so lost inside.

“I think I’ve finally let him go,” My brother was still quiet, just looking at me. More tears rolled down my eyes.

I can’t live through this episode again, I don’t want to. I remember not eating for 2days straight. Swallowing food was a big challenge, if I don’t puke it up again. I remember not being able to even enter my room as I felt as if the walls would just collide with me in between. I remember, not being able to pack my luggage for my next trip, to Thailand, I remember, going to the last resort of calling my dad, telling him what’s wrong with me, as I was in so much pain, I had to hear my dad’s voice, even if it meant he would scold me. I remember my brother sticking by my side, all weekend, even when he had his own life, but he stuck by me, because he knew I needed him then, more than ever. I am thankful to God that I have my brother by my side throughout this process. He would change his plans for me so I won’t be alone at home. I remember all this too well, as it was not even a month ago. It’s too painful.

I walked past so many doors without even taking a glance at them. I was sure those doors would still have him behind them. No, I can’t see his face again, enough! It was too painful to walk out of that elevator. That was the last I ever saw of him and I don’t want anymore nonsense about him. I need to keep walking. I walked on and on and on, until the muscles of my calves started to have the burning sensation, but I kept walking anyway. The human muscle is capable of more than this, I thought, so I will keep walking. When is this corridor ever going to end?

Tbc….

Boulevard of Broken Dreams

The boulevard of broken dreams, I take a walk down it and I see fantasies, and dreams of those people are in tears today…I walk a few steps forward and capture a glimpse of a young lady with long black hair, in her formal work clothes, beige top, grey trousers, black pump shoes. I can only see her back tho, and I walked towards her, n touched her shoulder. She turns around in a jiff with her hair swinging to the side and looked at me… “WHAT BROKEN DREAMS DEAR?”, she was smilling…

**warning** Mr Y’s fren no need to read laa, sakit hati ja nnti…

It was me… I turned around to look at myself walking down the boulevard of broken dreams, wondering what business I have here. “You don’t belong here honey, you have so many other dreams to fulfill and even maybe living it! He was just a one off guy who took advantage of you and he was unhealthy for you”..well there you go, I didn’t need anyone else telling me that, I told myself that. I suddenly picture Carrie Bradshaw’s Mr Big in Sex in the city show, who kept bouncing in and out of Carrie’s life and how everyone thinks he’s so unhealthy for her. Well that’s me n Mr. Y. he likes to do that bouncing in and out of my life as he pleases and when I do get together with him I always end up in tears…yet here I am mourning about it thinking I have a broken dream.

“So tell me, what is that broken dream?”

I fell silent. I started to open my mouth but I held back my words. I wanted to say, to be with him for the rest of my life but then I remember the nights that I think of how I thought otherwise. Thinking is this what I really deserve for the rest of my life? Don’t get me wrong, of course Mr. Y is a good guy, I’m sure a lot of people see that [if not how would all those girls(can I say b****es?) fall for him?—including me of course]. The friendly guy, wit the sweet smile, fun to be with bla bla bla…[yea right you should see him at home, ~yawn~ , nuf said]. I needed a guy who could go with my friends, who knew how to have fun and who knew how to share, so hello~ what was my broken dream again?

I just smiled and decided not to answer that question. I took a step back to look at this girl [who was me of course] in her formal attire. I saw the look on her face. The look of courage and strength. I think to myself, how can I see that inside this girl and not feel it inside of me? She joined her training a few months back, and chose a company that was most challenging. She fell in love at the interview when her interviewer told her her job scope and how she would be traveling. A few months later, here she is standing in front of me, with a luggage full of experiences that she carried with her. Philippines, Singapore, Thailand…the typhoon, the food hunt, the military coup, she went through it all, with me, with the emotional package that I hung on her but she still carried on. There was no way she would miss the ride of her life no matter how heavy her head got.

Executive room in Singapore, with a bath tub and a separate shower room, there I sat on the bed, crying my eyes out, but when morning comes, I see this girl again, getting up, in the shower, dressed and be downstairs ready for the adventure of the day [be with all the cars, Volvo’s Toyota’s, Nissan’s, even met with a Lambo once..]. All day long, just going on, and on. Then evening came, I would pop back in once in a while, n when I do, the panic attacks would come, and in comes my brother to the rescue [God bless him he has been there for me all the time]. “Just keep breathing, and don’t close your eyes..be aware”. How can I keep my eyes open? I’m so scare with my surroundings, I don’t even know where I am, tears rolling down my face, unstoppably…Munira you are in your hotel room in Singapore, you’re doing a task for your SV and you have a target to reach…I heard that, coming from inside of me..everyone still loves you girl, it was just the one guy….n slowly, I sit up and tried, breathing..i cant breathe…I cant do it…. “Nira, say Allahuakbar, say it” i heard my brother’s voice on the phone.. Allahuakbar.. Yes, my God is still here with me, and God loves me, always… Allahuakbar, Allahuakbar..until I was breathing normally again…..

Wow, this break up really was intense. Went back in time, I see a corridor, white corridor with many doors. But all the doors are locked. It was an endless corridor and I ran through it checking every door. Locked, next one..locked, next…also locked… What do I do? I suddenly started rummaging through my pockets. I found a card. It was a swipe card, I figured this must be a key that would open the door. I tried to unlock the doors with the key, none of them worked. I came to a door with a window opening. I looked inside and saw two lit birthday cakes on a small table. One cake is smaller than the other and the bigger one is with hard chocolate topping. There were two big candles and two small candles on the cake. I look around and recognized the faces around, my dear friends, who have been so good to me. They were waiting for me to come home and surprise me.. they had ballons and banners hung up everywhere. I smiled. I tried the key..it didn’t work! Oh no, I need to be there, I want to be with them. But I can’t unlock this door.

“Surprise! Happy birthday!”

“btw he baked this cake for you”

“We missed you so much!”

“Be happy girl you deserve it”

I heard these and wondered, who are they saying them to? And then I saw, it was that girl…it was the other me…I don’t understand it, why is there another me? I sat outside the door for a while. Why can’t I go through that door, why can’t I unlock any of these doors? What am I doing in this corridor? I stood up and looked through the window again. This time, I see a different scene. I see me and one of my best friends lying down in the living room, talking… “I feel like I’m living in a parallel world, and non of my worlds can collide with each other..” what am I talking about? How I be living in a parallel world? Wait, maybe that’s the reason why I’m in this corridor stuck in between nothing, while she’s out there with the people I love..but why me? The girl stood up and came up to the door. This girl I know so well, n yet I’m wondering why I am outside of her.

“Do you know why you’re stuck there?” no, of course not..y am I stuck here? I didn’t seem to need to say that out loud, she kinda heard me.

“It’s simple Munira, you need to let him go. He’s let you go that’s why you’re in the middle of nowhere. You can’t get in here because you don’t belong here, so let him go and that magic key of yours will work on any door you wish. If it doesn’t, you’re gonna have to keep walking and walking until you find the end of the corridor. Hurry, clock’s ticking…” Then she disappears, and the room went totally pitch black..I stood still, not knowing what to do next…

To be continued…