You Lost Me

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won. Now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And oh, we tried, you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
You'll regret it but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me


Sometimes, I wonder why people post song lyrics in their blogs. Well, now I kinda understand.....Did not occur to me it could have meant something to them..

Updated: Baby Arrival Wishlist

Well now that the baby's here, thanks to some wonderful friends and family, I got some of the stuff on my wishlist! (as crossed out below)

1) Sterilizer and warmer combo set by Little Bean   Thanks my sis & mayfong, suhaimi & jeffry

2) Travel playpen mattress and pillows set (or latex mattress & pillow - it is a wishlist haha)  thanks to Juliana, my mum and my cousin

3) Cloth diapers (lots and lots of nice boyish designs) -  after seeing how much baby poops...I'm rethinking this..maybe later on when baby poops less frequently?

4) Stroller - Quinny Zapp Extra or Halford Zuzz 4 - well not these models but I bought a stroller!

5) Car seat - a bigger car seat that can be used for years - have a newborn one...thanks to my mother

6) Baby monitor thanks to Rosie

7) Diaper/changing bag that hubby can carry - still wouldn't mind this :)


8) Baby sling we got a baby carrier thing..thanks to PK


9) Any toys for newborn onwards - I got some but of course you can never get enough toys! thanks to Lotfi n Shukor


10) What to expect - the first year book ( I already bought a baby journal thing)


and of course, all the other gifts we got, were wonderful and added to my baby's collection. We purposely didnt buy a lot of clothes and other basic stuff as we knew they were coming...and we had some nice, interesting and wonderful clothes for the baby.


 :) thanks to all that visited me at the hospital and at home..Love you all!

Becoming a Mother

It's been a month of sleepless nights and healing. Or otherwise known as confinement. The ever growing concern over my child has caused me to loose sleep..voluntarily. He has been a very well behaved newborn the past weeks. Only making requesting for attention when he's hungry or wet.

*[please be warned, entry contains gory & icky details about giving birth]

The water leaking

It was another one of those insomniac experience for an almost due pregnant lady. As usual, I did not remember how or when I eventually fell asleep. I woke up in the morning with pain , that I so recognise over the years in my life. It was period pain. I knew a contraction feels like period pain. I got up and walked over to where my husband was sleeping. I told him, I felt pain. He didn't quite get up from that info. So I told him, I wanted to get up, shower and have breakfast, if I am going into labour today. I'm going to need the energy, and I couldn't bear the thought of not having time to shower or brush my teeth. So that I did. I ate my normal peanut butter and jelly sandwich, with a glass of water. Very light food. I double checked my already packed labour bags and zipped them up ready to be brought to the hospital. I woke my husband up and told him, the pain hasn't come back, but he should just get ready for work in case of false alarm. I waited and waited. No more pain. My husband was ready to go to work, but I told him, he had to wait another half hour in case I go into labour. So we sat in front of the sofa watching tv when I felt a small gush of fluid come out from the bottom, uncontrollably. Gosh, what was that? Had I peed myself? I went to the toilet. Nothing else came out. Then I changed, and sat back on the sofa. All of the sudden, another bigger gush of fluid came the same way in did before. I rushed to the toilet, thinking, this can't be good. I checked, and I had a bloody show on my panty liner. I knew it was time to go to the hospital but I hesitated. Somehow, I was not ready to give birth then. My mum was coming that night. I was looking forward to resting that day too. My husband called his mother just to double confirm my symptoms. Yup, I was leaking and in need to go to the hospital.

The Doctor's diagnosis

We went in to see the doctor first. After checking my opening, I had zero dilation but my water broke. So my doctor, Dr N gave me two options. Emergency caesarean section or induced labour. We went for emergency c-sect, as we could not predict what would happen due to my placenta previa if we were to induce labour. My water was running out fast. I was sent over to labour room and told to change. The nurse told me to take off everything underneath and change into the hospital gown. Owh, not the normal one, the surgery one, which was green. I told the nurse, urm, couldn't I keep my underwear on? I was leaking. She says, it was fine as she would put a cover on the bed. So I was told to climb on the 'labour' bed. It was quite high, given that I had a huge tummy to hold and I was leaking! I told the nurse, I couldn't get on the bed, and she said, to do it slowly. I was remembering in our prenatal classes, how they mentioned, the bottom of the bed came off when labour comes and the baby is about to come out. As I lay on the labour bed, I looked around to all the details of the labour room. The corner where the rubber gloves and supplies are, the place where the baby would be placed.. I was really trying to figure out where the bottom part of the bed would come off and where the leg hanger thing would be placed. I couldn't figure it out.

The Labour Room wait

My husband went downstairs to settle the paperwork for my checking into the hospital. After I changed, the nurse propped me up with the machine (gosh, at this point of time, I can't remember what any of these equipments were called-I memorized them before birth!). The machine that monitors my contractions and child's heartbeat. After half hour, the nurse came back and checked on the monitor. Apparently I had to be on it longer as the baby was so active that the heartbeat monitoring was not consistent. As the nurse was about to take off the monitor, she went to check on something. When she came back, she said, the doctor wanted the monitor to be on all the time, so she left it on. The monitor had some long paper on which the stats would be printed on. I asked the nurse, how's the data? She mentioned, to her it was fine, but sometimes some doctors are fussy about the data, that it had to be perfect. Well, what do I know. She asked me, whether I could feel some contractions. True, I could feel some period pain like cramps, but I didn't realise those were contractions! I was stuttering, and I asked the nurse, err I can feel cramps, are those contractions? Hahah..it was funny. My husband was back by then. I could see how panicky he looks, but he tries to stay calm. I was starting to feel my contraction pains getting worse and worse as the hours went by. By the time they wheeled me into the operation theatre observation area, the pain was more intense that I had to hold the bed to withstand the pain. But nothing above my monthly period pains! I don't know, maybe it should feel worse.

Before the surgery

Here's the thing. Remember how I had something to eat so that I would have some energy to 'push'? Well, apparently I was not going to be doing any pushing that day. It was funny how because I ate, I was not able to give birth that morning, at say immediately, as soon as I saw the doctor (around 10.30am). Instead, I had to be wheeled in at 3.30pm, as that was exactly 6 hours after I ate (I ate around 9.30am). If I wasn't in pain and wet, I would've laughed then. I did laugh a little in my head and thought, owh great, that peanut butter sandwich did me harm instead of good..My intentions were good though! Somehow, the doctors changed my time to an earlier time, at 2pm. When I was in the observation room, I saw the anasthesian. He was asking me which anaesthesia I would prefer for the surgery. He explained to me, there were two options, General Anaesthetic, or Spinal. Spinal is similar to epidural, whereas GA puts me to sleep. We had issues with both, thus I think the doc is telling me to make my own decision (but I was somewhat in pain?). The issue with spinal was the fact that I have a history of prolapsed disc. Of course the doctor asked some things that I really didn't know the answer of. It was some medical stuff about my back, and I just gave him a blank face. How I wish I brought my MRI scans then. And the thing with GA is, I ate in the morning and if I were to go in to the operation theatre at 2pm, the doc said, the time was too borderline, as it was not even 6 hours after my meal. So... in the end I just went ahead and 'OK'ed the spinal. OK. The doctor did tell me, with spinal, I would be awake. That thought scared me so I asked, err couldn't my husband go in? I mean, they would be cutting me up and feeling everything that's happening, and I'd be alone? Come on! But my O&G doc said no, since I had anterior placenta previa, there would be too much blood. Ok, maybe I shouldn't really think about it too much. And as I was finally wheeled into the OT leaving my husband behind, I did what I do everytime I come face to face with a nerve wrecking experience, such as talking or performing on stage. My head goes blank, and my eyes just observe. It's a miracle how my head can go blank when it mattered. My head NEVER goes blank, even when I go to sleep. I have had experience where I understood an engineering equation by falling asleep while studying! [back in uni days of course]

The Surgery

Mind and thoughts blank. Eyes observe. Which meant, no opinions, no thoughts. Well maybe a little. I thought, the nurse/intern doc (I don't know, he wore a blue outfit) was super cute [sorry hubby..just my thoughts]. And the thing is, he got to see more that what my husband would ever see (he saw my internals too). I was wheeled into the OT by two guys, one of them was the cute one. As I arrived in the room, there were more men. I thought, where are all the ladies? No one wants to work in an OT? Well, they stopped my bed next to the operation table, which was quite thin and it was black. They told me to move to the table by myself. I had trouble moving as I had the tube in my urinary (owh, I forgot to tell the story of inserting the urine tube..pain!!). The guys helped me and told me to lie down. See this is the part I have trouble remembering. Too many things were happening all at once, and then they injected me with a tranquilizer. The anaesthecian, Dr T came in abit later and started to brief me about everything that's happening, starting with the tranquilizer. As soon as that kicked in, it was just all hazy to me. I do remember, them telling me to sit up, which was quite hard, as the table was tilted abit (head lower than feet). I also told the men, I needed help as my head was heavy, so one of the guys held both of my shoulders to keep me up. I barely remember how Dr T told me that they were going to inject my spine. To be honest, either I don't remember, or I just didn't feel anything when they injected my spine. At that point of time, I saw LIMBO.. If you have seen the movie INCEPTION, that's what I felt. I was in limbo. I saw, my world was turning into black and white blocks which eventually transformed itself into some stairs. Some people were running up the stairs and I was shouting at these people, but somehow I could not reach them. Of course everything was slurred and I was only a small percentage aware of what was happening. And then I heard Dr T's voice. Only then I realise I was lying down again and saw the round lights, in the OT. I thought, OMG, I am being cut open. I heard Dr T's voice, continuously briefing me and bringing me back into consciousness. He said, if you feel anything just let me know. Right then, I thought I was going to puke. I wanted to tell Dr T but the message from my brain to my mouth went ever so slowly. Eventually I was able to slur the words, "I ...fffeel sssick". Then I heard Dr T said, they'll give me something for that. I wanted to listen in to what the doctors were saying, in case there were any complications. I heard Dr N's voice and some other woman's voice. I could be mistaken, but to this day, I did not know who that other woman Dr N was talking to. All I heard clearly during the operation (apart from Dr T's briefing) was artery this artery that. Just the word artery.

The Baby

Dr T said, "ok, now the baby's coming out, so they are going to push hard on your stomach, you will feel some pushes and tugs but you won't feel pain". Yup, there was a massive push and tug. Whoosh & thud! And then, there it was....Uweeekkk!!! My baby's cry! I heard it! My head was very heavy and I was very slow, but I heard my baby's cry and I looked around, where was the baby? Dr T said, your baby's out, they're just cleaning him. I remembered, the baby's table was to my right and so I turned. There he was, all wet, slimy and bloody. His head was turned towards me and he was no longer crying. The nurses were cleaning him. His eyes were open and his mouth was pouting for some reason. Of course he looked somewhat blue and he has a lot of hair! His hands were up to his chin. I was thinking, is my baby confirmed a boy? As soon as the nurses were done cleaning him a bit and lifted him up, he cried again, loudly! The nurse came.

"Puan Munira, congratulations, you have a baby boy!" She showed me his thing. Hahah, to think that was the first thing she showed me. "Ok, come kiss the baby" and so I kissed the baby, twice. He smelled sweet. And wet. The nurse also showed me the baby's tag, and that they're the same as mine, just to prove that it was indeed my baby. The nurse took my baby away and I suddenly thought..my husband! I tried to talk. I said, my husband, my husband, where is my husband? Dr T told me not to worry as they will bring my baby to see my husband.

After the surgery

After that, was them closing me up and cleaning me. I saw Dr N briefly, talking to me. She said, "OK Munira, everything went fine, they're just cleaning you up, but I'm sure you won't feel a thing". I was not able to move my bottom part at all, even though I was conscious. So they did everything for me. They moved me to the bed, and wheeled my bed to the observation area. I don't know how long I was there, but I just kept drifting to sleep. Dr T and Dr N saw me and talked to me. Dr N mentioned, I would not be able to see the baby until about 4 hours after. I just took the information in, but was not able to respond normally. I started to feel really cold and started shivering a little. Later when they wheeled me into my ward, I was shivering even more and my brother mentioned, I was scratching ALOT. I just found out, those were side effects of the spinal anaesthesia. Shivering and itchiness. Boy, it was really itchy! Nevertheless, I was glad it was over and both of me and my baby was safe and sound.

The pain

Well, the same day as the operation, of course I did not feel anything as I was still under anaesthesia. Dr N told me, I would start to feel throbbing pain once the anaesthesia wears off, which would be later that night. She told me what my painkiller options were but to withstand the pain as much as I could. Thank God, I did not need extra painkillers. And in terms of pain management, I was glad, my mother was there guide me. She told me everything there was to know about c-sect after pain, and what to expect.

I was expected to get down from my bed the next day. See, I remember my sister asked me, was it the worse pain you've ever felt in your life, worse than that incident when you back 'snapped'? and I answered, nope, that was not the worse pain, my back incident was more painfull. I guess this is what you call pain management. When I took my first step off the bed, it did feel like the bottom half of my body fell off or something and my tears were about to drop. But I pushed myself with each step to go to the toilet. Yes, it was pretty horrendous. But it was not the worse pain I ever felt. It kinda felt stinging as opposed to just pure pain. It didn't help that when I went to the toilet to pee, I had to pee in a bowl thing and I had lots of blood to manage. ALOT of blood. I am glad I read my pregnancy and labour book thoroughly as everything I saw was not a surprise. The pain was still there for a week, but with each day and more movement, the pain subsided. By day 7, I was able to walk normally. By day 14, I could've sworn I didn't feel the pain at all. It was just the odd occasion of stinging sensation, not at the outside wound, but on the inside. They did have to cut through alot to get the baby out, I guess. Now, at day 29, I've forgotten what the pain felt like, except f course, that first step off the bed, and I am just looking after my wound.

The fear?

So in the end, what did I learn? Was all my pre-labour fears irrational? To be honest, I was scared at ALL the things that I mentioned before as they happened. But my head just went blank, and it felt like I was floating above the scene and just observed what happened. For one, they injected one large needle on my left wrist while I was in labour room. OMG, I felt like I was about to pass out when I saw the needle. I just looked away, and hey, they didn't feel so bad. But I had to ask the nurse, can I move my wrist? [since you put a giant ass metal inside it] and she said, of course no problem. And then there was the urine tube. Arrgghhh! Never Again! The nurse gave me the option of inserting the tube there and then, or in the OT after they gave me anaesthesia. Of course I chose the latter. But then Dr N came and when the nurse told her about it, Dr N said, owh no. Just do it down here, It's a momentary pain. I thought ok then here goes! And NO, my head did not go blank. It went ballistic and it was so PAINFUL! NEVER AGAIN! I was almost in tears SOB SOB.

My body changing? I am still living it now. I look in the mirror, I don't remember what my tummy used to look like. But I do know, it looks horrible now L. I've seen the pictures other mothers posted on BabyCentre of their post birth tummy, non looked as bad as mine. Mine is the worse case scenario for stretchmarks! I didn't think I could develop stretchmarks so close to my due date. They only appeared in 8^th – 9^th month of pregnancy!

My life changing? Of course it has. For now it still feels great. I haven't started work yet so I don't know how much it will change. As of now..despite the pain I felt, the stretchmarks and sleepless nights... being a mother rocks! J

My Baby Arrival Wishlist

Would it be wrong to have a baby wishlist? I saw this post once from an acquaintance. She put a wedding wishlist, or rather the opposite of the wishlist. Things she does not need as a wedding gift. See in the US, weddings gifts are more organised where they get to register at a store and register what gifts they would like and guests can get gifts that they registered. I was saying to dear hubby, why couldn't we do the same? He says, coz it'll be too rude, considering our culture here in the east. It's the same as when my family moved to the UK, we had to get used to the culture of opening the present in front of the person who gave the present to see their expression. But here in Malaysia, we give the gift, and they open at their own time to save from 'embarrassment'. I guess that's what hubby meant when he said it'll be too rude.


Well moving along, I'll just take the risk of writing up a wishlist anyhow. My sister said this to me, what are the things you 'want' but don't need? Coz the things you need you'll eventually get, but the things you want but don't need, it'll be a great gift.

Here goes, some of the things we still don't have:

1) Sterilizer and warmer combo set by Little Bean

2) Travel playpen mattress and pillows set (or latex mattress & pillow - it is a wishlist haha)

3) Cloth diapers (lots and lots of nice boyish designs)

4) Stroller - Quinny Zapp Extra or Halford Zuzz 4

5) Car seat - a bigger car seat that can be used for years

6) Baby monitor

7) Diaper/changing bag that hubby can carry

8) Baby sling

9) Any toys for newborn onwards

10) What to expect - the first year book ( I already bought a baby journal thing)


Well, I can't think of anymore *wishlist* items. People have asked, what we don't already have so the above list stands for now, as we don't plan to buy it anytime soon (maybe after baby is one month old?).


Can't wait :)

Labour Fears

I google about alot of things. Not just facts and information. Sometimes when I am going through something I google on how to cope with certain things so I can find forums and articles on how to manage such experiences. Here's the thing. I am facing tremendous fear and phobias on going into labour and giving birth. I tried to google it but the articles I found didn't seem to help. Its telling me everything I already know by reading my pregnancy book over and over again. Plus I subscribe to an online pregnancy club thingy which gives me great articles on everything there is to know about pregnancy and having a baby. I can say I am pretty well informed. I am also surrounded by recent mothers as well as very experienced mothers. All will tell me, it's normal to fear it but the fear will go away once labour starts and you'll just want it over and done with. Here's the thing with me.

Number one. I have (had) a fear of doctors, clinics, hospitals, needles, tubes, blood, and anything that can pierce through my skin. Hence my choice of career which has nothing to do with biology. I had an episode of prolapsed disc but thank God no needles or piercing through my skin was necessary. Only the giant MRI machine which involved me going through a giant hole and it is very loud. THANK GOD they only had to scan my lower back, thus my head came out the other end, phew! Over the years I have avoided going to clinics and getting the needle, as I really, really hate doctors and needles. Then I became pregnant. Seeing the doctor every month and then it became more frequent towards the end. OK. That was not so bad. I had company every time, BUT! I had to pee in a cup, got needles, blood checked etc. Ultrasound was not so bad. I guess this soothed my fear of anything medicine. Now comes the time where I will be having a BABY out of my below OMG! Some people asked me why I did not opt for a c-sect considering I have placenta previa (partial). Depsite the doc recommending I have quite a high chance of success with normal birth, I am really afraid to go under the knife. I mean, c'mon, the lights, the aprons, gloves, knife to cut me open. The PREP! Needles again, tubes, EVERYWHERE. Its like being in one of the SAW movie (only comparing to the fear I have). OK, do you get it now, I am a coward when it comes to this. So now, with all the pains, I don't want to be injected on my spine to relieve my pain! But what if the pain is too much? And then the thought of episotomy (I can't spell it)?

Number two. My body is going to change. Of course it has changed, but I don't know whether its going to back to its normal size. I can;t imagine how it will be. My skin? My flabs. Hahah. I guess it's every girl's nightmare.

Number three. My life is about to change. So many things have happened to me in my lifetime. Not to over dramatise. My father will say, your life was not that bad. Well he was not separated, first from his father, then his mother later on in life, and being forced to accept strangers into their family and have to put up with the bickering of both parents. Plus, being the eldest meant I have had to set good example to my siblings, so they won't be bitter with everything. Enough of that bitterness in the past, I am now happy. Well, I don't know if I consider myself being unhappy in the past. I don't think I was unhappy, but I was just angry alot during my childhood and teenage years. On being happy, my life was pretty exciting and I had to make some interesting choices in life. Now this choice, was pretty common (having a baby). It happens worldwide and throughout the history of mankind. It's the most common thing, but It's stupid how this is the one that managed to scare me. What sort of parent will I be? I can't do the normal things I used to do now. What if don't get accepted for the job transfer? What if I do? What nursery/daycare will I choose? What if I become a bad mother? What if my baby falls sick? You know, Back when I was 15, my mum decided to send me back to Malaysia, while she stayed in the UK. She was going to put me up with my uncle and his family. She was not in good terms with my father and I hadn't seen him in years. I didn't remember what kind of person he was. And I was 15 – rebellious and angry. Of course my father fought to get me. After much disagreement and 'non'-discussions, my mother finally asked me, where do you want to be? And I answered, I want to be with my own father. And that was that. I was bold and brave and faced my decision. It made me into the person I am today and of course, now everyone is in great terms J. If I were to recall, when it was time to choose my unis, I chose the ones outside of Sabah (without my parent's knowledge) as I wanted to be away and independent. I got into a uni in Sarawak. I remember being alone, and I had a single room with no roommates. I survived, but then after a month, I took another leap and was accepted into UTP in Perak. And I knew absolutely NO ONE there. I survived. For my internship, I took one that required me to rent a house, get a bus every morning and go overseas, as opposed to getting one where I could live at home and have transport. I survived. AND met my husband J. Then, I took up a job in Terengganu. I felt brave then on my first night there. I didn't cry or anything. On each and every single one of these events, I did not shed any tears on the first day. And THIS. The most common thing in the whole wide world, giving birth, I am scared sh*t that I have nightmares. Somehow, I know I will have the strength but I am still scared.

Does this entry make me feel better? I guess a little. For now. I think it'll be so much better once my mother arrives tomorrow night.

My PUG!

OK this is gonna be a lame entry. I have received my car quite a while ago, but just wanted to share it with the world! Although, since I am on a long break from work, I don't drive it alot these days. The first day that I received it, it was thinking, I can't believe, I finally have a Peugeot in my driveway! It's in my wishlist. I've always wanted a Peugeot, just didn't know which one. Somehow, some people question my decision with this car, but heck I don't really care, I love it nevertheless J. Now, just waiting for my parents to come and of course the baby's going home trip. Well here's a preview.

Roller coaster adrenaline rush

I wish whatever goes through my head in the middle of the night (or throughout the night) could be recorded and saved in the form of a blog. These days, I have great ideas to blog but I never get around to actually sitting down and typing it. I have read in articles and books that the final weeks of the pregnancy will be the longest of the whole pregnancy. Somehow I only half believed what was written, as before I reached 36 weeks, my days were going alot faster in comparison with the when I first started bedrest. How wrong I was and how true the articles were. When my doctor's appointment for 36 weeks came, I was excited to hear from the doctor, my baby will have reached full term and will no longer grow. She mentioned the baby was estimated to weigh 3kgs. Sounds ok, abit on the big side, but as long as the baby does not grow any bigger, it should be able to go through (my) canal pretty well (I hope). Then the day after the doctor's appointment came. It felt like the clock ticks ever so slowly, in combination with the increasingly boring TV programs, ever so swollen feet, 20 trips to the bathroom per day (day AND night), insomnia during the night and unable to get up during the day, and then, the bottom of my tummy started to feel the pressure of the baby descending. When the baby descends, it means I will feel like I'm carrying a football down there. Not quite all the way yet, but because it has started (menstrual cramp like cramps around my back and tummy), it has become increasingly difficult for me to get comfortable. It is not comfortable to walk, sit, lie down, stand up, you name it. Maybe I should just jump into a pool and float. But then I'd be wet and be needing to pee. People say you'd be missing to see your feet, but in fact, I can see my feet fine...but I can't reach to touch them. And there is one area I definitely can't see beyond the bulging tummy, need I say what?

Needless to say, even the weekly doctor's appointments couldn't come fast enough. See I am overwhelmed with the feelings of anxiety waiting for my beloved baby's arrival, but the at the same time, I am also nervous (more like freaking out) at the thought of labour and recovering from it. Awhile ago, I thought, every mother goes through it, why couldn't I? As the day comes closer, either it seeming faster or slower, I can feel my heart beating sometimes, telling my how terrified I actually am at the thought of having a baby burst out of me and possibly being ripped and sewn back together, and the thought or post partum, of having to look after the baby and at the same time being in so much pain I couldn't even walk (and be bleeding at the same time). I have had funny thoughts in my mind in the middle of the night, in the event of a fright, a human reaction will be to fight or flight. I thought, oops, too late to go for the second option, flight, as the baby is inside me and baby needs to come out. I also had thoughts of, ok maybe giving birth is not for me, let me watch other people go through it, and maybe I'll never have to go through it? Oh dear, again, too late, baby is coming, whether you like it or not. Oh please don't judge me, I am a mere mortal, and I am freaking out! I'm sure when the time comes I will be fine (will I?). My mother says, its only at first you feel scared, but when the time actually comes, you'll only want it over and done with.

I remember waking up my husband one night just to tell him that I was freaking out. I described the feeling to him as, being strapped in a very scary and high roller-coaster, at that split moment just before the drop, and you changing your mind about going on the ride, but hey, you're already strapped in and it's just waiting to drop. I guess that's my lesson, the only thing I have to do is figure out how to vent out that fear so the feeling of fear be vent out without you passing out. Usually, when I feel that fear on a roller coaster (I am scared of height to top everything off), I will always feel I'd cry and pass out or something. As if my lungs would burst and my heart will come out of my mouth. But I always managed to vent it out and start to enjoy myself my just screaming on top of my lungs! Of course once the ride was over, I would think..never again..

How lame. I wish I didn't feel this way but I do.