Obsessive, Compulsive Disorder

So let’s write something publishable shall we. I’m gonna write about…my OCDness….

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD, is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called "rituals," however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety. (from the National Institutes of Mental Health)

Ok let me check, recurrent, unwanted thoughts; every morning thinking, I’m going to burn down the house; checked, and/or repetitive behaviours(compulsion); checking the iron plug at least 3 times, checked too . Fine. I’m OCD, and its not the first time that I’ve heard of it.

Someone at work died a few nights ago. He was a guy who was almost retiring but he was good at his job (may God be with him). He was excellent that I even started to feel panicky when I first heard, as we did not have another one that could replace him and his expertise. We kind of became friends and his passion for his work became very apparent and I learnt so much from him. But he died, before we saw the end of our project that he helped to figure out. Well, when I heard the news, it took me hours to fall asleep, even though I was tired from the long journey. I kept seeing his face, his half smile. I did a lot of things to make me fall asleep. I played soothing music, I changed positions, I called my husband to talk me to sleep, then I would fall asleep. Only to wake up suddenly, to see it had only been 15 minutes. Then the ritual would start again, till finally, I found peace and fell asleep for sure. Poor husband, he only got to sleep at 5am. It was exhausting, and yet, that’s me. I do that. I have obsessive thoughts. I haven’t even started telling about the wedding process. But then again, weddings griefs are inevitable, right?

Let’s talk about small things.

Eating; I have to eat or chew, exactly the same amount of food for each side of my teeth. If it gets uneven, it have to move some food over to the other side. And when bitable food comes through the front teeth, the first and second bite has to be the exact same size. There’s no 3rd bite. Only 1st and 2nd. Then it goes to first again. (thank God I don’t think of anything for my drinks-and please don’t start, its tiring~)

While on the subject of food, here’s the thing. I never ever open a packet by the bottom. It has to be opened from the top. They made the packaging to have a top, so I think it should always be opened from the top. Even if its not directly from the top, it has to start from the top, NEVER from the bottom. And if it happens, something happens with my nerves and veins, you know, the annoyance….its unexplainable. And again, funnily enough, I couldn’t care less about my bottles or cartons for drinks. Funny that .

Top and bottom. Pillows have tops and bottoms. Blankets have tops and bottoms. While I have improved in this department, since I have a partner in bed now, I used to be so rigid on this. My old blanket used to have bears on it. And it has a front and back. So, when I sleep, the blanket has to be the right side up, and not upside down. ALWAYS. Came my husband sleeping with me, I used to get so annoyed that the blanket was upside down. So, I ended up not being able to sleep. In my head, its upside down, I need to turn it around. My husband was already half asleep. I was lying there so rigid, that it made my husband confused. He asked me what’s wrong? So I gave him a little laugh and said, don’t think weirdly of me, but the blanket is upside down. Oh well, thank god, he’s an excellent partner. He turned it up right away, so I was able to sleep soundly after that.

That’s just some of the things that happens in my daily life. I know for a fact, if I catch something in my thought, it stays there until I can finally have my own conclusion. If I worry about something, I will check it a few times, like the plug to my iron. The lock to my front door. Just high risk factors. I don’t check for the water tap. Or wash my hands a lot. I don’t arrange things with a ruler. Although I try to make things symmetrical. If it can’t be helped, it might as well be crumpled in a corner somewhere. See I’m not a neat freak, but I’m just OCD.

Wow, its tough to be me huh, quote from a friend; “how did you manage live to be 23?” and I just had to burst out laughing. For the record, I’m no longer 23..
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