The ONE, or two...or three..?

There was so much talk on relationships and marriages today. And now I’m watching Sex and the City-more relationship stuff. It started when my work colleagues and I were sat at the round table during lunch, facing the golf course (yes, we had lunch at a golf course on a working day, aah the life). Somehow the topic ‘marriage’ surfaced and somehow it became the hot topic of the lunch hour. There was a mixture of people at the table, singles, half way singles, just married, married with kids, you name it. It was kind of nice that we could all sit together and talked about this openly. One of the hottest topic about marriage was ‘cheating’ or the thought of cheating. Funny how most women will think that this was unacceptable and men will say, this was normal. (bear in mind, this is culture in Malaysia, and Muslim men can marry up to four wives). Hey, along that thought, I wonder if this is still called cheating? Nah, not going to get into that.

So what’s my take on being married and men cheating? I grew up with this environment around. Apparently cheating was normal and it was happening all around. So many couples around me and my siblings growing up were cheating and gets divorced. I won’t say who as I don’t want the stories to be associated with anyone I know (apparently my cousin reads my blog too ;) ). There were stories too how people get married, then divorced and THEN they meet their soulmate. There was a question, when would men have the tendency to cheat? The answer was after you hit the 10 year mark, when all the kids have grown up, and the husband has already attained all the needed assets, and the relationship will probably have turned to routines. Then the men will have the tendency to so-called ‘test’ the market. And TEST it they will. They will feel the thrill of still being marketable, or even ‘hotter’ than when they were single! (of course this is only my imagination) Ok, so does this answer the question of cheating husbands? What about those, who was just married, and maybe just attained a kid and still have the means to cheat? What’s going on through his head? And gets found out by the wife, the wife forgives him, then once the wife thinks everything is back to normal, he cheats..yet again? What’s that about? Is he really happy with his marriage? Or is happiness not an issue? For men reading my blog, maybe you could give some insight?

These maybe some questions that I have from the top of my head, or even from the thoughts of some of my friends. I can honestly say most women worry about this, worry about the husband cheating or lying to her and she will figure out 101 ways to combat this, maybe preventing it from happening, or go mad once it happens. Nowadays, women are less accepting of the situation as compared to maybe 50 years ago, where women may very well just accept their faith as wives, listen to their husbands and bite their tongue while knowing their husbands are out there ‘testing the market’. Nowadays, women can stand on their own, are independent and feel that they do not ‘need’ men in their lives but could use the ‘company. Nowadays, marriages are about partnership, that’s probably why, women feel more betrayed when the husband cheats on them. It’s like this, you close-up and business deal with a partner, supposedly, but suddenly the partner still tests the market?? What is that about? See, I’m trying to give some insight for men reading this blog, why for women, cheating is so awful. Yes, we can minus the emotions, so I’m just trying to write from the logical point of view. This whole business can become so clouded when the arguing, screaming or even cold silences happen that each side will try to defend their side. No one can look at it clearly, so hung up on trying to defend their own reasoning as to why or how it has to happen.

Here’s the thing, for me as a wife myself, not just to my husband, but to all husbands out there, you closed the deal with me, it was a large investment on your part AND on mine. We’re not questioning the polygamy rule. But look at it this way. WE do not NEED a husband. We WANT a husband. We can live on our own. Buy our own car. Invest in our own property. Heck even some of us are CEOs. OK so there’s a question of kids. Fine, we can adopt, or even, marry without love. Done deal. All the needs are covered. But there’s something missing. Women are built for love and passion. So that’s where boyfriends and husbands come in. We grew up with the happily ever after theories all stuck in our heads and we all dream of being a princess..or even want to have the ‘ever after’ big wedding gown, complete with the wires that we can’t go through doors with. A grown man could fit under there. Its all in the dreams. But do we need it? NO? so in this case, why should we even have to put up with cheating husbands??

Yes, as women we have to be patient. I agree. I also agree, it happens. But WHY the cheating? Why not solve the issues first and only after it is decided that we can split-up only you can continue with whoever it is that maybe you’d like to close the deal with? In a partnership, everything is shared. Hence the term ‘partnership’. For me, yes I will try my best to keep the husband as happy as he can be, but please..it can’t be a one way thing. The husband too has to make the same amount of effort! Keeping a marriage is a challenge nowadays, what with the work load, the travelling, the postings, alongside the normal family and marital responsibilities.

OK enough about cheating. Let’s move on to nicer things that we talked about today. DATING.  Hey this is a topic where I had to scan through my memories to the days that I was dating. That’s the thing with married couples, they don’t know how to be with anyone else anymore. True, the dating days was fun, but theres a deeper meaning and feeling when you’re in a marriage. Back to dating. I have always wondered what it would be like to date when you’re in your late 20s and early 30s. while this has nothing to do with my marriage now, and mainly because of the amount of time I spend watching TV show about single people living in New York, it seems like a fun thing to do. Of course, these people may be craving for what I have now (marriage) but from me, although I love my husband dearly, I still wonder what it would be like to be working, independent and single at this age. At this age, everything is less quirky or jumpy, activities are more matured and serious, and the best thing is, we can afford to pay for these activities! So I have some single friends, who at some point may be feeling the pressure of people our age getting married and having babies. But somehow to me, they should be having fun. The world is their oyster!

Take this scenario. You come home from work, at the end of the week. Your clothes were the ones that you could grab in the morning after you iron your husband’s shirt as you were late for work. Being the wife, you make sure the house is in place, dinner is ready, maybe you have a screaming kid before you even have the chance to sit down and breathe. Yes you love your kids and husband and it gives you the warm feeling inside. And then you’re tired again. Take two; you come home at the end of the week, with your most wonderful, sexy, confident outfit, pointy shoes, gorgeous earrings, excellent hairstyle that managed to stay up all day. You go and have your shower as you needed to hit the town that night with a bunch of friends. OK, fine let’s make it abit more realistic here in Malaysia. Most of your friends have to stay at home as most of them are married. So, you just go out with some of your single friends. Or your activity group, because you joined a dance group that goes out every week. You meet the most interesting people that don’t go to the same office as you, went to different universities from you, and why are they single? Because they work, and work and work and think they do not have enough time to date. Why did you meet him there? He was out with a client, so he was chilling off at the bar trying to figure out how to close the deal that the client didn’t seem very convinced about. He could be ‘THE ONE’. Owh wait..no. I don’t want you to join me now. He has friends, who are surfers, sky divers, musicians! Ahh, in your normal circle, there was NO WAY you could meet these people. Thinking about the ONE still? Didn’t think so. You want to travel the world! You want to see more things. Come on, how many surfers are there in Malaysia? How many people own yatchs? Yes, a yacht that could learn to sail! And owh, the surfer knows a saxophonist? See, you’re so glad you didn’t think the surfer was THE ONE. Otherwise you’ll be lusting over the saxophone everytime you get a free pass at the club he performs at. Hey you still have ‘story-of-your-life’ logbooks to fill right? c‘mon, what are you gonna tell your grandchildren when you grow old and unable to perform any of these things coz you have gout or arthiritis.

Did I paint a good picture? Its pretty colourful and exciting? I hope so. I’m not saying I’m resenting these moments. Because I had my share, oh yes, I had it all. Musician, army, car racer, pot head, dancing in the rain, (hubby gonna question this arghh nvm) and other things abit private to mention. And most of the other stuff did not involve a man. Yes, at the end of the day, you will want to meet THE ONE. Just don’t be convinced the one is around the corner. The one will only come after these people that excite you. And for all you know, the one, will be the average Joe, or the boy next door. That’s always your best bet. Why? Because they will love you with all their hearts, without having to worry about their music shows, or competitions, and no screaming chicks at their disposal. Who needs unnecessary competition, right?? And not to forget, a good parent.

And single guys out there, I salute you if you would like to meet the ONE and be with the ONE all your life. I salute you. You are what women need, and the answer to a healthier society, with less divorce rate and less family problems for the kids .