My PUG!

OK this is gonna be a lame entry. I have received my car quite a while ago, but just wanted to share it with the world! Although, since I am on a long break from work, I don't drive it alot these days. The first day that I received it, it was thinking, I can't believe, I finally have a Peugeot in my driveway! It's in my wishlist. I've always wanted a Peugeot, just didn't know which one. Somehow, some people question my decision with this car, but heck I don't really care, I love it nevertheless J. Now, just waiting for my parents to come and of course the baby's going home trip. Well here's a preview.

Roller coaster adrenaline rush

I wish whatever goes through my head in the middle of the night (or throughout the night) could be recorded and saved in the form of a blog. These days, I have great ideas to blog but I never get around to actually sitting down and typing it. I have read in articles and books that the final weeks of the pregnancy will be the longest of the whole pregnancy. Somehow I only half believed what was written, as before I reached 36 weeks, my days were going alot faster in comparison with the when I first started bedrest. How wrong I was and how true the articles were. When my doctor's appointment for 36 weeks came, I was excited to hear from the doctor, my baby will have reached full term and will no longer grow. She mentioned the baby was estimated to weigh 3kgs. Sounds ok, abit on the big side, but as long as the baby does not grow any bigger, it should be able to go through (my) canal pretty well (I hope). Then the day after the doctor's appointment came. It felt like the clock ticks ever so slowly, in combination with the increasingly boring TV programs, ever so swollen feet, 20 trips to the bathroom per day (day AND night), insomnia during the night and unable to get up during the day, and then, the bottom of my tummy started to feel the pressure of the baby descending. When the baby descends, it means I will feel like I'm carrying a football down there. Not quite all the way yet, but because it has started (menstrual cramp like cramps around my back and tummy), it has become increasingly difficult for me to get comfortable. It is not comfortable to walk, sit, lie down, stand up, you name it. Maybe I should just jump into a pool and float. But then I'd be wet and be needing to pee. People say you'd be missing to see your feet, but in fact, I can see my feet fine...but I can't reach to touch them. And there is one area I definitely can't see beyond the bulging tummy, need I say what?

Needless to say, even the weekly doctor's appointments couldn't come fast enough. See I am overwhelmed with the feelings of anxiety waiting for my beloved baby's arrival, but the at the same time, I am also nervous (more like freaking out) at the thought of labour and recovering from it. Awhile ago, I thought, every mother goes through it, why couldn't I? As the day comes closer, either it seeming faster or slower, I can feel my heart beating sometimes, telling my how terrified I actually am at the thought of having a baby burst out of me and possibly being ripped and sewn back together, and the thought or post partum, of having to look after the baby and at the same time being in so much pain I couldn't even walk (and be bleeding at the same time). I have had funny thoughts in my mind in the middle of the night, in the event of a fright, a human reaction will be to fight or flight. I thought, oops, too late to go for the second option, flight, as the baby is inside me and baby needs to come out. I also had thoughts of, ok maybe giving birth is not for me, let me watch other people go through it, and maybe I'll never have to go through it? Oh dear, again, too late, baby is coming, whether you like it or not. Oh please don't judge me, I am a mere mortal, and I am freaking out! I'm sure when the time comes I will be fine (will I?). My mother says, its only at first you feel scared, but when the time actually comes, you'll only want it over and done with.

I remember waking up my husband one night just to tell him that I was freaking out. I described the feeling to him as, being strapped in a very scary and high roller-coaster, at that split moment just before the drop, and you changing your mind about going on the ride, but hey, you're already strapped in and it's just waiting to drop. I guess that's my lesson, the only thing I have to do is figure out how to vent out that fear so the feeling of fear be vent out without you passing out. Usually, when I feel that fear on a roller coaster (I am scared of height to top everything off), I will always feel I'd cry and pass out or something. As if my lungs would burst and my heart will come out of my mouth. But I always managed to vent it out and start to enjoy myself my just screaming on top of my lungs! Of course once the ride was over, I would think..never again..

How lame. I wish I didn't feel this way but I do.

Bedrest, body rest and mental rest....How am I coping?

Well, here goes. I have finally found the urge to write again. Which is pleasant. I get self-satisfaction from it. It seems most people I follow can't maintain their blogs either. I enjoy reading philosophical blogs..or blogs from people I deem interesting. These people are one way one you meet them in person, and another way when they write. It shows the best part about their mind are not fully exposed to the world. Until they start to tap the keyboard (it used to be, 'pick-up a pen'..duh~). Some people just blog to tell people what they did, where they went and what they like to wear. I can't get myself to become interested with such blogs. It's hard to find those who blog, to tell you what they did AND tell you how they feel about doing it, and even sometimes add a spice add their thought to that activity, like how to improve it, or how it would look like if a different type of person did it. I guess, the blogs I follow are written by people who were interesting at one point of time, until they became too involved with their careers/jobs. Such a shame.

Just as an update. The letter from the doctor says, Munira has been put to bedrest until delivery. The sound of that seems lovely, but the till delivery part?? That's a good two months! I think I am in my 3^rd week of bedrest. I had a plan to just enjoy my five days, have the occasional checks on my work email to support the team while I am away, and get involved in a weekly activity of going to antenatal classes. So far it seems to be working. I thought the first week was pleasant. Then the second week came I was getting sick of my living room and kitchen. I was sick of getting my hands wet cutting up ingredients to cook (yes I decided to cook everyday!) and at one point, I just gave up and told my husband..."I HATE cooking!! Please don't make me cook ANYMORE!!". That's funny because he never told me to cook but I actually volunteered. I could be good at it if I put my mind to it. Of course, with everyday hands-on, less disasterous results were achieved (reminiscing on the fried noodles that was waayyyy too black). And bless my wonderful husband, each and every meal I cooked was, in his words 'mmm sedapnya u masak!' (delicious). I could get an honest opinion verbally thus, I started to look out for body language and response. Some days, he would eat more, other days he would eat less. On the days he eats less, or finds it hard to finish it off, I would ask him, did you already eat outside, or what time did you eat earlier. If he didn't eat anytime before he went back, I would assume that meal was less than successful.

Well, now is the beginning of my 3^rd week. I'm starting to feel calmer, and somehow time is flying by faster than before. I guess I have come to terms with the whole bedrest thing. I am sad that I am not allowed to go places. I probably could with extra care and the distance radius from wherever I am to the hospital is about 15 mins away. Though, I still don't dare to go anywhere that is not with my husband. Purely because, I can't imagine if I start bleeding or go into early labour and my husband is not around, my companion would be panicking and I would get them into trouble of getting me to the hospital ASAP. I don't really want to impose that responsibility to others. When I am at home, apart from the normal routine of cleaning and cooking, I guess I am picking up some work from office that needs to be done. Nothing major, just very minor email sending or clarification work. I am still not looking forward to these small tasks (my work is very stressful), but I guess, they give me some level of relief, that I could still be of help, even though I have left the office without preparation and warning. We'll see how that goes.

Moving on to some good news...my baby PUG is here ;) (well, my real baby is still inside me, I am talking about my new car!). Owh how exciting J. I haven't officially received her yet, but I have signed all papers and everything and she will be ready to be picked up in a few days time. Of course, I am nervous financially, new car, new baby, new house..I am jumping to the deep end! But I guess the excitement of getting it, is wonderful. I was just telling my hubby, we are blessed that our medical expenses are fully covered by our companies. Otherwise, we probably would not be able to maintain the same standard of living as we are now.

So how am I coping? Pretty well I think. I am glad I am still well to be able to write this entry, and let us see when the arrival of my wonderful baby boy will be J.

The Year 2011 ..........transportation department

I'm saying goodbye to SS today..Oh no, I don't know why I feel so sad. I love that car, no matter how old, or how much noise it makes. It has served me a good I want to say 50k-km? My math is failing me. Well, when I received it, the ODO meter was around 150k+, now its 203+ or something. Ah, my journeys :) although mostly it's KL-Kerteh-KL.

I have this habit of growing on stuff. When I own something, hard for me to let go. I guess I have a little bit of a hoarder's characteristics. Not as bad as my mother, though. I do like my space. In this case, I am not hoarding, I am just emotionally attached.

I remember the first day I received SS. It was near Port Klang. I can't remember the exact date, but I do remember it was the night Pak Lah decided to increase the fuel price (at the time everyone was using Ron 97) from RM1.85 to RM2.70. And SS had just come out of the port, and of course the fuel tank was empty. I remember I went to Klang with Tze Yang and my hubby (or fiance at the time-or just boyfriend?). We met the guy at the road side, dropped him somewhere and went for dinner. The way we used to go to port Klang had two fuel stations on either side of the road, can you imagine the chaos and traffic jam that caused? It was people trying to fill their tank full! After dinner, I think Tze Yang went home and me and Aman to find the nearest fuel pump. Of course most of them had a mile long queue. I remember having to queue up for an hour or two and when I reached the pump, it was already like 11.30-11.45pm. I didn't intend to fill up any tanks then, but my car didn't have fuel to even make it back to KL! Since I was already at the fuel pump, I filled SS up, and I still remember till today, it came up to RM130!

That full tank only lasted 1 week, with me and Aman going to work together.....

And then, I moved to Kerteh.

I only got SS in Kerteh after 2 weeks of being there. The first two weeks, we had accomodation and transportation provided for us. Thus I didn't need the car. Then Aman came one weekend to leave the car and he got on the bus late that night. See that was the first time I was left alone with SS. I didn't know how to properly drive her, since I felt she was so long and big. But because I was left alone with her, it didnt take me long. SS' condition was really bad, especially in the tires department. I had to spend alot of money getting her in a good and safe shape to drive long distance. Mind you, it took me awhile to build up the courage to actually drive long distance!

SS gave me alot of adventures and served me well. The only two times she broke down, was not when she was with me. The only time she received a speeding ticket, was not when I was driving - though I still paid for it :[. One accident- sorry I broke you. But somehow, SS' number proved to be lucky too..hahah

Today, is the day that we decided to sell her off. I'm sorry dear friend, we have to do it. I have to make room for a new car and a new life. It was never meant to be forever, me and SS. It was great having SS around. I'm going to miss you.. Let's hope just not too much.

I feel so sad~

The Year 2011 ..two months down the line...

Actually published on FB Sunday, 27 February 2011 at 15:07

It is the end of February, and guess what, all hopes and dreams have all turned to be something else that is soo unexpected. Not sure what or how I feel about the whole situation.

(1) Transfer: rejected, reappeal, rejected, reappeal again ---> I can only pray it will eventually happen and I won't miss this opportunity

(2) Giving birth: pregnancy complications-placenta previa type II, normal delivery is almost out of the window, but it comes with its own surprise..Was admitted to hospital, now I am grounded to be at home, and I have more than 2 months till I am due! I'm the type of person who loves to work, but now I can't. Staying at home. only 2nd day. Nothing much to complain about.

(3) Spending maternity leave with Hubby: well at least one thing has a green light :)

(4) Have both my parents over : .............. its my parents.. I can't say much

(5) New car: hopefully in a few weeks time - but rethinking of necessity...I'm not gonna be needing to drive for a while...

(6) Go back to Sabah: If I am on long leave, and maybe I'd have to start using my annual leave, going back to Sabah might not be possible :| I am so sad~~

(7) Buy tickets to go to UK 2012: news maybe dad might wanna come back this year..and seriously this is not the time to think about holidays...I have surviving giving birth with minimal complications to go through first.

So this year, I'll spend ALOT of time at home. Its kind of a dream come true, with its own ups and downs. At the same time, I have so many loose ends that need tying up. Need to
-cancel my Astro - save money there
-clean fridge, there's milk in my fridge!
-bring my clothes back to KL - I only have enough for the weekend!
-bring my carpet, pillows, fan etc...whatever that can fit a car
-what about my letters??!!
-should I move out of my rented house? It'll be empty for a few good months, and rent is RM450/month! but what if I don't get transferred?? so confusing...

So there's probably a trip back to Kertih necessary, but I can't go...Need hubby and bro to go. Sigh~

I hope I won't be too much of an inconvenience to the people around me :[

I have to do this for baby :), don't want baby to have to come out when he's not quite ready yet... [elders say its because I'm too active, too much travelling, still going to site etc etc...really?? Only God knows why].

I can only pray to God that all will be well, in this confusing times...

The year 2011

Actually published on FB Friday, 14 January 2011 at 15:48

There are a few things that I am looking out for this year. See I am the type of person who always has to plan ahead before making a move. I would put in at least my whole year calendar in, and in further details, needs to be 1-2 months ahead of time. I plan my weekend trips and events and so on.

Well this year is different. When I sit down and try to fill in my calendar, I am unable to. I can't go beyond 2-3 weeks. I seriously do not know what is going to happen. These are the things ideally I wish to happen:

(1) Getting a job transfer to KL
(2) Give birth normally (or at least safely) in KL/Sabah
(3) spend my maternity leave with my baby and Aman
(4) Have both my parents over during birth of my baby
(5) Get a new car (sell off old car)
(6) Go back home to Sabah during Raya
(7) Buy tickets for holiday in UK in 2012 (when baby is over 1 yr old)

and these are the things that could still happen:

(1) I don't get transferred - stuck in Kerteh with baby and need plan to manage that
(2) I give birth at other places than preferred as I am still working in Kerteh
(3) Having to spend maternity leave away from Aman
(4) My parents couldn't come to witness the birth of their first grandchild
(5) Can't get my car out (so many factors)
(6) can't go back to Sabah for Raya (overspent my annual leave)
(7) All else fails, can't afford the holiday anymore -.-"

These are just two possibilities that I am writing out. I'm thinking of more possibilities (God knows how complicated I think and overthink things). But the best thing of all is, I am still remaining very calm....(despite the thoughts of labour pains flashing through my mind every now and then).

Due date, 3rd May 2011.

The ONE, or two...or three..?

There was so much talk on relationships and marriages today. And now I’m watching Sex and the City-more relationship stuff. It started when my work colleagues and I were sat at the round table during lunch, facing the golf course (yes, we had lunch at a golf course on a working day, aah the life). Somehow the topic ‘marriage’ surfaced and somehow it became the hot topic of the lunch hour. There was a mixture of people at the table, singles, half way singles, just married, married with kids, you name it. It was kind of nice that we could all sit together and talked about this openly. One of the hottest topic about marriage was ‘cheating’ or the thought of cheating. Funny how most women will think that this was unacceptable and men will say, this was normal. (bear in mind, this is culture in Malaysia, and Muslim men can marry up to four wives). Hey, along that thought, I wonder if this is still called cheating? Nah, not going to get into that.

So what’s my take on being married and men cheating? I grew up with this environment around. Apparently cheating was normal and it was happening all around. So many couples around me and my siblings growing up were cheating and gets divorced. I won’t say who as I don’t want the stories to be associated with anyone I know (apparently my cousin reads my blog too ;) ). There were stories too how people get married, then divorced and THEN they meet their soulmate. There was a question, when would men have the tendency to cheat? The answer was after you hit the 10 year mark, when all the kids have grown up, and the husband has already attained all the needed assets, and the relationship will probably have turned to routines. Then the men will have the tendency to so-called ‘test’ the market. And TEST it they will. They will feel the thrill of still being marketable, or even ‘hotter’ than when they were single! (of course this is only my imagination) Ok, so does this answer the question of cheating husbands? What about those, who was just married, and maybe just attained a kid and still have the means to cheat? What’s going on through his head? And gets found out by the wife, the wife forgives him, then once the wife thinks everything is back to normal, he cheats..yet again? What’s that about? Is he really happy with his marriage? Or is happiness not an issue? For men reading my blog, maybe you could give some insight?

These maybe some questions that I have from the top of my head, or even from the thoughts of some of my friends. I can honestly say most women worry about this, worry about the husband cheating or lying to her and she will figure out 101 ways to combat this, maybe preventing it from happening, or go mad once it happens. Nowadays, women are less accepting of the situation as compared to maybe 50 years ago, where women may very well just accept their faith as wives, listen to their husbands and bite their tongue while knowing their husbands are out there ‘testing the market’. Nowadays, women can stand on their own, are independent and feel that they do not ‘need’ men in their lives but could use the ‘company. Nowadays, marriages are about partnership, that’s probably why, women feel more betrayed when the husband cheats on them. It’s like this, you close-up and business deal with a partner, supposedly, but suddenly the partner still tests the market?? What is that about? See, I’m trying to give some insight for men reading this blog, why for women, cheating is so awful. Yes, we can minus the emotions, so I’m just trying to write from the logical point of view. This whole business can become so clouded when the arguing, screaming or even cold silences happen that each side will try to defend their side. No one can look at it clearly, so hung up on trying to defend their own reasoning as to why or how it has to happen.

Here’s the thing, for me as a wife myself, not just to my husband, but to all husbands out there, you closed the deal with me, it was a large investment on your part AND on mine. We’re not questioning the polygamy rule. But look at it this way. WE do not NEED a husband. We WANT a husband. We can live on our own. Buy our own car. Invest in our own property. Heck even some of us are CEOs. OK so there’s a question of kids. Fine, we can adopt, or even, marry without love. Done deal. All the needs are covered. But there’s something missing. Women are built for love and passion. So that’s where boyfriends and husbands come in. We grew up with the happily ever after theories all stuck in our heads and we all dream of being a princess..or even want to have the ‘ever after’ big wedding gown, complete with the wires that we can’t go through doors with. A grown man could fit under there. Its all in the dreams. But do we need it? NO? so in this case, why should we even have to put up with cheating husbands??

Yes, as women we have to be patient. I agree. I also agree, it happens. But WHY the cheating? Why not solve the issues first and only after it is decided that we can split-up only you can continue with whoever it is that maybe you’d like to close the deal with? In a partnership, everything is shared. Hence the term ‘partnership’. For me, yes I will try my best to keep the husband as happy as he can be, but please..it can’t be a one way thing. The husband too has to make the same amount of effort! Keeping a marriage is a challenge nowadays, what with the work load, the travelling, the postings, alongside the normal family and marital responsibilities.

OK enough about cheating. Let’s move on to nicer things that we talked about today. DATING.  Hey this is a topic where I had to scan through my memories to the days that I was dating. That’s the thing with married couples, they don’t know how to be with anyone else anymore. True, the dating days was fun, but theres a deeper meaning and feeling when you’re in a marriage. Back to dating. I have always wondered what it would be like to date when you’re in your late 20s and early 30s. while this has nothing to do with my marriage now, and mainly because of the amount of time I spend watching TV show about single people living in New York, it seems like a fun thing to do. Of course, these people may be craving for what I have now (marriage) but from me, although I love my husband dearly, I still wonder what it would be like to be working, independent and single at this age. At this age, everything is less quirky or jumpy, activities are more matured and serious, and the best thing is, we can afford to pay for these activities! So I have some single friends, who at some point may be feeling the pressure of people our age getting married and having babies. But somehow to me, they should be having fun. The world is their oyster!

Take this scenario. You come home from work, at the end of the week. Your clothes were the ones that you could grab in the morning after you iron your husband’s shirt as you were late for work. Being the wife, you make sure the house is in place, dinner is ready, maybe you have a screaming kid before you even have the chance to sit down and breathe. Yes you love your kids and husband and it gives you the warm feeling inside. And then you’re tired again. Take two; you come home at the end of the week, with your most wonderful, sexy, confident outfit, pointy shoes, gorgeous earrings, excellent hairstyle that managed to stay up all day. You go and have your shower as you needed to hit the town that night with a bunch of friends. OK, fine let’s make it abit more realistic here in Malaysia. Most of your friends have to stay at home as most of them are married. So, you just go out with some of your single friends. Or your activity group, because you joined a dance group that goes out every week. You meet the most interesting people that don’t go to the same office as you, went to different universities from you, and why are they single? Because they work, and work and work and think they do not have enough time to date. Why did you meet him there? He was out with a client, so he was chilling off at the bar trying to figure out how to close the deal that the client didn’t seem very convinced about. He could be ‘THE ONE’. Owh wait..no. I don’t want you to join me now. He has friends, who are surfers, sky divers, musicians! Ahh, in your normal circle, there was NO WAY you could meet these people. Thinking about the ONE still? Didn’t think so. You want to travel the world! You want to see more things. Come on, how many surfers are there in Malaysia? How many people own yatchs? Yes, a yacht that could learn to sail! And owh, the surfer knows a saxophonist? See, you’re so glad you didn’t think the surfer was THE ONE. Otherwise you’ll be lusting over the saxophone everytime you get a free pass at the club he performs at. Hey you still have ‘story-of-your-life’ logbooks to fill right? c‘mon, what are you gonna tell your grandchildren when you grow old and unable to perform any of these things coz you have gout or arthiritis.

Did I paint a good picture? Its pretty colourful and exciting? I hope so. I’m not saying I’m resenting these moments. Because I had my share, oh yes, I had it all. Musician, army, car racer, pot head, dancing in the rain, (hubby gonna question this arghh nvm) and other things abit private to mention. And most of the other stuff did not involve a man. Yes, at the end of the day, you will want to meet THE ONE. Just don’t be convinced the one is around the corner. The one will only come after these people that excite you. And for all you know, the one, will be the average Joe, or the boy next door. That’s always your best bet. Why? Because they will love you with all their hearts, without having to worry about their music shows, or competitions, and no screaming chicks at their disposal. Who needs unnecessary competition, right?? And not to forget, a good parent.

And single guys out there, I salute you if you would like to meet the ONE and be with the ONE all your life. I salute you. You are what women need, and the answer to a healthier society, with less divorce rate and less family problems for the kids .