My Baby Arrival Wishlist

Would it be wrong to have a baby wishlist? I saw this post once from an acquaintance. She put a wedding wishlist, or rather the opposite of the wishlist. Things she does not need as a wedding gift. See in the US, weddings gifts are more organised where they get to register at a store and register what gifts they would like and guests can get gifts that they registered. I was saying to dear hubby, why couldn't we do the same? He says, coz it'll be too rude, considering our culture here in the east. It's the same as when my family moved to the UK, we had to get used to the culture of opening the present in front of the person who gave the present to see their expression. But here in Malaysia, we give the gift, and they open at their own time to save from 'embarrassment'. I guess that's what hubby meant when he said it'll be too rude.


Well moving along, I'll just take the risk of writing up a wishlist anyhow. My sister said this to me, what are the things you 'want' but don't need? Coz the things you need you'll eventually get, but the things you want but don't need, it'll be a great gift.

Here goes, some of the things we still don't have:

1) Sterilizer and warmer combo set by Little Bean

2) Travel playpen mattress and pillows set (or latex mattress & pillow - it is a wishlist haha)

3) Cloth diapers (lots and lots of nice boyish designs)

4) Stroller - Quinny Zapp Extra or Halford Zuzz 4

5) Car seat - a bigger car seat that can be used for years

6) Baby monitor

7) Diaper/changing bag that hubby can carry

8) Baby sling

9) Any toys for newborn onwards

10) What to expect - the first year book ( I already bought a baby journal thing)


Well, I can't think of anymore *wishlist* items. People have asked, what we don't already have so the above list stands for now, as we don't plan to buy it anytime soon (maybe after baby is one month old?).


Can't wait :)

Labour Fears

I google about alot of things. Not just facts and information. Sometimes when I am going through something I google on how to cope with certain things so I can find forums and articles on how to manage such experiences. Here's the thing. I am facing tremendous fear and phobias on going into labour and giving birth. I tried to google it but the articles I found didn't seem to help. Its telling me everything I already know by reading my pregnancy book over and over again. Plus I subscribe to an online pregnancy club thingy which gives me great articles on everything there is to know about pregnancy and having a baby. I can say I am pretty well informed. I am also surrounded by recent mothers as well as very experienced mothers. All will tell me, it's normal to fear it but the fear will go away once labour starts and you'll just want it over and done with. Here's the thing with me.

Number one. I have (had) a fear of doctors, clinics, hospitals, needles, tubes, blood, and anything that can pierce through my skin. Hence my choice of career which has nothing to do with biology. I had an episode of prolapsed disc but thank God no needles or piercing through my skin was necessary. Only the giant MRI machine which involved me going through a giant hole and it is very loud. THANK GOD they only had to scan my lower back, thus my head came out the other end, phew! Over the years I have avoided going to clinics and getting the needle, as I really, really hate doctors and needles. Then I became pregnant. Seeing the doctor every month and then it became more frequent towards the end. OK. That was not so bad. I had company every time, BUT! I had to pee in a cup, got needles, blood checked etc. Ultrasound was not so bad. I guess this soothed my fear of anything medicine. Now comes the time where I will be having a BABY out of my below OMG! Some people asked me why I did not opt for a c-sect considering I have placenta previa (partial). Depsite the doc recommending I have quite a high chance of success with normal birth, I am really afraid to go under the knife. I mean, c'mon, the lights, the aprons, gloves, knife to cut me open. The PREP! Needles again, tubes, EVERYWHERE. Its like being in one of the SAW movie (only comparing to the fear I have). OK, do you get it now, I am a coward when it comes to this. So now, with all the pains, I don't want to be injected on my spine to relieve my pain! But what if the pain is too much? And then the thought of episotomy (I can't spell it)?

Number two. My body is going to change. Of course it has changed, but I don't know whether its going to back to its normal size. I can;t imagine how it will be. My skin? My flabs. Hahah. I guess it's every girl's nightmare.

Number three. My life is about to change. So many things have happened to me in my lifetime. Not to over dramatise. My father will say, your life was not that bad. Well he was not separated, first from his father, then his mother later on in life, and being forced to accept strangers into their family and have to put up with the bickering of both parents. Plus, being the eldest meant I have had to set good example to my siblings, so they won't be bitter with everything. Enough of that bitterness in the past, I am now happy. Well, I don't know if I consider myself being unhappy in the past. I don't think I was unhappy, but I was just angry alot during my childhood and teenage years. On being happy, my life was pretty exciting and I had to make some interesting choices in life. Now this choice, was pretty common (having a baby). It happens worldwide and throughout the history of mankind. It's the most common thing, but It's stupid how this is the one that managed to scare me. What sort of parent will I be? I can't do the normal things I used to do now. What if don't get accepted for the job transfer? What if I do? What nursery/daycare will I choose? What if I become a bad mother? What if my baby falls sick? You know, Back when I was 15, my mum decided to send me back to Malaysia, while she stayed in the UK. She was going to put me up with my uncle and his family. She was not in good terms with my father and I hadn't seen him in years. I didn't remember what kind of person he was. And I was 15 – rebellious and angry. Of course my father fought to get me. After much disagreement and 'non'-discussions, my mother finally asked me, where do you want to be? And I answered, I want to be with my own father. And that was that. I was bold and brave and faced my decision. It made me into the person I am today and of course, now everyone is in great terms J. If I were to recall, when it was time to choose my unis, I chose the ones outside of Sabah (without my parent's knowledge) as I wanted to be away and independent. I got into a uni in Sarawak. I remember being alone, and I had a single room with no roommates. I survived, but then after a month, I took another leap and was accepted into UTP in Perak. And I knew absolutely NO ONE there. I survived. For my internship, I took one that required me to rent a house, get a bus every morning and go overseas, as opposed to getting one where I could live at home and have transport. I survived. AND met my husband J. Then, I took up a job in Terengganu. I felt brave then on my first night there. I didn't cry or anything. On each and every single one of these events, I did not shed any tears on the first day. And THIS. The most common thing in the whole wide world, giving birth, I am scared sh*t that I have nightmares. Somehow, I know I will have the strength but I am still scared.

Does this entry make me feel better? I guess a little. For now. I think it'll be so much better once my mother arrives tomorrow night.

My PUG!

OK this is gonna be a lame entry. I have received my car quite a while ago, but just wanted to share it with the world! Although, since I am on a long break from work, I don't drive it alot these days. The first day that I received it, it was thinking, I can't believe, I finally have a Peugeot in my driveway! It's in my wishlist. I've always wanted a Peugeot, just didn't know which one. Somehow, some people question my decision with this car, but heck I don't really care, I love it nevertheless J. Now, just waiting for my parents to come and of course the baby's going home trip. Well here's a preview.

Roller coaster adrenaline rush

I wish whatever goes through my head in the middle of the night (or throughout the night) could be recorded and saved in the form of a blog. These days, I have great ideas to blog but I never get around to actually sitting down and typing it. I have read in articles and books that the final weeks of the pregnancy will be the longest of the whole pregnancy. Somehow I only half believed what was written, as before I reached 36 weeks, my days were going alot faster in comparison with the when I first started bedrest. How wrong I was and how true the articles were. When my doctor's appointment for 36 weeks came, I was excited to hear from the doctor, my baby will have reached full term and will no longer grow. She mentioned the baby was estimated to weigh 3kgs. Sounds ok, abit on the big side, but as long as the baby does not grow any bigger, it should be able to go through (my) canal pretty well (I hope). Then the day after the doctor's appointment came. It felt like the clock ticks ever so slowly, in combination with the increasingly boring TV programs, ever so swollen feet, 20 trips to the bathroom per day (day AND night), insomnia during the night and unable to get up during the day, and then, the bottom of my tummy started to feel the pressure of the baby descending. When the baby descends, it means I will feel like I'm carrying a football down there. Not quite all the way yet, but because it has started (menstrual cramp like cramps around my back and tummy), it has become increasingly difficult for me to get comfortable. It is not comfortable to walk, sit, lie down, stand up, you name it. Maybe I should just jump into a pool and float. But then I'd be wet and be needing to pee. People say you'd be missing to see your feet, but in fact, I can see my feet fine...but I can't reach to touch them. And there is one area I definitely can't see beyond the bulging tummy, need I say what?

Needless to say, even the weekly doctor's appointments couldn't come fast enough. See I am overwhelmed with the feelings of anxiety waiting for my beloved baby's arrival, but the at the same time, I am also nervous (more like freaking out) at the thought of labour and recovering from it. Awhile ago, I thought, every mother goes through it, why couldn't I? As the day comes closer, either it seeming faster or slower, I can feel my heart beating sometimes, telling my how terrified I actually am at the thought of having a baby burst out of me and possibly being ripped and sewn back together, and the thought or post partum, of having to look after the baby and at the same time being in so much pain I couldn't even walk (and be bleeding at the same time). I have had funny thoughts in my mind in the middle of the night, in the event of a fright, a human reaction will be to fight or flight. I thought, oops, too late to go for the second option, flight, as the baby is inside me and baby needs to come out. I also had thoughts of, ok maybe giving birth is not for me, let me watch other people go through it, and maybe I'll never have to go through it? Oh dear, again, too late, baby is coming, whether you like it or not. Oh please don't judge me, I am a mere mortal, and I am freaking out! I'm sure when the time comes I will be fine (will I?). My mother says, its only at first you feel scared, but when the time actually comes, you'll only want it over and done with.

I remember waking up my husband one night just to tell him that I was freaking out. I described the feeling to him as, being strapped in a very scary and high roller-coaster, at that split moment just before the drop, and you changing your mind about going on the ride, but hey, you're already strapped in and it's just waiting to drop. I guess that's my lesson, the only thing I have to do is figure out how to vent out that fear so the feeling of fear be vent out without you passing out. Usually, when I feel that fear on a roller coaster (I am scared of height to top everything off), I will always feel I'd cry and pass out or something. As if my lungs would burst and my heart will come out of my mouth. But I always managed to vent it out and start to enjoy myself my just screaming on top of my lungs! Of course once the ride was over, I would think..never again..

How lame. I wish I didn't feel this way but I do.

Bedrest, body rest and mental rest....How am I coping?

Well, here goes. I have finally found the urge to write again. Which is pleasant. I get self-satisfaction from it. It seems most people I follow can't maintain their blogs either. I enjoy reading philosophical blogs..or blogs from people I deem interesting. These people are one way one you meet them in person, and another way when they write. It shows the best part about their mind are not fully exposed to the world. Until they start to tap the keyboard (it used to be, 'pick-up a pen'..duh~). Some people just blog to tell people what they did, where they went and what they like to wear. I can't get myself to become interested with such blogs. It's hard to find those who blog, to tell you what they did AND tell you how they feel about doing it, and even sometimes add a spice add their thought to that activity, like how to improve it, or how it would look like if a different type of person did it. I guess, the blogs I follow are written by people who were interesting at one point of time, until they became too involved with their careers/jobs. Such a shame.

Just as an update. The letter from the doctor says, Munira has been put to bedrest until delivery. The sound of that seems lovely, but the till delivery part?? That's a good two months! I think I am in my 3^rd week of bedrest. I had a plan to just enjoy my five days, have the occasional checks on my work email to support the team while I am away, and get involved in a weekly activity of going to antenatal classes. So far it seems to be working. I thought the first week was pleasant. Then the second week came I was getting sick of my living room and kitchen. I was sick of getting my hands wet cutting up ingredients to cook (yes I decided to cook everyday!) and at one point, I just gave up and told my husband..."I HATE cooking!! Please don't make me cook ANYMORE!!". That's funny because he never told me to cook but I actually volunteered. I could be good at it if I put my mind to it. Of course, with everyday hands-on, less disasterous results were achieved (reminiscing on the fried noodles that was waayyyy too black). And bless my wonderful husband, each and every meal I cooked was, in his words 'mmm sedapnya u masak!' (delicious). I could get an honest opinion verbally thus, I started to look out for body language and response. Some days, he would eat more, other days he would eat less. On the days he eats less, or finds it hard to finish it off, I would ask him, did you already eat outside, or what time did you eat earlier. If he didn't eat anytime before he went back, I would assume that meal was less than successful.

Well, now is the beginning of my 3^rd week. I'm starting to feel calmer, and somehow time is flying by faster than before. I guess I have come to terms with the whole bedrest thing. I am sad that I am not allowed to go places. I probably could with extra care and the distance radius from wherever I am to the hospital is about 15 mins away. Though, I still don't dare to go anywhere that is not with my husband. Purely because, I can't imagine if I start bleeding or go into early labour and my husband is not around, my companion would be panicking and I would get them into trouble of getting me to the hospital ASAP. I don't really want to impose that responsibility to others. When I am at home, apart from the normal routine of cleaning and cooking, I guess I am picking up some work from office that needs to be done. Nothing major, just very minor email sending or clarification work. I am still not looking forward to these small tasks (my work is very stressful), but I guess, they give me some level of relief, that I could still be of help, even though I have left the office without preparation and warning. We'll see how that goes.

Moving on to some good news...my baby PUG is here ;) (well, my real baby is still inside me, I am talking about my new car!). Owh how exciting J. I haven't officially received her yet, but I have signed all papers and everything and she will be ready to be picked up in a few days time. Of course, I am nervous financially, new car, new baby, new house..I am jumping to the deep end! But I guess the excitement of getting it, is wonderful. I was just telling my hubby, we are blessed that our medical expenses are fully covered by our companies. Otherwise, we probably would not be able to maintain the same standard of living as we are now.

So how am I coping? Pretty well I think. I am glad I am still well to be able to write this entry, and let us see when the arrival of my wonderful baby boy will be J.

The Year 2011 ..........transportation department

I'm saying goodbye to SS today..Oh no, I don't know why I feel so sad. I love that car, no matter how old, or how much noise it makes. It has served me a good I want to say 50k-km? My math is failing me. Well, when I received it, the ODO meter was around 150k+, now its 203+ or something. Ah, my journeys :) although mostly it's KL-Kerteh-KL.

I have this habit of growing on stuff. When I own something, hard for me to let go. I guess I have a little bit of a hoarder's characteristics. Not as bad as my mother, though. I do like my space. In this case, I am not hoarding, I am just emotionally attached.

I remember the first day I received SS. It was near Port Klang. I can't remember the exact date, but I do remember it was the night Pak Lah decided to increase the fuel price (at the time everyone was using Ron 97) from RM1.85 to RM2.70. And SS had just come out of the port, and of course the fuel tank was empty. I remember I went to Klang with Tze Yang and my hubby (or fiance at the time-or just boyfriend?). We met the guy at the road side, dropped him somewhere and went for dinner. The way we used to go to port Klang had two fuel stations on either side of the road, can you imagine the chaos and traffic jam that caused? It was people trying to fill their tank full! After dinner, I think Tze Yang went home and me and Aman to find the nearest fuel pump. Of course most of them had a mile long queue. I remember having to queue up for an hour or two and when I reached the pump, it was already like 11.30-11.45pm. I didn't intend to fill up any tanks then, but my car didn't have fuel to even make it back to KL! Since I was already at the fuel pump, I filled SS up, and I still remember till today, it came up to RM130!

That full tank only lasted 1 week, with me and Aman going to work together.....

And then, I moved to Kerteh.

I only got SS in Kerteh after 2 weeks of being there. The first two weeks, we had accomodation and transportation provided for us. Thus I didn't need the car. Then Aman came one weekend to leave the car and he got on the bus late that night. See that was the first time I was left alone with SS. I didn't know how to properly drive her, since I felt she was so long and big. But because I was left alone with her, it didnt take me long. SS' condition was really bad, especially in the tires department. I had to spend alot of money getting her in a good and safe shape to drive long distance. Mind you, it took me awhile to build up the courage to actually drive long distance!

SS gave me alot of adventures and served me well. The only two times she broke down, was not when she was with me. The only time she received a speeding ticket, was not when I was driving - though I still paid for it :[. One accident- sorry I broke you. But somehow, SS' number proved to be lucky too..hahah

Today, is the day that we decided to sell her off. I'm sorry dear friend, we have to do it. I have to make room for a new car and a new life. It was never meant to be forever, me and SS. It was great having SS around. I'm going to miss you.. Let's hope just not too much.

I feel so sad~

The Year 2011 ..two months down the line...

Actually published on FB Sunday, 27 February 2011 at 15:07

It is the end of February, and guess what, all hopes and dreams have all turned to be something else that is soo unexpected. Not sure what or how I feel about the whole situation.

(1) Transfer: rejected, reappeal, rejected, reappeal again ---> I can only pray it will eventually happen and I won't miss this opportunity

(2) Giving birth: pregnancy complications-placenta previa type II, normal delivery is almost out of the window, but it comes with its own surprise..Was admitted to hospital, now I am grounded to be at home, and I have more than 2 months till I am due! I'm the type of person who loves to work, but now I can't. Staying at home. only 2nd day. Nothing much to complain about.

(3) Spending maternity leave with Hubby: well at least one thing has a green light :)

(4) Have both my parents over : .............. its my parents.. I can't say much

(5) New car: hopefully in a few weeks time - but rethinking of necessity...I'm not gonna be needing to drive for a while...

(6) Go back to Sabah: If I am on long leave, and maybe I'd have to start using my annual leave, going back to Sabah might not be possible :| I am so sad~~

(7) Buy tickets to go to UK 2012: news maybe dad might wanna come back this year..and seriously this is not the time to think about holidays...I have surviving giving birth with minimal complications to go through first.

So this year, I'll spend ALOT of time at home. Its kind of a dream come true, with its own ups and downs. At the same time, I have so many loose ends that need tying up. Need to
-cancel my Astro - save money there
-clean fridge, there's milk in my fridge!
-bring my clothes back to KL - I only have enough for the weekend!
-bring my carpet, pillows, fan etc...whatever that can fit a car
-what about my letters??!!
-should I move out of my rented house? It'll be empty for a few good months, and rent is RM450/month! but what if I don't get transferred?? so confusing...

So there's probably a trip back to Kertih necessary, but I can't go...Need hubby and bro to go. Sigh~

I hope I won't be too much of an inconvenience to the people around me :[

I have to do this for baby :), don't want baby to have to come out when he's not quite ready yet... [elders say its because I'm too active, too much travelling, still going to site etc etc...really?? Only God knows why].

I can only pray to God that all will be well, in this confusing times...