There's an episode in the all-time favourite sitcom 'Friends' that Ross and Rachel revealed their irrational childhood fears. Ross suggested that he would take Emma (their daughter together) to the nearby park to play on the swings. Rachel revealed her irrational fear of 'swings'. The story behind it was that her hair was stuck on the swings and her mother had to cut her hair out. "It was uneven for weeks!".
It had been raining the past few days. It was ok during the weekdays as I would be tired getting home from work and I wouldn't even have the energy to give it any thoughts. It started last night that the satellite TV (Astro) started to go blank due to the rain. It was raining and then came the thunderstorm. It occurred to me that I was alone, and I will be alone for a three day weekend here..eerie..well usually, I am not the type of person that can easily be scared of by ghastly ghoulies. But guess what... I have an irrational childhood fear of..... Heavy Rain!!
I told you, even the title states "irrational". WHy you ask? It's the repetitive loud noise that comes with it, the cold, the unexpected lightning & thunder, it just gives me the creeps. The sound of the raindrops on the roof, on the balcony, tapping on the window (it taps the window!) and most of the time in Malaysia, the rain really does pour you'd think it was hailing stones!
My imagination runs wild with all those horror stories that you've watched when you were a child. Tapping window; sticks from branches of the tree tapping the window and the tree somehow comes alive.... and there isn't even any tree outside my window..argghh. Raindrops on the roof; little devil's minions with green eyes throwing rocks on my roof! Lightning; well I don't think this is irrational, fear of getting struck by lightning, or even any of my electronic appliances. Thunder; generally, I think about how God is made at me. We have our parent's version of being angry, loud voice that scares us..for me, thunder is God being angry....and I get scared.
I remember being a young girl, lying awake staring outside the window. I saw the shapes and pattern of the lightning striking the ground. I'd lie there wide awake thinking, God is angry and he is going to punish us. We would switch off all appliances and go straight to bed, but there was no way that I could sleep till it was over. My heart would beat fast as I lie on my side with my eyes wide open. I couldn't close my eyes as my imagination runs when I can't see. It was better that I saw exactly what was in front of me, than having it drawn inside my head for me. And even today, the exact same thing still happens to me, except, I pretend that I'm not scared....
Well, I do have other childhood irrational fears, among which, is the fear of stepping over dark drains, getting close or even swim in dark waters (even pools)....I'll save those for other entries :o)
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Best Years of My Life
Two two new jobs, two new homes, new car (well not so new), a degree and a fiance'....I gained it all in the space of a few months. 2008 will be the year that is remembered throughout my life, what more can I ask for.
See, I started this entry last year, in the attempts to restart my writing hobby. I used to write in my diary when I was younger, and it all converted to the form of a blog as the internet technology advanced. It went very well, I had a few readers and those readers knew how my life was turning out and even when they see me, they asked if I was ok, despite the fact that I rarely left my room in college. Well, that was the contradicting factor that led to the disposal of my blog site. I wanted to be very private, keeping to myself, not talking to others. But I was talking to the world by writing in my blog and expressing all there is to express. The irony somehow led to my depression and at times I felt confused and enraged at all the sympathy I was getting. I didn't want sympathy for others. I was feeling the masochism in me of wanting others to hurt me, when all they offered was love and care.
The life changes that I have had to face were getting overwhelming for me that I constantly broke down and cried. Of course through the hard times there are a few faces that I remember..or more like voices. I was alone and all the people that I loved and cared to have around me were far away, but none the less, were there for me. Voices that said, why oh why would you do that to yourself, telling the whole world how stupid you are, sharing how weak your heart is. No one should know that, only those who care and those who love you will appreciate you, and stand by you through the thick and thin, no matter how bad the situation can get. Those are the only people that should be hearing all the anguish, depression and sadness that you are going through. He was right, he was right. I knew deep in my heart that these words were true. Why should I talk about my pain and suffering, I should be talking of my trophies and achievements!
See that was the intention of this entry originally. Somehow, through the triumphs of my life, I find it hard to sit and type. I was always too busy to cherish the moment. Until the time comes again, for me to reach the bottom of the wheel of life. At the bottom, that I start to feel resentment, for not cherishing those triumphants of my life. That I start to regret not holding on tight enough. Through those times, that feeling sorry for myself leads me to sit down and publish my fears and weakness...my vunerability....
So what lead me to do this entry? Its the start of gratefulness that I feel for how complete my life is. Its the realisation on how resentment shouldn't be the only channel for me to share my creativity. It's there, but it would be such a waste to not to share it with the world. I'm slowly getting there. Pretty soon, I'll be where I am meant to be, minus the depression and vunerability. As for the 'other' life problems? Well, it's not MY life. I'm used to it. NO SWEAT :)
See, I started this entry last year, in the attempts to restart my writing hobby. I used to write in my diary when I was younger, and it all converted to the form of a blog as the internet technology advanced. It went very well, I had a few readers and those readers knew how my life was turning out and even when they see me, they asked if I was ok, despite the fact that I rarely left my room in college. Well, that was the contradicting factor that led to the disposal of my blog site. I wanted to be very private, keeping to myself, not talking to others. But I was talking to the world by writing in my blog and expressing all there is to express. The irony somehow led to my depression and at times I felt confused and enraged at all the sympathy I was getting. I didn't want sympathy for others. I was feeling the masochism in me of wanting others to hurt me, when all they offered was love and care.
The life changes that I have had to face were getting overwhelming for me that I constantly broke down and cried. Of course through the hard times there are a few faces that I remember..or more like voices. I was alone and all the people that I loved and cared to have around me were far away, but none the less, were there for me. Voices that said, why oh why would you do that to yourself, telling the whole world how stupid you are, sharing how weak your heart is. No one should know that, only those who care and those who love you will appreciate you, and stand by you through the thick and thin, no matter how bad the situation can get. Those are the only people that should be hearing all the anguish, depression and sadness that you are going through. He was right, he was right. I knew deep in my heart that these words were true. Why should I talk about my pain and suffering, I should be talking of my trophies and achievements!
See that was the intention of this entry originally. Somehow, through the triumphs of my life, I find it hard to sit and type. I was always too busy to cherish the moment. Until the time comes again, for me to reach the bottom of the wheel of life. At the bottom, that I start to feel resentment, for not cherishing those triumphants of my life. That I start to regret not holding on tight enough. Through those times, that feeling sorry for myself leads me to sit down and publish my fears and weakness...my vunerability....
So what lead me to do this entry? Its the start of gratefulness that I feel for how complete my life is. Its the realisation on how resentment shouldn't be the only channel for me to share my creativity. It's there, but it would be such a waste to not to share it with the world. I'm slowly getting there. Pretty soon, I'll be where I am meant to be, minus the depression and vunerability. As for the 'other' life problems? Well, it's not MY life. I'm used to it. NO SWEAT :)
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Mental Block
why is it that i cannot write anymore?
why is it that i cannot read anymore?
why is it that i am spending too much time watching TV?surfing? or even reading pointless mails.. shopping!! i am not spending valuable time anymore but i am wasting time in the name of 'releasing stress' when i know for a fact that all of these items are adding on to my stress in the long run. TV = wasted time=unable to complete chores. net = wasted time + added anxiety finding things out knowing how obsessive i can become.shopping = depleting income = less revenue = double the stress.
my thoughts are no longer on free flow. is it the job? or responsibility or are these 'hobbies' consuming most of my time and energy that my brain capacity is depleting?
need to increase brain capacity as my job demands for my brain capacity to be larger.
why is it that i cannot read anymore?
why is it that i am spending too much time watching TV?surfing? or even reading pointless mails.. shopping!! i am not spending valuable time anymore but i am wasting time in the name of 'releasing stress' when i know for a fact that all of these items are adding on to my stress in the long run. TV = wasted time=unable to complete chores. net = wasted time + added anxiety finding things out knowing how obsessive i can become.shopping = depleting income = less revenue = double the stress.
my thoughts are no longer on free flow. is it the job? or responsibility or are these 'hobbies' consuming most of my time and energy that my brain capacity is depleting?
need to increase brain capacity as my job demands for my brain capacity to be larger.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Itchy finger
My fingers are itching to type...but my brain is not flowing words....what happened to me? I'm having a block. Please do come back words! Used to write beautifully...words used to flow like rapids going downstream. I could go on for hours non-stop and words just came and put themselves together beautifully.
Now, seriously, 3 sentences, then I'm out. -.-
Like now~
Argghhh
Now, seriously, 3 sentences, then I'm out. -.-
Like now~
Argghhh
Friday, March 13, 2009
I'm Back~
It has been AWHILE~
reading my previous blogs, gosh I was going through a crisis! I used to write wonderful blogs, until I became enraged somehow. But these times are the best times to actually express yourself. I used to have followers, now, I am not sharing my blog, just yet. Not until I can write properly again. I'm trying. It should be good to be able to vent out again. I don't mean to make it public, but it's great to be able to access it anywhere. As a friend once said, what is the point of airing your laundry in public, in the form of a blog! So, there are ways to do this blogging, without airing your dirty laundry. And I am going to start doing it. PLUS I can improve my written English. Just as well coz I became the President of Language Club in my company (I feel like a school kid).
Let's see how it goes. Just the beginning. Time to analyse and rejuvenate. (and practice my spelling).
reading my previous blogs, gosh I was going through a crisis! I used to write wonderful blogs, until I became enraged somehow. But these times are the best times to actually express yourself. I used to have followers, now, I am not sharing my blog, just yet. Not until I can write properly again. I'm trying. It should be good to be able to vent out again. I don't mean to make it public, but it's great to be able to access it anywhere. As a friend once said, what is the point of airing your laundry in public, in the form of a blog! So, there are ways to do this blogging, without airing your dirty laundry. And I am going to start doing it. PLUS I can improve my written English. Just as well coz I became the President of Language Club in my company (I feel like a school kid).
Let's see how it goes. Just the beginning. Time to analyse and rejuvenate. (and practice my spelling).
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Whatever.... [the sad ramblings of a young confused girl] part ii
9:20 PM 10/21/2007
Kick ass job? Kick ass robot? Kick ass pointer? Kick ass life? Well don’t get too ahead of yourself there girl get to know yourself first before you can do any of that. Now you know for sure that you’re not the partying type girl, you're a hygiene conscious girl but your lazy, you're close to god but people don’t know that. That is why you can’t do horrible stuff coz you don’t want to disappoint god. You went back to your family during Raya and you felt guilty for not trying your best to impress your father and mother. How disappointed they will be. You feel the need to make them proud. you have to much influence outside of you and you have just recently discovered all these opinions you have received has caused you to be confused with yourself so now you know how to balance it out. Just know what you believe in and stick to it! Later own umi will say that you don’t have your own principals. You do girl, even amri says so. You shouldn’t be like this; you're a tough girl who believes in herself so don’t be confused anymore. You stopped smoking years ago, and now you feel you need to stop coz you r noticing that you fingers are turning yellow. For now you have a goal, dun go back to sabah, regretting that you did not do your best the last month of your studies. You’ve been studying your whole life! This is your last chance. You’re not about to fall for a guy's stupidity! enough nonsense for now girl, you've calmed down so get on with your work.
THE ULTIMATE POWER IS CONTROL OVER ONE'S OWN MIND, BODY AND SOUL.
Once you achieve that, you are able to control anyone or ANYTHING you want. coz your response is usually what limits you, but if you are able to control your response, you are able to manipulate everythg around you. god gave you this power, its up to you to use it. I know girl, you are obsessed with the superhuman concept ever since you were little, now, and you get to practice it.
Whatever.... [the sad ramblings of a young confused girl]
1:56 AM 8/13/2007
Life is to exist and to survive. There is no such thing as a worthless human being nor is there such a thing as a worthwhile human being so stop trying to be neither.. I have become this person with no purpose no goal no motivation but to just survive whatever I have to go through in this life. I have no vocabulary, no art to interest, I've become empty, become undecided, unable to talk, unable to function, couldn’t care less, unproductive...whatever...huhuh...well what do I do from here on? It really doesn’t matter, as long as the money comes rolling in every month, I'm fine with it :D
What? Ambition? What? Family? What? Love? F*** that, to hell with that... don't really care... The only thing that matters now is my existence and my survival...in the end thats all that matters...how I survive this whole race, this whole battle this whole war...the last man standing is always the winner...so don't worry, I will be the last one standing, above all. I will be the survivor, I will be the one to live to tell the tales...tales of how I became emotionless, how I became cold...how the whole thing is just another tale to amuse others...stop trying to beat others, stop trying to prove something to others...just amuse yourself...amuse yourself.. F*** moral values, f*** opinions... f*** everythg...just do what you have to do when you have to do them.. F*** emotions... just get rid of them will you...look at this world as an object, as a subject as a variation, maths problem, stop trying to achieve something impossible.. Go for whatever that’s reachable in front of you, go anywhere beyond that, your just making a circus....hahaha...words, you don’t have it anymore... you've lost it all, you've lost touch of everything.. Know why? Coz u were too aggressive...too greedy that you wanted to be good at everything wanted to grow up faster than you should...well...now you actually did it.. For god sakes, your only 23 n already sick of life...lost vitality to life....it doesn’t matter Munira...there’s a reason why god put u on this earth...one of those reasons is to survive through it all.. Feel lucky enough to have been able to see the world this way...
Owh my dear God thank you for this...the gift of life you've given me, the gift of culture you've given me. The gift of art you’ve given me, to be born in this era, in this time....thank you...my life will be an amusement to the day I die...THAT's my goal...I love you god. For giving me this gift...
My sweet sweet life.....I'm fine...I'm seriously, fine...and I'm feeling...the adreneline...of going through this motion....
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