Untitled

I have not decided what to name this post yet. Somehow I feel like rambling about things in my head. I do not have an artistic way to convey it yet. Not yet. I will just pour it out as the FB status space is too small for this. I've only been transferred to KL over a month. I'm already doing a task that started off as an on-job training. I was just thinking about how being in operations, you are the client. Well, let's start off with working for PETRONAS. Working with PETRONAS you get to call the shots as the end-user. You will have vendors and contractors to serve you as the resources belong to you (the oil and gas). Going a bit deeper, to Carigali Level. When you work for Carigali, you are the ones who absolutely control the output of our resources as you are the one digging out the resources from earth. Working for Carigali central, you get to call the shots as you would be managing new resources and here, I am reaching a point, who the clients are.

I used to work for Regional Operations, as in Peninsular Malaysia Operations. There I served as a maintenance engineer, serving our 'operations' people, who are those managing the plant and platform. The operations people are my clients. Now, that I have been transferred to the centre, I find, now, I am serving the regional people, I have to do everything within my means to satisfy them. I have been attached to a project that is reaching its end. I can see the number of problems that has risen, and people talk about how the problems came about in the first place. My main task here is to close up on documentations and drawings. Which means, the job has to close first before my task can be closed. I was just thinking, how when working in regions, people blame central people for being incompetent and have set wrong priorities. But now that I am one of the central people, I am finding, regional people are setting impossibly high expectations and I felt like saying, would you have done a better job yourself?

I am talking in the perspective of a person who has turned sides. Central people have worked to their best to accomplish something large, and yet, the end user, the clients, keep complaining. All I hear throughout this trip, is complaints here and there. This is me, one of the central people. With the limited resources that I have I feel the regional people are setting targets that are too high for me. Can you imagine being a vendor or contractor of PETRONAS?

Just perspective. At the end of the day, we are all humans, no matter what positions we hold. The lesson I have learnt here, is that, don't condemn, or condone too easily. Accept that humans make mistakes, and everyone should work together to make things happen. Know your own role and responsibilities, and eliminate the attitude and thinking that, if you don't do it, somebody else will do it.

 

Fening mode @_@~~

You Lost Me

I am done, smoking gun
We've lost it all, the love is gone
She has won. Now it's no fun
We've lost it all, the love is gone

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me

And we tried, oh how we cried
We lost ourselves, the love has died
And oh, we tried, you can't deny
We're left as shells, we lost the fight

And we had magic
And this is tragic
You couldn't keep your hands to yourself

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me

Now I know you're sorry and we were sweet
But you chose lust when you deceived me
You'll regret it but it's too late
How can I ever trust you again?

I feel like our world's been infected
And somehow you left me neglected
We found our life's been changed
Babe, you lost me


Sometimes, I wonder why people post song lyrics in their blogs. Well, now I kinda understand.....Did not occur to me it could have meant something to them..

Updated: Baby Arrival Wishlist

Well now that the baby's here, thanks to some wonderful friends and family, I got some of the stuff on my wishlist! (as crossed out below)

1) Sterilizer and warmer combo set by Little Bean   Thanks my sis & mayfong, suhaimi & jeffry

2) Travel playpen mattress and pillows set (or latex mattress & pillow - it is a wishlist haha)  thanks to Juliana, my mum and my cousin

3) Cloth diapers (lots and lots of nice boyish designs) -  after seeing how much baby poops...I'm rethinking this..maybe later on when baby poops less frequently?

4) Stroller - Quinny Zapp Extra or Halford Zuzz 4 - well not these models but I bought a stroller!

5) Car seat - a bigger car seat that can be used for years - have a newborn one...thanks to my mother

6) Baby monitor thanks to Rosie

7) Diaper/changing bag that hubby can carry - still wouldn't mind this :)


8) Baby sling we got a baby carrier thing..thanks to PK


9) Any toys for newborn onwards - I got some but of course you can never get enough toys! thanks to Lotfi n Shukor


10) What to expect - the first year book ( I already bought a baby journal thing)


and of course, all the other gifts we got, were wonderful and added to my baby's collection. We purposely didnt buy a lot of clothes and other basic stuff as we knew they were coming...and we had some nice, interesting and wonderful clothes for the baby.


 :) thanks to all that visited me at the hospital and at home..Love you all!

Becoming a Mother

It's been a month of sleepless nights and healing. Or otherwise known as confinement. The ever growing concern over my child has caused me to loose sleep..voluntarily. He has been a very well behaved newborn the past weeks. Only making requesting for attention when he's hungry or wet.

*[please be warned, entry contains gory & icky details about giving birth]

The water leaking

It was another one of those insomniac experience for an almost due pregnant lady. As usual, I did not remember how or when I eventually fell asleep. I woke up in the morning with pain , that I so recognise over the years in my life. It was period pain. I knew a contraction feels like period pain. I got up and walked over to where my husband was sleeping. I told him, I felt pain. He didn't quite get up from that info. So I told him, I wanted to get up, shower and have breakfast, if I am going into labour today. I'm going to need the energy, and I couldn't bear the thought of not having time to shower or brush my teeth. So that I did. I ate my normal peanut butter and jelly sandwich, with a glass of water. Very light food. I double checked my already packed labour bags and zipped them up ready to be brought to the hospital. I woke my husband up and told him, the pain hasn't come back, but he should just get ready for work in case of false alarm. I waited and waited. No more pain. My husband was ready to go to work, but I told him, he had to wait another half hour in case I go into labour. So we sat in front of the sofa watching tv when I felt a small gush of fluid come out from the bottom, uncontrollably. Gosh, what was that? Had I peed myself? I went to the toilet. Nothing else came out. Then I changed, and sat back on the sofa. All of the sudden, another bigger gush of fluid came the same way in did before. I rushed to the toilet, thinking, this can't be good. I checked, and I had a bloody show on my panty liner. I knew it was time to go to the hospital but I hesitated. Somehow, I was not ready to give birth then. My mum was coming that night. I was looking forward to resting that day too. My husband called his mother just to double confirm my symptoms. Yup, I was leaking and in need to go to the hospital.

The Doctor's diagnosis

We went in to see the doctor first. After checking my opening, I had zero dilation but my water broke. So my doctor, Dr N gave me two options. Emergency caesarean section or induced labour. We went for emergency c-sect, as we could not predict what would happen due to my placenta previa if we were to induce labour. My water was running out fast. I was sent over to labour room and told to change. The nurse told me to take off everything underneath and change into the hospital gown. Owh, not the normal one, the surgery one, which was green. I told the nurse, urm, couldn't I keep my underwear on? I was leaking. She says, it was fine as she would put a cover on the bed. So I was told to climb on the 'labour' bed. It was quite high, given that I had a huge tummy to hold and I was leaking! I told the nurse, I couldn't get on the bed, and she said, to do it slowly. I was remembering in our prenatal classes, how they mentioned, the bottom of the bed came off when labour comes and the baby is about to come out. As I lay on the labour bed, I looked around to all the details of the labour room. The corner where the rubber gloves and supplies are, the place where the baby would be placed.. I was really trying to figure out where the bottom part of the bed would come off and where the leg hanger thing would be placed. I couldn't figure it out.

The Labour Room wait

My husband went downstairs to settle the paperwork for my checking into the hospital. After I changed, the nurse propped me up with the machine (gosh, at this point of time, I can't remember what any of these equipments were called-I memorized them before birth!). The machine that monitors my contractions and child's heartbeat. After half hour, the nurse came back and checked on the monitor. Apparently I had to be on it longer as the baby was so active that the heartbeat monitoring was not consistent. As the nurse was about to take off the monitor, she went to check on something. When she came back, she said, the doctor wanted the monitor to be on all the time, so she left it on. The monitor had some long paper on which the stats would be printed on. I asked the nurse, how's the data? She mentioned, to her it was fine, but sometimes some doctors are fussy about the data, that it had to be perfect. Well, what do I know. She asked me, whether I could feel some contractions. True, I could feel some period pain like cramps, but I didn't realise those were contractions! I was stuttering, and I asked the nurse, err I can feel cramps, are those contractions? Hahah..it was funny. My husband was back by then. I could see how panicky he looks, but he tries to stay calm. I was starting to feel my contraction pains getting worse and worse as the hours went by. By the time they wheeled me into the operation theatre observation area, the pain was more intense that I had to hold the bed to withstand the pain. But nothing above my monthly period pains! I don't know, maybe it should feel worse.

Before the surgery

Here's the thing. Remember how I had something to eat so that I would have some energy to 'push'? Well, apparently I was not going to be doing any pushing that day. It was funny how because I ate, I was not able to give birth that morning, at say immediately, as soon as I saw the doctor (around 10.30am). Instead, I had to be wheeled in at 3.30pm, as that was exactly 6 hours after I ate (I ate around 9.30am). If I wasn't in pain and wet, I would've laughed then. I did laugh a little in my head and thought, owh great, that peanut butter sandwich did me harm instead of good..My intentions were good though! Somehow, the doctors changed my time to an earlier time, at 2pm. When I was in the observation room, I saw the anasthesian. He was asking me which anaesthesia I would prefer for the surgery. He explained to me, there were two options, General Anaesthetic, or Spinal. Spinal is similar to epidural, whereas GA puts me to sleep. We had issues with both, thus I think the doc is telling me to make my own decision (but I was somewhat in pain?). The issue with spinal was the fact that I have a history of prolapsed disc. Of course the doctor asked some things that I really didn't know the answer of. It was some medical stuff about my back, and I just gave him a blank face. How I wish I brought my MRI scans then. And the thing with GA is, I ate in the morning and if I were to go in to the operation theatre at 2pm, the doc said, the time was too borderline, as it was not even 6 hours after my meal. So... in the end I just went ahead and 'OK'ed the spinal. OK. The doctor did tell me, with spinal, I would be awake. That thought scared me so I asked, err couldn't my husband go in? I mean, they would be cutting me up and feeling everything that's happening, and I'd be alone? Come on! But my O&G doc said no, since I had anterior placenta previa, there would be too much blood. Ok, maybe I shouldn't really think about it too much. And as I was finally wheeled into the OT leaving my husband behind, I did what I do everytime I come face to face with a nerve wrecking experience, such as talking or performing on stage. My head goes blank, and my eyes just observe. It's a miracle how my head can go blank when it mattered. My head NEVER goes blank, even when I go to sleep. I have had experience where I understood an engineering equation by falling asleep while studying! [back in uni days of course]

The Surgery

Mind and thoughts blank. Eyes observe. Which meant, no opinions, no thoughts. Well maybe a little. I thought, the nurse/intern doc (I don't know, he wore a blue outfit) was super cute [sorry hubby..just my thoughts]. And the thing is, he got to see more that what my husband would ever see (he saw my internals too). I was wheeled into the OT by two guys, one of them was the cute one. As I arrived in the room, there were more men. I thought, where are all the ladies? No one wants to work in an OT? Well, they stopped my bed next to the operation table, which was quite thin and it was black. They told me to move to the table by myself. I had trouble moving as I had the tube in my urinary (owh, I forgot to tell the story of inserting the urine tube..pain!!). The guys helped me and told me to lie down. See this is the part I have trouble remembering. Too many things were happening all at once, and then they injected me with a tranquilizer. The anaesthecian, Dr T came in abit later and started to brief me about everything that's happening, starting with the tranquilizer. As soon as that kicked in, it was just all hazy to me. I do remember, them telling me to sit up, which was quite hard, as the table was tilted abit (head lower than feet). I also told the men, I needed help as my head was heavy, so one of the guys held both of my shoulders to keep me up. I barely remember how Dr T told me that they were going to inject my spine. To be honest, either I don't remember, or I just didn't feel anything when they injected my spine. At that point of time, I saw LIMBO.. If you have seen the movie INCEPTION, that's what I felt. I was in limbo. I saw, my world was turning into black and white blocks which eventually transformed itself into some stairs. Some people were running up the stairs and I was shouting at these people, but somehow I could not reach them. Of course everything was slurred and I was only a small percentage aware of what was happening. And then I heard Dr T's voice. Only then I realise I was lying down again and saw the round lights, in the OT. I thought, OMG, I am being cut open. I heard Dr T's voice, continuously briefing me and bringing me back into consciousness. He said, if you feel anything just let me know. Right then, I thought I was going to puke. I wanted to tell Dr T but the message from my brain to my mouth went ever so slowly. Eventually I was able to slur the words, "I ...fffeel sssick". Then I heard Dr T said, they'll give me something for that. I wanted to listen in to what the doctors were saying, in case there were any complications. I heard Dr N's voice and some other woman's voice. I could be mistaken, but to this day, I did not know who that other woman Dr N was talking to. All I heard clearly during the operation (apart from Dr T's briefing) was artery this artery that. Just the word artery.

The Baby

Dr T said, "ok, now the baby's coming out, so they are going to push hard on your stomach, you will feel some pushes and tugs but you won't feel pain". Yup, there was a massive push and tug. Whoosh & thud! And then, there it was....Uweeekkk!!! My baby's cry! I heard it! My head was very heavy and I was very slow, but I heard my baby's cry and I looked around, where was the baby? Dr T said, your baby's out, they're just cleaning him. I remembered, the baby's table was to my right and so I turned. There he was, all wet, slimy and bloody. His head was turned towards me and he was no longer crying. The nurses were cleaning him. His eyes were open and his mouth was pouting for some reason. Of course he looked somewhat blue and he has a lot of hair! His hands were up to his chin. I was thinking, is my baby confirmed a boy? As soon as the nurses were done cleaning him a bit and lifted him up, he cried again, loudly! The nurse came.

"Puan Munira, congratulations, you have a baby boy!" She showed me his thing. Hahah, to think that was the first thing she showed me. "Ok, come kiss the baby" and so I kissed the baby, twice. He smelled sweet. And wet. The nurse also showed me the baby's tag, and that they're the same as mine, just to prove that it was indeed my baby. The nurse took my baby away and I suddenly thought..my husband! I tried to talk. I said, my husband, my husband, where is my husband? Dr T told me not to worry as they will bring my baby to see my husband.

After the surgery

After that, was them closing me up and cleaning me. I saw Dr N briefly, talking to me. She said, "OK Munira, everything went fine, they're just cleaning you up, but I'm sure you won't feel a thing". I was not able to move my bottom part at all, even though I was conscious. So they did everything for me. They moved me to the bed, and wheeled my bed to the observation area. I don't know how long I was there, but I just kept drifting to sleep. Dr T and Dr N saw me and talked to me. Dr N mentioned, I would not be able to see the baby until about 4 hours after. I just took the information in, but was not able to respond normally. I started to feel really cold and started shivering a little. Later when they wheeled me into my ward, I was shivering even more and my brother mentioned, I was scratching ALOT. I just found out, those were side effects of the spinal anaesthesia. Shivering and itchiness. Boy, it was really itchy! Nevertheless, I was glad it was over and both of me and my baby was safe and sound.

The pain

Well, the same day as the operation, of course I did not feel anything as I was still under anaesthesia. Dr N told me, I would start to feel throbbing pain once the anaesthesia wears off, which would be later that night. She told me what my painkiller options were but to withstand the pain as much as I could. Thank God, I did not need extra painkillers. And in terms of pain management, I was glad, my mother was there guide me. She told me everything there was to know about c-sect after pain, and what to expect.

I was expected to get down from my bed the next day. See, I remember my sister asked me, was it the worse pain you've ever felt in your life, worse than that incident when you back 'snapped'? and I answered, nope, that was not the worse pain, my back incident was more painfull. I guess this is what you call pain management. When I took my first step off the bed, it did feel like the bottom half of my body fell off or something and my tears were about to drop. But I pushed myself with each step to go to the toilet. Yes, it was pretty horrendous. But it was not the worse pain I ever felt. It kinda felt stinging as opposed to just pure pain. It didn't help that when I went to the toilet to pee, I had to pee in a bowl thing and I had lots of blood to manage. ALOT of blood. I am glad I read my pregnancy and labour book thoroughly as everything I saw was not a surprise. The pain was still there for a week, but with each day and more movement, the pain subsided. By day 7, I was able to walk normally. By day 14, I could've sworn I didn't feel the pain at all. It was just the odd occasion of stinging sensation, not at the outside wound, but on the inside. They did have to cut through alot to get the baby out, I guess. Now, at day 29, I've forgotten what the pain felt like, except f course, that first step off the bed, and I am just looking after my wound.

The fear?

So in the end, what did I learn? Was all my pre-labour fears irrational? To be honest, I was scared at ALL the things that I mentioned before as they happened. But my head just went blank, and it felt like I was floating above the scene and just observed what happened. For one, they injected one large needle on my left wrist while I was in labour room. OMG, I felt like I was about to pass out when I saw the needle. I just looked away, and hey, they didn't feel so bad. But I had to ask the nurse, can I move my wrist? [since you put a giant ass metal inside it] and she said, of course no problem. And then there was the urine tube. Arrgghhh! Never Again! The nurse gave me the option of inserting the tube there and then, or in the OT after they gave me anaesthesia. Of course I chose the latter. But then Dr N came and when the nurse told her about it, Dr N said, owh no. Just do it down here, It's a momentary pain. I thought ok then here goes! And NO, my head did not go blank. It went ballistic and it was so PAINFUL! NEVER AGAIN! I was almost in tears SOB SOB.

My body changing? I am still living it now. I look in the mirror, I don't remember what my tummy used to look like. But I do know, it looks horrible now L. I've seen the pictures other mothers posted on BabyCentre of their post birth tummy, non looked as bad as mine. Mine is the worse case scenario for stretchmarks! I didn't think I could develop stretchmarks so close to my due date. They only appeared in 8^th – 9^th month of pregnancy!

My life changing? Of course it has. For now it still feels great. I haven't started work yet so I don't know how much it will change. As of now..despite the pain I felt, the stretchmarks and sleepless nights... being a mother rocks! J

My Baby Arrival Wishlist

Would it be wrong to have a baby wishlist? I saw this post once from an acquaintance. She put a wedding wishlist, or rather the opposite of the wishlist. Things she does not need as a wedding gift. See in the US, weddings gifts are more organised where they get to register at a store and register what gifts they would like and guests can get gifts that they registered. I was saying to dear hubby, why couldn't we do the same? He says, coz it'll be too rude, considering our culture here in the east. It's the same as when my family moved to the UK, we had to get used to the culture of opening the present in front of the person who gave the present to see their expression. But here in Malaysia, we give the gift, and they open at their own time to save from 'embarrassment'. I guess that's what hubby meant when he said it'll be too rude.


Well moving along, I'll just take the risk of writing up a wishlist anyhow. My sister said this to me, what are the things you 'want' but don't need? Coz the things you need you'll eventually get, but the things you want but don't need, it'll be a great gift.

Here goes, some of the things we still don't have:

1) Sterilizer and warmer combo set by Little Bean

2) Travel playpen mattress and pillows set (or latex mattress & pillow - it is a wishlist haha)

3) Cloth diapers (lots and lots of nice boyish designs)

4) Stroller - Quinny Zapp Extra or Halford Zuzz 4

5) Car seat - a bigger car seat that can be used for years

6) Baby monitor

7) Diaper/changing bag that hubby can carry

8) Baby sling

9) Any toys for newborn onwards

10) What to expect - the first year book ( I already bought a baby journal thing)


Well, I can't think of anymore *wishlist* items. People have asked, what we don't already have so the above list stands for now, as we don't plan to buy it anytime soon (maybe after baby is one month old?).


Can't wait :)

Labour Fears

I google about alot of things. Not just facts and information. Sometimes when I am going through something I google on how to cope with certain things so I can find forums and articles on how to manage such experiences. Here's the thing. I am facing tremendous fear and phobias on going into labour and giving birth. I tried to google it but the articles I found didn't seem to help. Its telling me everything I already know by reading my pregnancy book over and over again. Plus I subscribe to an online pregnancy club thingy which gives me great articles on everything there is to know about pregnancy and having a baby. I can say I am pretty well informed. I am also surrounded by recent mothers as well as very experienced mothers. All will tell me, it's normal to fear it but the fear will go away once labour starts and you'll just want it over and done with. Here's the thing with me.

Number one. I have (had) a fear of doctors, clinics, hospitals, needles, tubes, blood, and anything that can pierce through my skin. Hence my choice of career which has nothing to do with biology. I had an episode of prolapsed disc but thank God no needles or piercing through my skin was necessary. Only the giant MRI machine which involved me going through a giant hole and it is very loud. THANK GOD they only had to scan my lower back, thus my head came out the other end, phew! Over the years I have avoided going to clinics and getting the needle, as I really, really hate doctors and needles. Then I became pregnant. Seeing the doctor every month and then it became more frequent towards the end. OK. That was not so bad. I had company every time, BUT! I had to pee in a cup, got needles, blood checked etc. Ultrasound was not so bad. I guess this soothed my fear of anything medicine. Now comes the time where I will be having a BABY out of my below OMG! Some people asked me why I did not opt for a c-sect considering I have placenta previa (partial). Depsite the doc recommending I have quite a high chance of success with normal birth, I am really afraid to go under the knife. I mean, c'mon, the lights, the aprons, gloves, knife to cut me open. The PREP! Needles again, tubes, EVERYWHERE. Its like being in one of the SAW movie (only comparing to the fear I have). OK, do you get it now, I am a coward when it comes to this. So now, with all the pains, I don't want to be injected on my spine to relieve my pain! But what if the pain is too much? And then the thought of episotomy (I can't spell it)?

Number two. My body is going to change. Of course it has changed, but I don't know whether its going to back to its normal size. I can;t imagine how it will be. My skin? My flabs. Hahah. I guess it's every girl's nightmare.

Number three. My life is about to change. So many things have happened to me in my lifetime. Not to over dramatise. My father will say, your life was not that bad. Well he was not separated, first from his father, then his mother later on in life, and being forced to accept strangers into their family and have to put up with the bickering of both parents. Plus, being the eldest meant I have had to set good example to my siblings, so they won't be bitter with everything. Enough of that bitterness in the past, I am now happy. Well, I don't know if I consider myself being unhappy in the past. I don't think I was unhappy, but I was just angry alot during my childhood and teenage years. On being happy, my life was pretty exciting and I had to make some interesting choices in life. Now this choice, was pretty common (having a baby). It happens worldwide and throughout the history of mankind. It's the most common thing, but It's stupid how this is the one that managed to scare me. What sort of parent will I be? I can't do the normal things I used to do now. What if don't get accepted for the job transfer? What if I do? What nursery/daycare will I choose? What if I become a bad mother? What if my baby falls sick? You know, Back when I was 15, my mum decided to send me back to Malaysia, while she stayed in the UK. She was going to put me up with my uncle and his family. She was not in good terms with my father and I hadn't seen him in years. I didn't remember what kind of person he was. And I was 15 – rebellious and angry. Of course my father fought to get me. After much disagreement and 'non'-discussions, my mother finally asked me, where do you want to be? And I answered, I want to be with my own father. And that was that. I was bold and brave and faced my decision. It made me into the person I am today and of course, now everyone is in great terms J. If I were to recall, when it was time to choose my unis, I chose the ones outside of Sabah (without my parent's knowledge) as I wanted to be away and independent. I got into a uni in Sarawak. I remember being alone, and I had a single room with no roommates. I survived, but then after a month, I took another leap and was accepted into UTP in Perak. And I knew absolutely NO ONE there. I survived. For my internship, I took one that required me to rent a house, get a bus every morning and go overseas, as opposed to getting one where I could live at home and have transport. I survived. AND met my husband J. Then, I took up a job in Terengganu. I felt brave then on my first night there. I didn't cry or anything. On each and every single one of these events, I did not shed any tears on the first day. And THIS. The most common thing in the whole wide world, giving birth, I am scared sh*t that I have nightmares. Somehow, I know I will have the strength but I am still scared.

Does this entry make me feel better? I guess a little. For now. I think it'll be so much better once my mother arrives tomorrow night.

My PUG!

OK this is gonna be a lame entry. I have received my car quite a while ago, but just wanted to share it with the world! Although, since I am on a long break from work, I don't drive it alot these days. The first day that I received it, it was thinking, I can't believe, I finally have a Peugeot in my driveway! It's in my wishlist. I've always wanted a Peugeot, just didn't know which one. Somehow, some people question my decision with this car, but heck I don't really care, I love it nevertheless J. Now, just waiting for my parents to come and of course the baby's going home trip. Well here's a preview.

Roller coaster adrenaline rush

I wish whatever goes through my head in the middle of the night (or throughout the night) could be recorded and saved in the form of a blog. These days, I have great ideas to blog but I never get around to actually sitting down and typing it. I have read in articles and books that the final weeks of the pregnancy will be the longest of the whole pregnancy. Somehow I only half believed what was written, as before I reached 36 weeks, my days were going alot faster in comparison with the when I first started bedrest. How wrong I was and how true the articles were. When my doctor's appointment for 36 weeks came, I was excited to hear from the doctor, my baby will have reached full term and will no longer grow. She mentioned the baby was estimated to weigh 3kgs. Sounds ok, abit on the big side, but as long as the baby does not grow any bigger, it should be able to go through (my) canal pretty well (I hope). Then the day after the doctor's appointment came. It felt like the clock ticks ever so slowly, in combination with the increasingly boring TV programs, ever so swollen feet, 20 trips to the bathroom per day (day AND night), insomnia during the night and unable to get up during the day, and then, the bottom of my tummy started to feel the pressure of the baby descending. When the baby descends, it means I will feel like I'm carrying a football down there. Not quite all the way yet, but because it has started (menstrual cramp like cramps around my back and tummy), it has become increasingly difficult for me to get comfortable. It is not comfortable to walk, sit, lie down, stand up, you name it. Maybe I should just jump into a pool and float. But then I'd be wet and be needing to pee. People say you'd be missing to see your feet, but in fact, I can see my feet fine...but I can't reach to touch them. And there is one area I definitely can't see beyond the bulging tummy, need I say what?

Needless to say, even the weekly doctor's appointments couldn't come fast enough. See I am overwhelmed with the feelings of anxiety waiting for my beloved baby's arrival, but the at the same time, I am also nervous (more like freaking out) at the thought of labour and recovering from it. Awhile ago, I thought, every mother goes through it, why couldn't I? As the day comes closer, either it seeming faster or slower, I can feel my heart beating sometimes, telling my how terrified I actually am at the thought of having a baby burst out of me and possibly being ripped and sewn back together, and the thought or post partum, of having to look after the baby and at the same time being in so much pain I couldn't even walk (and be bleeding at the same time). I have had funny thoughts in my mind in the middle of the night, in the event of a fright, a human reaction will be to fight or flight. I thought, oops, too late to go for the second option, flight, as the baby is inside me and baby needs to come out. I also had thoughts of, ok maybe giving birth is not for me, let me watch other people go through it, and maybe I'll never have to go through it? Oh dear, again, too late, baby is coming, whether you like it or not. Oh please don't judge me, I am a mere mortal, and I am freaking out! I'm sure when the time comes I will be fine (will I?). My mother says, its only at first you feel scared, but when the time actually comes, you'll only want it over and done with.

I remember waking up my husband one night just to tell him that I was freaking out. I described the feeling to him as, being strapped in a very scary and high roller-coaster, at that split moment just before the drop, and you changing your mind about going on the ride, but hey, you're already strapped in and it's just waiting to drop. I guess that's my lesson, the only thing I have to do is figure out how to vent out that fear so the feeling of fear be vent out without you passing out. Usually, when I feel that fear on a roller coaster (I am scared of height to top everything off), I will always feel I'd cry and pass out or something. As if my lungs would burst and my heart will come out of my mouth. But I always managed to vent it out and start to enjoy myself my just screaming on top of my lungs! Of course once the ride was over, I would think..never again..

How lame. I wish I didn't feel this way but I do.

Bedrest, body rest and mental rest....How am I coping?

Well, here goes. I have finally found the urge to write again. Which is pleasant. I get self-satisfaction from it. It seems most people I follow can't maintain their blogs either. I enjoy reading philosophical blogs..or blogs from people I deem interesting. These people are one way one you meet them in person, and another way when they write. It shows the best part about their mind are not fully exposed to the world. Until they start to tap the keyboard (it used to be, 'pick-up a pen'..duh~). Some people just blog to tell people what they did, where they went and what they like to wear. I can't get myself to become interested with such blogs. It's hard to find those who blog, to tell you what they did AND tell you how they feel about doing it, and even sometimes add a spice add their thought to that activity, like how to improve it, or how it would look like if a different type of person did it. I guess, the blogs I follow are written by people who were interesting at one point of time, until they became too involved with their careers/jobs. Such a shame.

Just as an update. The letter from the doctor says, Munira has been put to bedrest until delivery. The sound of that seems lovely, but the till delivery part?? That's a good two months! I think I am in my 3^rd week of bedrest. I had a plan to just enjoy my five days, have the occasional checks on my work email to support the team while I am away, and get involved in a weekly activity of going to antenatal classes. So far it seems to be working. I thought the first week was pleasant. Then the second week came I was getting sick of my living room and kitchen. I was sick of getting my hands wet cutting up ingredients to cook (yes I decided to cook everyday!) and at one point, I just gave up and told my husband..."I HATE cooking!! Please don't make me cook ANYMORE!!". That's funny because he never told me to cook but I actually volunteered. I could be good at it if I put my mind to it. Of course, with everyday hands-on, less disasterous results were achieved (reminiscing on the fried noodles that was waayyyy too black). And bless my wonderful husband, each and every meal I cooked was, in his words 'mmm sedapnya u masak!' (delicious). I could get an honest opinion verbally thus, I started to look out for body language and response. Some days, he would eat more, other days he would eat less. On the days he eats less, or finds it hard to finish it off, I would ask him, did you already eat outside, or what time did you eat earlier. If he didn't eat anytime before he went back, I would assume that meal was less than successful.

Well, now is the beginning of my 3^rd week. I'm starting to feel calmer, and somehow time is flying by faster than before. I guess I have come to terms with the whole bedrest thing. I am sad that I am not allowed to go places. I probably could with extra care and the distance radius from wherever I am to the hospital is about 15 mins away. Though, I still don't dare to go anywhere that is not with my husband. Purely because, I can't imagine if I start bleeding or go into early labour and my husband is not around, my companion would be panicking and I would get them into trouble of getting me to the hospital ASAP. I don't really want to impose that responsibility to others. When I am at home, apart from the normal routine of cleaning and cooking, I guess I am picking up some work from office that needs to be done. Nothing major, just very minor email sending or clarification work. I am still not looking forward to these small tasks (my work is very stressful), but I guess, they give me some level of relief, that I could still be of help, even though I have left the office without preparation and warning. We'll see how that goes.

Moving on to some good news...my baby PUG is here ;) (well, my real baby is still inside me, I am talking about my new car!). Owh how exciting J. I haven't officially received her yet, but I have signed all papers and everything and she will be ready to be picked up in a few days time. Of course, I am nervous financially, new car, new baby, new house..I am jumping to the deep end! But I guess the excitement of getting it, is wonderful. I was just telling my hubby, we are blessed that our medical expenses are fully covered by our companies. Otherwise, we probably would not be able to maintain the same standard of living as we are now.

So how am I coping? Pretty well I think. I am glad I am still well to be able to write this entry, and let us see when the arrival of my wonderful baby boy will be J.

The Year 2011 ..........transportation department

I'm saying goodbye to SS today..Oh no, I don't know why I feel so sad. I love that car, no matter how old, or how much noise it makes. It has served me a good I want to say 50k-km? My math is failing me. Well, when I received it, the ODO meter was around 150k+, now its 203+ or something. Ah, my journeys :) although mostly it's KL-Kerteh-KL.

I have this habit of growing on stuff. When I own something, hard for me to let go. I guess I have a little bit of a hoarder's characteristics. Not as bad as my mother, though. I do like my space. In this case, I am not hoarding, I am just emotionally attached.

I remember the first day I received SS. It was near Port Klang. I can't remember the exact date, but I do remember it was the night Pak Lah decided to increase the fuel price (at the time everyone was using Ron 97) from RM1.85 to RM2.70. And SS had just come out of the port, and of course the fuel tank was empty. I remember I went to Klang with Tze Yang and my hubby (or fiance at the time-or just boyfriend?). We met the guy at the road side, dropped him somewhere and went for dinner. The way we used to go to port Klang had two fuel stations on either side of the road, can you imagine the chaos and traffic jam that caused? It was people trying to fill their tank full! After dinner, I think Tze Yang went home and me and Aman to find the nearest fuel pump. Of course most of them had a mile long queue. I remember having to queue up for an hour or two and when I reached the pump, it was already like 11.30-11.45pm. I didn't intend to fill up any tanks then, but my car didn't have fuel to even make it back to KL! Since I was already at the fuel pump, I filled SS up, and I still remember till today, it came up to RM130!

That full tank only lasted 1 week, with me and Aman going to work together.....

And then, I moved to Kerteh.

I only got SS in Kerteh after 2 weeks of being there. The first two weeks, we had accomodation and transportation provided for us. Thus I didn't need the car. Then Aman came one weekend to leave the car and he got on the bus late that night. See that was the first time I was left alone with SS. I didn't know how to properly drive her, since I felt she was so long and big. But because I was left alone with her, it didnt take me long. SS' condition was really bad, especially in the tires department. I had to spend alot of money getting her in a good and safe shape to drive long distance. Mind you, it took me awhile to build up the courage to actually drive long distance!

SS gave me alot of adventures and served me well. The only two times she broke down, was not when she was with me. The only time she received a speeding ticket, was not when I was driving - though I still paid for it :[. One accident- sorry I broke you. But somehow, SS' number proved to be lucky too..hahah

Today, is the day that we decided to sell her off. I'm sorry dear friend, we have to do it. I have to make room for a new car and a new life. It was never meant to be forever, me and SS. It was great having SS around. I'm going to miss you.. Let's hope just not too much.

I feel so sad~

The Year 2011 ..two months down the line...

Actually published on FB Sunday, 27 February 2011 at 15:07

It is the end of February, and guess what, all hopes and dreams have all turned to be something else that is soo unexpected. Not sure what or how I feel about the whole situation.

(1) Transfer: rejected, reappeal, rejected, reappeal again ---> I can only pray it will eventually happen and I won't miss this opportunity

(2) Giving birth: pregnancy complications-placenta previa type II, normal delivery is almost out of the window, but it comes with its own surprise..Was admitted to hospital, now I am grounded to be at home, and I have more than 2 months till I am due! I'm the type of person who loves to work, but now I can't. Staying at home. only 2nd day. Nothing much to complain about.

(3) Spending maternity leave with Hubby: well at least one thing has a green light :)

(4) Have both my parents over : .............. its my parents.. I can't say much

(5) New car: hopefully in a few weeks time - but rethinking of necessity...I'm not gonna be needing to drive for a while...

(6) Go back to Sabah: If I am on long leave, and maybe I'd have to start using my annual leave, going back to Sabah might not be possible :| I am so sad~~

(7) Buy tickets to go to UK 2012: news maybe dad might wanna come back this year..and seriously this is not the time to think about holidays...I have surviving giving birth with minimal complications to go through first.

So this year, I'll spend ALOT of time at home. Its kind of a dream come true, with its own ups and downs. At the same time, I have so many loose ends that need tying up. Need to
-cancel my Astro - save money there
-clean fridge, there's milk in my fridge!
-bring my clothes back to KL - I only have enough for the weekend!
-bring my carpet, pillows, fan etc...whatever that can fit a car
-what about my letters??!!
-should I move out of my rented house? It'll be empty for a few good months, and rent is RM450/month! but what if I don't get transferred?? so confusing...

So there's probably a trip back to Kertih necessary, but I can't go...Need hubby and bro to go. Sigh~

I hope I won't be too much of an inconvenience to the people around me :[

I have to do this for baby :), don't want baby to have to come out when he's not quite ready yet... [elders say its because I'm too active, too much travelling, still going to site etc etc...really?? Only God knows why].

I can only pray to God that all will be well, in this confusing times...

The year 2011

Actually published on FB Friday, 14 January 2011 at 15:48

There are a few things that I am looking out for this year. See I am the type of person who always has to plan ahead before making a move. I would put in at least my whole year calendar in, and in further details, needs to be 1-2 months ahead of time. I plan my weekend trips and events and so on.

Well this year is different. When I sit down and try to fill in my calendar, I am unable to. I can't go beyond 2-3 weeks. I seriously do not know what is going to happen. These are the things ideally I wish to happen:

(1) Getting a job transfer to KL
(2) Give birth normally (or at least safely) in KL/Sabah
(3) spend my maternity leave with my baby and Aman
(4) Have both my parents over during birth of my baby
(5) Get a new car (sell off old car)
(6) Go back home to Sabah during Raya
(7) Buy tickets for holiday in UK in 2012 (when baby is over 1 yr old)

and these are the things that could still happen:

(1) I don't get transferred - stuck in Kerteh with baby and need plan to manage that
(2) I give birth at other places than preferred as I am still working in Kerteh
(3) Having to spend maternity leave away from Aman
(4) My parents couldn't come to witness the birth of their first grandchild
(5) Can't get my car out (so many factors)
(6) can't go back to Sabah for Raya (overspent my annual leave)
(7) All else fails, can't afford the holiday anymore -.-"

These are just two possibilities that I am writing out. I'm thinking of more possibilities (God knows how complicated I think and overthink things). But the best thing of all is, I am still remaining very calm....(despite the thoughts of labour pains flashing through my mind every now and then).

Due date, 3rd May 2011.

The ONE, or two...or three..?

There was so much talk on relationships and marriages today. And now I’m watching Sex and the City-more relationship stuff. It started when my work colleagues and I were sat at the round table during lunch, facing the golf course (yes, we had lunch at a golf course on a working day, aah the life). Somehow the topic ‘marriage’ surfaced and somehow it became the hot topic of the lunch hour. There was a mixture of people at the table, singles, half way singles, just married, married with kids, you name it. It was kind of nice that we could all sit together and talked about this openly. One of the hottest topic about marriage was ‘cheating’ or the thought of cheating. Funny how most women will think that this was unacceptable and men will say, this was normal. (bear in mind, this is culture in Malaysia, and Muslim men can marry up to four wives). Hey, along that thought, I wonder if this is still called cheating? Nah, not going to get into that.

So what’s my take on being married and men cheating? I grew up with this environment around. Apparently cheating was normal and it was happening all around. So many couples around me and my siblings growing up were cheating and gets divorced. I won’t say who as I don’t want the stories to be associated with anyone I know (apparently my cousin reads my blog too ;) ). There were stories too how people get married, then divorced and THEN they meet their soulmate. There was a question, when would men have the tendency to cheat? The answer was after you hit the 10 year mark, when all the kids have grown up, and the husband has already attained all the needed assets, and the relationship will probably have turned to routines. Then the men will have the tendency to so-called ‘test’ the market. And TEST it they will. They will feel the thrill of still being marketable, or even ‘hotter’ than when they were single! (of course this is only my imagination) Ok, so does this answer the question of cheating husbands? What about those, who was just married, and maybe just attained a kid and still have the means to cheat? What’s going on through his head? And gets found out by the wife, the wife forgives him, then once the wife thinks everything is back to normal, he cheats..yet again? What’s that about? Is he really happy with his marriage? Or is happiness not an issue? For men reading my blog, maybe you could give some insight?

These maybe some questions that I have from the top of my head, or even from the thoughts of some of my friends. I can honestly say most women worry about this, worry about the husband cheating or lying to her and she will figure out 101 ways to combat this, maybe preventing it from happening, or go mad once it happens. Nowadays, women are less accepting of the situation as compared to maybe 50 years ago, where women may very well just accept their faith as wives, listen to their husbands and bite their tongue while knowing their husbands are out there ‘testing the market’. Nowadays, women can stand on their own, are independent and feel that they do not ‘need’ men in their lives but could use the ‘company. Nowadays, marriages are about partnership, that’s probably why, women feel more betrayed when the husband cheats on them. It’s like this, you close-up and business deal with a partner, supposedly, but suddenly the partner still tests the market?? What is that about? See, I’m trying to give some insight for men reading this blog, why for women, cheating is so awful. Yes, we can minus the emotions, so I’m just trying to write from the logical point of view. This whole business can become so clouded when the arguing, screaming or even cold silences happen that each side will try to defend their side. No one can look at it clearly, so hung up on trying to defend their own reasoning as to why or how it has to happen.

Here’s the thing, for me as a wife myself, not just to my husband, but to all husbands out there, you closed the deal with me, it was a large investment on your part AND on mine. We’re not questioning the polygamy rule. But look at it this way. WE do not NEED a husband. We WANT a husband. We can live on our own. Buy our own car. Invest in our own property. Heck even some of us are CEOs. OK so there’s a question of kids. Fine, we can adopt, or even, marry without love. Done deal. All the needs are covered. But there’s something missing. Women are built for love and passion. So that’s where boyfriends and husbands come in. We grew up with the happily ever after theories all stuck in our heads and we all dream of being a princess..or even want to have the ‘ever after’ big wedding gown, complete with the wires that we can’t go through doors with. A grown man could fit under there. Its all in the dreams. But do we need it? NO? so in this case, why should we even have to put up with cheating husbands??

Yes, as women we have to be patient. I agree. I also agree, it happens. But WHY the cheating? Why not solve the issues first and only after it is decided that we can split-up only you can continue with whoever it is that maybe you’d like to close the deal with? In a partnership, everything is shared. Hence the term ‘partnership’. For me, yes I will try my best to keep the husband as happy as he can be, but please..it can’t be a one way thing. The husband too has to make the same amount of effort! Keeping a marriage is a challenge nowadays, what with the work load, the travelling, the postings, alongside the normal family and marital responsibilities.

OK enough about cheating. Let’s move on to nicer things that we talked about today. DATING.  Hey this is a topic where I had to scan through my memories to the days that I was dating. That’s the thing with married couples, they don’t know how to be with anyone else anymore. True, the dating days was fun, but theres a deeper meaning and feeling when you’re in a marriage. Back to dating. I have always wondered what it would be like to date when you’re in your late 20s and early 30s. while this has nothing to do with my marriage now, and mainly because of the amount of time I spend watching TV show about single people living in New York, it seems like a fun thing to do. Of course, these people may be craving for what I have now (marriage) but from me, although I love my husband dearly, I still wonder what it would be like to be working, independent and single at this age. At this age, everything is less quirky or jumpy, activities are more matured and serious, and the best thing is, we can afford to pay for these activities! So I have some single friends, who at some point may be feeling the pressure of people our age getting married and having babies. But somehow to me, they should be having fun. The world is their oyster!

Take this scenario. You come home from work, at the end of the week. Your clothes were the ones that you could grab in the morning after you iron your husband’s shirt as you were late for work. Being the wife, you make sure the house is in place, dinner is ready, maybe you have a screaming kid before you even have the chance to sit down and breathe. Yes you love your kids and husband and it gives you the warm feeling inside. And then you’re tired again. Take two; you come home at the end of the week, with your most wonderful, sexy, confident outfit, pointy shoes, gorgeous earrings, excellent hairstyle that managed to stay up all day. You go and have your shower as you needed to hit the town that night with a bunch of friends. OK, fine let’s make it abit more realistic here in Malaysia. Most of your friends have to stay at home as most of them are married. So, you just go out with some of your single friends. Or your activity group, because you joined a dance group that goes out every week. You meet the most interesting people that don’t go to the same office as you, went to different universities from you, and why are they single? Because they work, and work and work and think they do not have enough time to date. Why did you meet him there? He was out with a client, so he was chilling off at the bar trying to figure out how to close the deal that the client didn’t seem very convinced about. He could be ‘THE ONE’. Owh wait..no. I don’t want you to join me now. He has friends, who are surfers, sky divers, musicians! Ahh, in your normal circle, there was NO WAY you could meet these people. Thinking about the ONE still? Didn’t think so. You want to travel the world! You want to see more things. Come on, how many surfers are there in Malaysia? How many people own yatchs? Yes, a yacht that could learn to sail! And owh, the surfer knows a saxophonist? See, you’re so glad you didn’t think the surfer was THE ONE. Otherwise you’ll be lusting over the saxophone everytime you get a free pass at the club he performs at. Hey you still have ‘story-of-your-life’ logbooks to fill right? c‘mon, what are you gonna tell your grandchildren when you grow old and unable to perform any of these things coz you have gout or arthiritis.

Did I paint a good picture? Its pretty colourful and exciting? I hope so. I’m not saying I’m resenting these moments. Because I had my share, oh yes, I had it all. Musician, army, car racer, pot head, dancing in the rain, (hubby gonna question this arghh nvm) and other things abit private to mention. And most of the other stuff did not involve a man. Yes, at the end of the day, you will want to meet THE ONE. Just don’t be convinced the one is around the corner. The one will only come after these people that excite you. And for all you know, the one, will be the average Joe, or the boy next door. That’s always your best bet. Why? Because they will love you with all their hearts, without having to worry about their music shows, or competitions, and no screaming chicks at their disposal. Who needs unnecessary competition, right?? And not to forget, a good parent.

And single guys out there, I salute you if you would like to meet the ONE and be with the ONE all your life. I salute you. You are what women need, and the answer to a healthier society, with less divorce rate and less family problems for the kids .

Obsessive, Compulsive Disorder

So let’s write something publishable shall we. I’m gonna write about…my OCDness….

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, OCD, is an anxiety disorder and is characterized by recurrent, unwanted thoughts (obsessions) and/or repetitive behaviors (compulsions). Repetitive behaviors such as handwashing, counting, checking, or cleaning are often performed with the hope of preventing obsessive thoughts or making them go away. Performing these so-called "rituals," however, provides only temporary relief, and not performing them markedly increases anxiety. (from the National Institutes of Mental Health)

Ok let me check, recurrent, unwanted thoughts; every morning thinking, I’m going to burn down the house; checked, and/or repetitive behaviours(compulsion); checking the iron plug at least 3 times, checked too . Fine. I’m OCD, and its not the first time that I’ve heard of it.

Someone at work died a few nights ago. He was a guy who was almost retiring but he was good at his job (may God be with him). He was excellent that I even started to feel panicky when I first heard, as we did not have another one that could replace him and his expertise. We kind of became friends and his passion for his work became very apparent and I learnt so much from him. But he died, before we saw the end of our project that he helped to figure out. Well, when I heard the news, it took me hours to fall asleep, even though I was tired from the long journey. I kept seeing his face, his half smile. I did a lot of things to make me fall asleep. I played soothing music, I changed positions, I called my husband to talk me to sleep, then I would fall asleep. Only to wake up suddenly, to see it had only been 15 minutes. Then the ritual would start again, till finally, I found peace and fell asleep for sure. Poor husband, he only got to sleep at 5am. It was exhausting, and yet, that’s me. I do that. I have obsessive thoughts. I haven’t even started telling about the wedding process. But then again, weddings griefs are inevitable, right?

Let’s talk about small things.

Eating; I have to eat or chew, exactly the same amount of food for each side of my teeth. If it gets uneven, it have to move some food over to the other side. And when bitable food comes through the front teeth, the first and second bite has to be the exact same size. There’s no 3rd bite. Only 1st and 2nd. Then it goes to first again. (thank God I don’t think of anything for my drinks-and please don’t start, its tiring~)

While on the subject of food, here’s the thing. I never ever open a packet by the bottom. It has to be opened from the top. They made the packaging to have a top, so I think it should always be opened from the top. Even if its not directly from the top, it has to start from the top, NEVER from the bottom. And if it happens, something happens with my nerves and veins, you know, the annoyance….its unexplainable. And again, funnily enough, I couldn’t care less about my bottles or cartons for drinks. Funny that .

Top and bottom. Pillows have tops and bottoms. Blankets have tops and bottoms. While I have improved in this department, since I have a partner in bed now, I used to be so rigid on this. My old blanket used to have bears on it. And it has a front and back. So, when I sleep, the blanket has to be the right side up, and not upside down. ALWAYS. Came my husband sleeping with me, I used to get so annoyed that the blanket was upside down. So, I ended up not being able to sleep. In my head, its upside down, I need to turn it around. My husband was already half asleep. I was lying there so rigid, that it made my husband confused. He asked me what’s wrong? So I gave him a little laugh and said, don’t think weirdly of me, but the blanket is upside down. Oh well, thank god, he’s an excellent partner. He turned it up right away, so I was able to sleep soundly after that.

That’s just some of the things that happens in my daily life. I know for a fact, if I catch something in my thought, it stays there until I can finally have my own conclusion. If I worry about something, I will check it a few times, like the plug to my iron. The lock to my front door. Just high risk factors. I don’t check for the water tap. Or wash my hands a lot. I don’t arrange things with a ruler. Although I try to make things symmetrical. If it can’t be helped, it might as well be crumpled in a corner somewhere. See I’m not a neat freak, but I’m just OCD.

Wow, its tough to be me huh, quote from a friend; “how did you manage live to be 23?” and I just had to burst out laughing. For the record, I’m no longer 23..


End of Days

Two days ago I went to watch ‘2012’ the movie. For the first time ever, I went to watch a movie, by myself. It felt weird at first, as what you would see in one of those TV ads, the person sits by himself watching a movie, then starts laughing but looked to the left and right, and there was no one to laugh with. I actually did feel like that. As I saw my friends later on that night, apparently most of them have done the same thing! See, my training session finished earlier than I expected. I was supposed to meet my friends around 8 to 830pm that night. So I had 3 hours to spare. I hadn’t seen 2012, when in fact a lot of people I know have watched the movie. I wanted to know what it was all about. I saw reviews on facebook, it made us think to repent etc etc. Regardless of the religion of the person, a lot of my friends were saying that. And then one of my friends said, it reminds me of Noah’s Ark. Or was it my brother who said that? Nevertheless, as I watched the movie, I realized, they were building ships, not spaceships. It was the catch of the movie I guess. Then I heard a friend say, its supposed to be the end of days, then why are there survivors??

This question has given me an inspiration to write this blog somehow. I know lately my blog has been boring. I was trying too hard to be interesting but it just became hard and I just stopped writing. Heck, I even stopped reading! Even after I finally found my ‘party of one’ book. Back to the end of days. Upon finishing the movie, I thought to myself, in such situations, where would I want to be, and who would I want to be with? What would I want to see before my final breath? Of course, I wouldn’t be ‘the president’ or Italy’s prime minister, leading the ‘last’ prayer. But it is a good deed to be doing upon facing our deaths. A friend said, I would love to be the little family hugging each other, accepting their death. Yes, it is a good thought that you could face the end, in the arms of your loved ones. I tried putting myself in such situations. Being with my loved ones. There’s my fiance’, my brother. But I live in Terengganu. My fiance’ and brother are in KL. Then there’s my sister, mother and father. My father has his own little family. My sister is with my mother. With all these complications, I thought, well maybe I should just face it alone, with God, I hope.

Comes to my next little thought. Where, I couldn’t imagine. No one really knows how death is going to feel like. It could hurt, it could feel of nothing, no one alive knows that. And yet, everyone alive WILL face it. Of course it is scary. The unknown is scary. So I was thinking, death is going to come nevertheless. So the end of days, is just death in multiples? If we were thinking individually. Is it so bad? You may beg to differ. I am just sharing my thoughts. Would you, as an individual, choose to accept the consequences around, or would you, actually fight to live? In this case, religions and beliefs have their own teachings. I will not discuss on that. We saw in 2012, that little family chose to fight for their lives, and they survived! Whereas those who stayed and prayed, did not. I know this topic may be controversial. I have had this thought all my life. God determines our fate. At the same time, tells us to fight for our lives and make a difference. It’s just a movie. But I saw the value. It could be the end of days. But none of us really know when is the apocalypse is going to happen. As told in Noah’s ark story, God cleaned up earth. But these species on the ark survived. It was not the end of days yet. The 2012 movie depicted almost the same message.

Millions of years ago, dinosaurs became extinct because they could not survive the earth’s surface changing. The earth’s plates moved and continents were changed. This is what happened in the 2012 movie. It was showing, how humans were intelligent enough to survive such catastrophe! Is it possible? There was a riddle asked during an office event. Which species or animal that can fly, but they have NO WINGS? And guess what the answer is. HUMANS! Human beings are intelligent enough to fly even without evolving wings. They can swim, and submerge underwater without fins. They can dig holes so deep like a mole. They can find resources and turn it into unimaginable things. Yes, ants can carry items so much heavier than its own body weight. But humans can build skyscrapers! Humans can build machineries!

We have seen various movies, where humans escape the apocalypse by going into space and so on. But the 2012 movie, I don’t know. It seems feasible. Nah, only God the Almighty knows for sure. As for me….I only have my humble thoughts to share. God is Great.

Long Distance Relationships

I never used to think long distance relationships work. I would go from one relationship to another, trying my best to make it work, through the ups and downs, and then I move away...(it's usually me who moves). I think to myself, that's it, it's the end. Somehow, the guy usually says, who knows, it might work. Well, I would think to myself, maybe..but I seriously doubt it. The reason I have a boyfriend is to have a companion by my side, when I have my ups and downs. Not putting my sweat into making it work. Bearing in mind, I was very young when I started dating, I had my whole life and career ahead of me. How could I take relationships seriously?

[in the case of some people who might read this blog, who happens to be my ex-boyfriend, do forgive me, I do hope you understand, and I did truly love you then]

One of the major factors of me not believing in long distance relationships (or serious relationships in general) is my father. He used to say to me, "long distance never work, in the whole of my lifetime, I have never seen a long distance relationship work, except for one, your uncle and auntie..." . See, my uncle and auntie dated a long time and then they got married and had 3 children. Now their children are all grown up and they're having the time of their lives travelling nowadays. There was a phase in their lives when the auntie had to continue her studies overseas..but hey, they survived it! Not to mention the inter-racial marriage! This, I guess is a one-off thing.

Back to me constantly moving away from my then boyfriends. I would usually give some period of time for the relationship to work, with a very small percentage of hope and faith that it might work, even though my head says it is pointless. It would usually last a few months, and my record is over one year. And then, the time came for me to move on. You may be wondering what causes me to move on. If I had to go back and see what it was, I would probably say, at the time, I didn't want anyone to hold me back to all my life potentials. Not necessarily romantically, but more towards being successful in building my career and life in general. I used to say to one of my boyfriends (of course I broke his heart saying so), "I see this relationship as a benefit, not a necessity," and somehow, that statement was true for a very long time.

Now that I am engaged, to a man that I am having yet another long distance relationship with (the irony), I feel fine. Going back to the days of our courtship, I remember saying this to him, "I'm going back to my university after this, then comes graduation and first job. What happens next? I don't know. But how can you be so sure we can still be together after all those life changes?" He answered, " Who knows, it might work...(manalah tau...)". That remark made me thinking. Who knows? But regardlessly, being skeptical as I am, I still put the idea aside. There was too much ahead of me to be settling for this idea.

So what was it that made it work? Was it his determination or mine? Was it the fact that we went through so much that it made us grow fond of each other? Or was it the fact that, I opened my heart to the possibility of having him by myside for all eternity, and not worry about my so-called life potentials?

Whatever it was, somehow I believe it was fate (takdir & jodoh). It was meant to be, that whatever happened between us the past few years, it just made our bond stronger, regardless of being far away from each other. I always told my single friends, you'll know they're the one when everything falls into place too easily, and it feels like they're the one. Believe it or not, it exists, even the outside factor may not be as ideal as you would imagine.

So do long distance relationships work? They will, if both of you know, that you love each other that much. And both want it to work. Of course it will take alot of courage, determination, and most importantly, trust. Trust that you and your partner, would never in this world, do anything purposely to hurt each other, no matter what it looks like. So if you do not have any of the essence above, then, just stay away from long distance relationships, as you will break more hearts than you can handle, even your own.

Saya Anak Malaysia JUGA!!

Not an entry by me, but I'd like to keep this article as I love it and I'm sure alot of us can relate to this:

The Star Online

Monday August 31, 2009
Hello, stranger!
By PHILIP GOLINGAI

Peninsular Malaysians could do their part by learning more about their ‘cousins’ in Sabah.

OH, you’re not an Indian. I always thought you were an Indian,” an avid reader of The Star said when I was first introduced to him in a cafe in Bangsar a few years ago.

“Huh?” I said, almost choking on my cafe latte. “How did you come to that conclusion?”
Philip Golingai and Vera on their wedding day in Penampang in 2007. Inset: Their daughter Apsara. – Photo by ANNA RINA

“Golingai does not sound like a Malay or Chinese name therefore you must be an Indian,” explained the 30-something man from peninsular Malaysia.

In his challenged mind, there were only three races in Malaysia. And consequently he failed to consider the “dan lain lain” (others) in his racial profiling of my surname.

If he did, he might have thought outside the box (or in the Malaysian context - outside the coconut shell) and come to the realisation that a Golingai might be a Bajau, Bidayuh, Iban, Kadazandusun, Rungus or Sandakanite.

I made up the last race. There’s no Sandakanite race. Nevertheless, there are Malaysians who think Sandakanite is an indigenous ethnic group from Sabah.

And since we are on the topic of race, let me share a conversation I have from time to time with orang semenanjung (people from Peninsular Malaysia).

Uncle: “Where are you from?”

Me: “Sabah.”

Uncle: “You must be an Iban.”

Me: “No, I’m a Kadazandusun.”

Uncle: “Oh, Pairin punya orang (Datuk Joseph Pairin Kitingan’s people).”

Me: “Yes.”

(FYI: Malaysian Ibans are predominantly found in Sarawak, Sabah’s neighbour.) Yes, there are orang semenanjung who are katak dalam tempurung (a frog inside a coconut shell) when it comes to basic knowledge about their fellow compatriots living in the island of Borneo.

Recently, sabahforum.com, an online forum to discuss issues related to Sabah, enquired: “What are the funny questions asked about Sabah?” Its readers’ responses are typical questions a Sabahan encounters in Peninsular Malaysia.

“Do you visit Malaysia often?”, “Is the ringgit used in Sabah?”, “Did you come to Malaysia by train?” and - the all time classic - “Do you live in trees?”

But to be fair, not all orang semenanjung are ignoramus. There are some who have intimate knowledge of all things Sabah. For example, my Penangite colleague knows where to find the best char kway teow in Kota Kinabalu and why a non-Sabahan politician keeps going to Sabah.

One of the biggest misconceptions Malaysians have of Sabah is when the state joined Malaysia. I must confess that I too was ignorant of how Malaysia was formed. Either I slept through my secondary school history class or the history books overemphasised Merdeka (August 31, 1957, the day Malaya gained its independence).

My introduction to Malaysia 101 was during the height of Parti Bersatu Sabah’s “Sabah for Sabahans” campaign in the 1980s. Pairin’s PBS harped on the 20-point agreement (including safeguards on matters of immigration, religion, language and education) signed when North Borneo (as Sabah was known then), Sarawak, Singapore and Malaya formed Malaysia on Sept 16, 1963.

The sore point for many Sabahans is August 31, 1957 and not Sept 16, 1963 is emphasised during National Day celebrations. In that birthday snub, they feel that Sabah’s contribution to the formation of Malaysia has been neglected.

And to answer a question which has become a mini-debate in sabahforum.com, Malaysia is 46-years-old and not 52.

I’m four years younger than Malaysia. And I’ve lived about half of my life in the Klang Valley. I like to joke with Sabahans back home that I’m working and living in the capital of Malaysia to reap the benefits of being a Malaysian.

Currently, I’m working and living in Bangkok. And the favourite question Thais would ask me especially when they see Apsara, my 10-month-old baby who resembles a Manga doll, is: “Are you Japanese?” When I answer, “Malaysian”, the typical reply from Bangkokians is “Malay?”

If I have the patience, I will explain that Malaysia consists mainly of Malay, Chinese and Indians. And if I have the time, I will explain about Malaysia’s “dan lain lain”.

“The Kadazandusuns and Iban of Borneo are like the hilltribes,” I explained, referring to the indigenous communities such as Akha, Lahu or Karen living along Thailand’s northern borders.

And through my conversation with them I realised that Bangkokians too have their racial stereotypes. They look down on the hilltribe communities as they think they are not Thai but people from Thailand’s northern neighbours.

And some of them think that the hilltribe communities live in trees.

Sometimes we learn to appreciate the peace in Malaysia from the outside. And I’ve done that during my assignments to cover religious and ethnic conflict in Malaysia’s immediate neighbours - Protestants vs Muslims in Poso, Sulawesi in Indonesia, Catholics vs Muslims in Cotabato, Mindanao in Philippines and Muslims vs Buddhists in southern Thailand.

When I hear the gripping stories from the victims of religious and ethnic violence, it makes me think what would happen if Sabah was not part of Malaysia.

Of course, we can still work on creating better understanding and real knowledge among Malaysians on both sides of the big pond so that we can bridge our differences and become truly 1Malaysia. But still, I can honestly say with love and pride: Three cheers to Malaysia. And, as we say it in Sabah - Aramai ti! (let’s be merry!).

Philip Golingai is The Star’s Thailand correspondent and the editor of Asia News Network, an alliance of 21 Asian newspapers.

****************************************************************************

Well, now comes my part of the story. Some of the most stupid questions or remarks asked were; What currency is used in Sabah? Or When did you move to Malaysia? (Sabah is still Malaysia -.-")

Ever since I moved to Peninsular Malaysia, I have never stopped getting these remarks. They just ring at the back of my head, but over the years I have learnt to keep myself from giving a sarcastic remark (because I don't believe in embarrassing people).

In the first few days of my university during induction, people often stared at me and started speaking English to me and ask where do you come from, Vietnam? And when I reply, no, I'm from Sabah, they always say, oh, no wonder... I received this quite a few times and started to get curious myself. Why do people always say no wonder? I decided to ask a friend, and she said that, it's because I look different. I'm not chinese, nor am I Malay, hence what Philip was saying in the article, why didn't they think of the 'other Malaysians'? Why does it always have to be, you're either Malay, Chinese, Indian or you're international. What if you have a Portugese heritage? Or Iban, Kadazan, Dusun...or what Philip referred to as Sandakanite, one of them is Sungai, which most people think is probably just a joke. It's a real ethnic, and I'm IT! Seriously, my birth certificate says so.

Having a Borneo background, I have always had the opportunity to learn about new cultures, traditions and ethnicity. Not one wedding is the same to the next wedding I attend to in Sabah. I will always be amazed with new things I discover from one wedding to the next. It's a fusion of traditions united together and personally, I feel that people who refuse to see, learn and believe that the world is a wide place have a lot to loose. Especially those that are rigid to think, things should only be, or are only as they are.

I remember in my primary school days. My ethnic background is Sungai and since I lived in Kota Kinabalu, people were not very well aware of this ethnicity. The kids used to laugh at me everytime the teacher points it out. But when I go back to Sandakan, Sungai is a very common ethnicity. It shows how large Sabah is. Mind you, I still do get the jokes on that to this day, everytime I say my ethnicity is Sungai. They would usually say, Are you sure it's not laut? (Sungai=River, Laut=Sea).

When I went to college in Labuan, I learnt some major new things. Sarawak! Little did I know, growing up in Sabah, that Sarawak is as rich in culture and ethnics as it is in Sabah! There is bahasa melayu Sarawak, which I learnt to speak almost fluently over the years. And I'm pretty sure my Sarawakian counterparts also learnt about Sabahans! I remember some of us talking saying that either Sabah or Sarawak malay language sounds abit like Malayan (term used for Peninsular Malaysia). In fact, we were trying to speak a common language to be understood by each other, which is what we know from the TV, melayu semenanjung.

Speaking of calling Peninsular Malaysia, Malaya, this is the argument. On 31st of August 1957, MALAYA became independent, not MALAYSIA. Malaysia was formed in 1963, which in turn makes Sabahans feel that it's pointless to celebrate 31st August. To make it worse, 16th September is not even commemorated! We Sabahans have grown a slight dislike towards the West of Malaysia because of this imbalance, when in fact if we wanted to compare the cross-sectional area of the land and possibly the population, us East Malaysians consist of probably half of what Malaysia is. Nevertheless, I can see that it is slowly improving. The government TV channels have already started to have documentaries on East Malaysia, and we are also being recognised now in Parliament and the entertainment world. All there is left to do is for us, especially our friends in West Malaysia, to become less ignorant, and more aware on our existence and contribution for our country, as what we call as Malaysia.

Not MALAYA, not BORNEO, but MALAYSIA.......

The Path Not Taken

This title sounds familiar. I think it was one of the literature subjects we had to study in school for the English subject. It fails me when I try to recall what it was. Was it a short story? Was it a poem? The actual title was, The Road Not Taken. Nevertheless, the title explains the context of what is told within the literature content. Need I tell you what I am about to blabber?

See, there are a so many points of my life, if I had not made that choice, life would be very different today. Of course, I can't reveal all here, but what I can tell is those that had lead me to where I am now, on this bed, in this small town, doing what I do now.

Growing up, most people would experience life without much choice for themselves. Especially in this community, the parents are most likely to make those life choices for you. Even so, I think I contributed to some of those decisions made by my parents. Had I not decided to sneak out that one cold night, I would not have been caught, had I not been caught, I wouldn't have moved to the other side of the world. Had I not moved, I would not have gone through the school that lead me to go to college, and next, achieved that scholarship, that was responsible for the job I am currently doing. Some may beg to differ as to these series of events happening. That one night, may or may not have determined my current position now. It's scary to think about really.

If I were to point out another event in my life, where my decision at that point of time would have changed the course of my life, I would pick one of my favourites, which led to my current love life. It was an extremely hard process, one decision had to be made after another. Pick a point, decision to choose the company to do my internship. I had four offers at that time, even the mother company of my sponsor. How did I make that decision? I had two factors influencing me. The distance from my then boyfriend and the excitement that job offered. The interviewer told me I would be travelling and have my own assignments. Whereas other companies, didn't even bother to see or call me first. Of course the other choices had its own advantages. I would be living at home and wouldn't have had to go through the hardship of renting an apartment and chasing buses that are usually already full most of the time with only the internship allowances that I had.

Yes, I chose the hardship, knowing myself, being an insatiable being when it comes to life achievements and self satisfaction, knowing I did that by myself. My first main factor collapsed right before my eyes, my then boyfriend left me for someone else and if I were to think about it, my second factor were merely a distant experience, as I am currently working in a different industry. Had I chosen my mother company I would have had the chance to learn more on our facilities earlier. Despite these main factor failing me, I can see that, had I not made that decision, I would not be engaged to the person that is perfect for me now. This ring on my finger holds a value to that decision I made years ago.

Speaking of life choices, I can see how it trails to how it has shaped my life path now. Although, one choice that I made makes me wonder to this day. Had I chosen the path not taken, would I have more drive in my life now? Would it have destroyed everything else that was stable in my life, for the sake of self-satisfaction? Had I declined that offer, would I be happier doing what I have passion for, or would I have made the worse decision of my life?

I have lived my life, choosing the braver choice, jumping off the cliff, only to be greeted with the greatest thrill of my life. Have I grown wiser that I chose the safer choice in the end? I can't say that I regret that decision. But deep in me, I can feel a longing, to know what life would have been like, had I chosen that path in life. Would I be happier? Would I be more successful? Would I have had to pay a larger price in other aspects of my life?

Those who know me well, will know what offer I am referring to. To this day, I sometimes lay at night, thinking, what if, I had gone with my heart then. Would I have fulfilled my life desires, or at least being in the right path towards it? Because now, I feel safe.....but empty inside