"Speechless"

Your love is magical, that's how I feel
But I have not the words here to explain
Gone is the grace for expressions of passion
But there are worlds and worlds of ways to explain
To tell you how I feel

But I am speechless, speechless
That's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away and nothing is for real
When I'm with you I am lost for words, I don't know what to say
My head's spinning like a carousel, so silently I pray

Helpless and hopeless, that's how I feel inside
Nothing's real, but all is possible if God is on my side
When I'm with you I am in the light where I cannot be found
It's as though I am standing in the place called Hallowed Ground

Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away and nothing is for real
I'll go anywhere and do anything just to touch your face
There's no mountain high I cannot climb
I'm humbled in your grace

Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am lost for words and nothing is for real

Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am far away, and nothing is for real

Speechless, speechless, that's how you make me feel
Though I'm with you I am lost for words and nothing is for real

Speechless
Your love is magical, that's how I feel
But in your presence I am lost for words
Words like, "I love you."

Star-struck!

Star-struck

Adjective Fascinated or greatly impressed by famous people, especially those connected with cinema or theatre

I got the idea for the title from a friend of mine who wrote about another star. I wanted to write this blog to let go of the death of my star.

Back when I was living in the UK, I had this obsession with a star. I would listen to his songs day and night, write out all the lyrics of his songs in my little notebook, and buy all his magazines, so I can paste his posters on the wall. True enough, I remember one side of my wall was posted ceiling to floor (or where my bed starts) with his posters, from all his concerts, or just photo shoots. I did a drawing of his face and worked very hard at it. It really did look like him. My mother didn’t mind, because I am guessing that she too was a fanJ. It came to a point that my siblings too loved listening to his songs; I played it enough for them to love him. I remember feeling gutted because he went to Malaysia in 1997….while I was in the UK! Nevertheless, I reserved myself till maybe I will be able to afford to see him.

And then came a point of my life that everything changed. I was at another part of the world and life was hard to adjust to. Of course I had to grow out of the obsession. I have never been obsessed with any other star, as was I obsessed with him. Of course, there were other stars that I was just star-struck with. But usually, I couldn’t care less of their personal lives. They reserve that right for themselves. It applies to my star, but he was the only one that I cared to find out where he was born, grew up, who were his wives, and who were his children.

And then came the day that he died. I was at my mother’s house. I remember while I was half asleep, when my siblings were hustling about wanting to switch on the TV, is it true? Is it true? He died! I was thinking, it had to come, everyone dies! But then when my mother was telling me, “Nira, he has died, your dearest has died! [Kesayangan mu sudah mati]”, it struck me. Somehow I felt a block in my heart. What is this I am feeling? I needed to know what happened. I was waiting for the news all day long. I was quiet no matter what my mother was saying. “ Nda kau menangis, Munira? Kau kan nda berenti dulu dengar lagu nya”. My sister was saying, “ I think I started to like to listen to him because of Munira.” “Yeah, me too!” my brother added. Everyone was talking about him all day long. “Mana nda, kalau kamu dalam perut lagi Umi sudah hari-hari dengar lagu nya tu dulu!”. Well, that’s probably why. I was serenaded with his songs even before I understood what it was.

The day passed. As I was driving home with my siblings late that night, I confessed to my sister, “You know, in fact I am devastated by his death. But I can’t cry because of what Umi has been saying all day long, that I loved him. I didn’t want to seem lame by crying”. “Well, you won’t be lame if you cry now,” she replied. I am thinking, no, I can’t still. But I kept my emotions buried as the week passed. I wouldn’t stop listening to his songs. Then came one night that I burst out crying. I called my fiancé’ about it. Of course he didn’t know what to do with me. He found it weird but of course, being a dear he didn’t say that. It was me that said, you must find this weird…and he said yes! Hahah...but I understood. I found it weird too. As I mentioned before, usually, when I like a star, I couldn’t care less for the personal life. But with him, I don’t know…I am...what you may say…STAR STRUCK

Irrational Childhood Fears

There's an episode in the all-time favourite sitcom 'Friends' that Ross and Rachel revealed their irrational childhood fears. Ross suggested that he would take Emma (their daughter together) to the nearby park to play on the swings. Rachel revealed her irrational fear of 'swings'. The story behind it was that her hair was stuck on the swings and her mother had to cut her hair out. "It was uneven for weeks!".

It had been raining the past few days. It was ok during the weekdays as I would be tired getting home from work and I wouldn't even have the energy to give it any thoughts. It started last night that the satellite TV (Astro) started to go blank due to the rain. It was raining and then came the thunderstorm. It occurred to me that I was alone, and I will be alone for a three day weekend here..eerie..well usually, I am not the type of person that can easily be scared of by ghastly ghoulies. But guess what... I have an irrational childhood fear of..... Heavy Rain!!

I told you, even the title states "irrational". WHy you ask? It's the repetitive loud noise that comes with it, the cold, the unexpected lightning & thunder, it just gives me the creeps. The sound of the raindrops on the roof, on the balcony, tapping on the window (it taps the window!) and most of the time in Malaysia, the rain really does pour you'd think it was hailing stones!

My imagination runs wild with all those horror stories that you've watched when you were a child. Tapping window; sticks from branches of the tree tapping the window and the tree somehow comes alive.... and there isn't even any tree outside my window..argghh. Raindrops on the roof; little devil's minions with green eyes throwing rocks on my roof! Lightning; well I don't think this is irrational, fear of getting struck by lightning, or even any of my electronic appliances. Thunder; generally, I think about how God is made at me. We have our parent's version of being angry, loud voice that scares us..for me, thunder is God being angry....and I get scared.

I remember being a young girl, lying awake staring outside the window. I saw the shapes and pattern of the lightning striking the ground. I'd lie there wide awake thinking, God is angry and he is going to punish us. We would switch off all appliances and go straight to bed, but there was no way that I could sleep till it was over. My heart would beat fast as I lie on my side with my eyes wide open. I couldn't close my eyes as my imagination runs when I can't see. It was better that I saw exactly what was in front of me, than having it drawn inside my head for me. And even today, the exact same thing still happens to me, except, I pretend that I'm not scared....

Well, I do have other childhood irrational fears, among which, is the fear of stepping over dark drains, getting close or even swim in dark waters (even pools)....I'll save those for other entries :o)

Best Years of My Life

Two two new jobs, two new homes, new car (well not so new), a degree and a fiance'....I gained it all in the space of a few months. 2008 will be the year that is remembered throughout my life, what more can I ask for.

See, I started this entry last year, in the attempts to restart my writing hobby. I used to write in my diary when I was younger, and it all converted to the form of a blog as the internet technology advanced. It went very well, I had a few readers and those readers knew how my life was turning out and even when they see me, they asked if I was ok, despite the fact that I rarely left my room in college. Well, that was the contradicting factor that led to the disposal of my blog site. I wanted to be very private, keeping to myself, not talking to others. But I was talking to the world by writing in my blog and expressing all there is to express. The irony somehow led to my depression and at times I felt confused and enraged at all the sympathy I was getting. I didn't want sympathy for others. I was feeling the masochism in me of wanting others to hurt me, when all they offered was love and care.

The life changes that I have had to face were getting overwhelming for me that I constantly broke down and cried. Of course through the hard times there are a few faces that I remember..or more like voices. I was alone and all the people that I loved and cared to have around me were far away, but none the less, were there for me. Voices that said, why oh why would you do that to yourself, telling the whole world how stupid you are, sharing how weak your heart is. No one should know that, only those who care and those who love you will appreciate you, and stand by you through the thick and thin, no matter how bad the situation can get. Those are the only people that should be hearing all the anguish, depression and sadness that you are going through. He was right, he was right. I knew deep in my heart that these words were true. Why should I talk about my pain and suffering, I should be talking of my trophies and achievements!

See that was the intention of this entry originally. Somehow, through the triumphs of my life, I find it hard to sit and type. I was always too busy to cherish the moment. Until the time comes again, for me to reach the bottom of the wheel of life. At the bottom, that I start to feel resentment, for not cherishing those triumphants of my life. That I start to regret not holding on tight enough. Through those times, that feeling sorry for myself leads me to sit down and publish my fears and weakness...my vunerability....

So what lead me to do this entry? Its the start of gratefulness that I feel for how complete my life is. Its the realisation on how resentment shouldn't be the only channel for me to share my creativity. It's there, but it would be such a waste to not to share it with the world. I'm slowly getting there. Pretty soon, I'll be where I am meant to be, minus the depression and vunerability. As for the 'other' life problems? Well, it's not MY life. I'm used to it. NO SWEAT :)

Mental Block

why is it that i cannot write anymore?
why is it that i cannot read anymore?
why is it that i am spending too much time watching TV?surfing? or even reading pointless mails.. shopping!! i am not spending valuable time anymore but i am wasting time in the name of 'releasing stress' when i know for a fact that all of these items are adding on to my stress in the long run. TV = wasted time=unable to complete chores. net = wasted time + added anxiety finding things out knowing how obsessive i can become.shopping = depleting income = less revenue = double the stress.

my thoughts are no longer on free flow. is it the job? or responsibility or are these 'hobbies' consuming most of my time and energy that my brain capacity is depleting?

need to increase brain capacity as my job demands for my brain capacity to be larger.

Itchy finger

My fingers are itching to type...but my brain is not flowing words....what happened to me? I'm having a block. Please do come back words! Used to write beautifully...words used to flow like rapids going downstream. I could go on for hours non-stop and words just came and put themselves together beautifully.

Now, seriously, 3 sentences, then I'm out. -.-

Like now~

Argghhh

I'm Back~

It has been AWHILE~

reading my previous blogs, gosh I was going through a crisis! I used to write wonderful blogs, until I became enraged somehow. But these times are the best times to actually express yourself. I used to have followers, now, I am not sharing my blog, just yet. Not until I can write properly again. I'm trying. It should be good to be able to vent out again. I don't mean to make it public, but it's great to be able to access it anywhere. As a friend once said, what is the point of airing your laundry in public, in the form of a blog! So, there are ways to do this blogging, without airing your dirty laundry. And I am going to start doing it. PLUS I can improve my written English. Just as well coz I became the President of Language Club in my company (I feel like a school kid).

Let's see how it goes. Just the beginning. Time to analyse and rejuvenate. (and practice my spelling).